More than a few times in the last few weeks I have felt like I was going crazy, but didn't talk about it. I felt like I was a terrible mother just going through the motions of looking after Katie's needs but that I wasn't soaking up the moments. I was filling in the time but I wasn't present at all. I didn't feel in all honesty like I was doing that great of a job with her. Here she is, this BEAUTIFUL & AMAZING child , but the grey cloud dominated my thoughts. It was a dark place. Darker than anyone knew I was in, which I'm angry at myself for because I promised everyone I'd talk to them if this happened.
The thoughts that go through the mind of a woman suffering postpartum depression are surprising & scary, also, when they are your own thoughts they are embarrassing & shameful. You don't want to talk to anyone for fear of people thinking you are a horrible human being, a terrible, unfit mother who doesn't deserve such a precious gem of a child. I don't plan on talking about the thoughts that I have had, but they scared me & often I had to remind myself how strong I am & that I will get through the moment. Reminding myself of that giggling girl was often the only thing that got me through them. I am so grateful for her.
Yesterday I had the lowest day I have had yet. The little grey cloud was huge. I spent 3/4 of the day crying. I thought many times that Katie might be off better without me, without this crazy woman as her mother. I thought she'd be better off without me around to screw up her precious life. I thought Jeff would be better off without me around to screw up his life, like everyone & everything would be better without me. Then reality hit me, I looked at this little bundle of mine, this rosy cheeked, bright eyed treasure, this gift I never thought I'd have & realized that I was wrong. She needs me, she loves me, Jeff loves me & needs me. I also realized that I am a good Mom. I love Katie with all that I am & all that I have. She is my world & for the rest of my life she will know that.
I'm happy to say today the grey cloud has lifted...blue skies are all I see...I'm not expecting blue skies everyday, but I also don't ever expect total cloud cover either.
I'm back....and I have to say it feels good because I really missed me.
