34

Tomorrow, I turn 34. For me, this is every bit as important as 35. I'm in my mid-thirties tomorrow (an hour & a half from now). I'm not sure how I feel about that.

33 was quite the ride. I guess I'm ready to let it go. Bring on 34! A new year for me. This could be the age I figure my shit out. I'm getting my driver's license at 34. I'm determined to make it happen! I'm starting back to work at 34. That's oddly scary after being off for a year but it's going to be great! I'm going to continue to get healthier at 34. I'm going to get over my ridiculous fear of what other people think about me because of how I look. Yeah, at 34, I'm going to make that one a major goal.

It's weird that being home has made me so much more aware of how I look. When I was in Moncton, no one saw me. I was just a face in the crowd of unfamiliarity. It didn't matter what I looked like, no one noticed anyhow. I don't mean that in a self-pitying way, just that in a city where you know very few people, you become rather anonymous. I don't have that cloak of invisibility in Miramichi.

I remember this summer, I ran into an old school mate at the grocery store - it was very hot, I was on meds that made me sweat- I spent the entire time chatting with her trying to keep the sweat from sliding down my face. I was so embarrassed & felt terrible about myself. I kept thinking that she must be amazed by how fat I've gotten. It bugged me that I was so fat & just blah. I know I can be better. I am better now & continuing on that journey...

I saw Oprah say something to the extent of 'being upset over aging is dishonouring those who didn't get to'.  I've been thinking about that for 2 wks now...I am trying to apply it...

This is my year. I am healthy. I am loved. I am capable. I am grateful.

New Experiences

It's been over a week that I've been very seriously looking for a job & so far...nothing...I've had a lead or two, sent off my resume to a few places, but I haven't heard back from anyone yet. I feel sad today.  I just feel sad. Looking for work does that to me...it makes me feel less than...I don't know why I take it so personally, but I do.

I've been doing a fairly good job of staying positive but today I'm all off kilter. I feel antsy & out of sorts today, the way a teenager does before writing a final exam, thinking I'm doing my best but still so unsure. The outcome yet to be determined. I hate it. My mind is going a million miles a minute & it's paralyzing. What if...what if...what if...Anxiety Girl!!! Able to jump to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound!!!! DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!!!

I've been thinking that I need to learn how to meditate. My mind would probably benefit from it a lot. I'm very hyper, y'know in case you hadn't noticed., and I'd like to relax my mind. I'm easily stressed out, I'm high strung, & loud....I'd like to find some peace in my own head. I'm not exactly sure where to begin though.

I know I need exercise too, but I'm finding it absolutely impossible to convince myself to exercise. I'm in a bit of a catch 22 - I haven't been doing it because I rarely feel well, but I rarely feel well because I don't do it. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me started but I need to get there. I want to get there...I'm excited about getting healthy, I just wish all of my body would agree.

Something I'm only just realizing is that I'm not only needing to get back to work, I want to get back to work. I'm excited to make new friendships, to meet new people, to learn new things! I am SO excited to learn new things!! My mind is eager for more than ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle & 'Hola, soy Dora'! I'm abundantly grateful for the time I've had home & ideally I'd like to find a way for it to continue part-time but I'm just so eager to have some new experiences.

I'm opening myself up to you, Universe. I've made it clear what I want, I have faith that things will work out the way they should.

Old 'friend'

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
I've felt you lurking in the shadows
Waiting to catch me off guard

Today, my guard was down
I didn't know it though
Life can surprise you, old 'friend'

I feel you wrapping your arms around me
It makes me uneasy & unsettled
You are unwanted & unexpected

The tears flow like the Nile
Fast & free
Nature letting them do what they must

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
Please leave me be

I've worked too hard to set you free
I've worked too hard to let you win
But I don't know if I can do it again

I don't know how to to fight it off
This overwhelming feeling that I can't do it
I don't know how to do it again

The future so uncertain
The unknown, my biggest fear

Go away, old 'friend', go away....

Avoidance

As a fat person, I often don't really look at myself. I mean, really, straight into my own eyes, look at myself. The kind of looking at myself that would make me see my faults & have to acknowledge them. Yeah, that. I don't do it. Do you? I wonder if I'm alone in this or if it's just human nature. Stop looking at what you don't want to see. Avoidance! Let it reign supreme! It does in my world most of the time or it did...

Jeff & I have been on this lifestyle change journey for about 4.5 months, the people we've become already is surprising to me so I cannot imagine what's ahead for us. Since the end of September we've lost a combined total of more than 100lbs. That is insane! I wish I could say it's 50/50ish, but it's 60/40ish. I'm not ashamed of that though, how could I be! I've lost 42lbs so far, Jeff has lost 61lbs. I look healthier but holy cow, he looks like a different person.

We were looking at our wedding pictures yesterday with Katie since she loves to look at them. Neither of us could even remember looking remotely like that. When we started losing weight 4.5 months ago, we were already both a lot smaller than we were 6 years ago. Jeff had to be 100lbs heavier then than he his now, without a doubt, I know I was at least 80lbs heavier but we didn't see it. Avoidance.

It makes me sad when I think about how much of my life I've wasted being fat. No, morbidly obese. Let's call a spade a spade. I don't know why I didn't love myself enough to care. I can remember all too well, not being able to find shirts long enough to really cover my belly the way it should be covered. I remember having to squeeze into the largest size pants at Penningtons & they were tight. I can remember looking at myself in the mirror & wondering who that girl was looking back at me.  The moon face partially from a year of prednisone, partially from non-stop McDonald's & Burger King. Deep fried whatever at 2am after we got home from work. I didn't wear make-up anymore because I didn't see the point, I couldn't look nice no matter what. I was the queen of the ratty ponytail, oversized Pooh hoodie & jeans. I just didn't care about myself at all. I was avoiding the work I knew it would take.

I can't ever go back to being that person. It's not fair to do that to anyone in my life but most importantly it's horrible to do it to myself. I refuse to be a poor role model for Katie when it comes to nutrition. I may not end up being a health nut but I can guarantee you that my child will know how to prepare a healthy meal & that treats are just that.

I really feel so much better about myself these days. I look myself in the eyes from time to time when I'm feeling brave. I've never felt brave before...

This was what we looked like on October 6, 2006...never again