Angry

It's days like today that I truly wished that I believed in god...I wish I had someone to pray to to take away these feelings. I wish I found some solace in something..it's just non-stop noise.

I'm angry all the time. It's exhausting being angry & I don't know how to fix it. I'm tired of being a bitch to Katie & Jeff. I'm tired of hating myself because of the outbursts & internal rage. Why the fuck am I so angry?

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to thrash, throw & punch things. I want to cry & just let it all out but I don't think I'd ever be able to stop.

I have tried focusing on the things I have to be grateful for but that isn't working. I'm trying to be positive but most days there is just so much anger under the surface that the positivity is nothing but a farce & monumental waste of time.

I wonder sometimes if I just wish I believed in god so I would have someone else to be angry with; someone to blame for my being this way. I can't possibly be responsible for this, I can't possibly have brought this on with my energy & thoughts or have I? I'm not sure anymore.

Most days I just want to give up, runaway from life & stop caring. I'm not sure how to do this again; depression, I don't know how to deal with it all. I, honestly, have never felt so alone. My mom told me that she has felt this way & went to work because she had no choice, she did what she had to for us to live...I don't have that fight in me, I guess. Jeff listens to me but, really, what is he going to do? My best friend has a full plate of her own. Also, let's be honest, who wants to listen to a depressed chick all the time? I feel alone.

Every single day home with Katie, every single day, I wonder what the hell I'm doing. She deserves so much more than I can give her; more patience, more love, more attention, more fun, just more & I will never be that person. I'm broken & she deserves more. She deserves the world, instead she gets a crazy mother who has a very short fuse...lucky kid.

Everyone has battles, many greater than mine, I get that, I know that my life could be much worse but chemical imbalance doesn't listen to logic...bummer...

Dementors, bridges & dreaming out loud

Depression sneaks up when you are focusing on other things. It sucks the happy out of you like the Dementors in Harry Potter. This creepy dark faceless thing that just gets you.

I'm trying so hard to run from it but my legs are tired. I scared myself again this week with uncomfortable thoughts that were just that, thoughts. I know myself well enough to know I want to live a long life & I know when I'm really down that I'll get through it.

I've seen a psychiatrist & psychologist, I see them both again this week. I'm going to get mentally healthy so that my mind is ready for the healthy body I'm already working on.

I walked four miles on Thursday. I walked across the Morrissey bridge. The closed to vehicles & pedestrians Morrissey bridge. It was terrifying at best, my heart raced with every step & with every unintenional glance down at the rushing water. I walked so much farther that day that I knew I could. Every time I push myself & succeed l am amazed. I realize it is time for more.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what it is I want to do. What's my passion? Do I even have a passion anymore? I don't dream anymore. I don't have any dreams with the exception of a happy life for Katie. It has me thinking, what do I love?

Well, I love food. I love the idea of dairy-free food, gluten-free, vegan. I don't know exactly but it feels as if at some point in my life I will be making a living from food. I really have no idea if it's feasible or if I'm just dreaming out loud, but it feels great to dream.

The Dementors won't get to suck all the happy...I'm fighting. I'm dreaming. I'm getting healthy..slow & steady...

One year bucket list.

Lately, I'm realizing that my body is much more capable than I originally thought.  With that in mind I've made a bucket list of things that I want to do in the next year. September 16, 2014 I will have done the next ten things.

1. Run a 5k
2. Get my license
3. Successfully return to work
4. Lose 70lbs.
5. Eat in a restaurant with my family
6. Go swimming after 10 yrs
7. Ride a bike after 20 yrs
8. Workout in a real gym
9. Go out dancing
10. Be confident & happy

I can feel a shift bubbling under the surface for me.

I can see myself getting better. My anxiety won't run my life forever. I'm going to get the help I need & I will get better.

Also, I ran this week. For the first time since being forced in school, I ran voluntarily, of my own accord. It still blows my mind. Who the heck do I think I am making this body run? Hot damn it hurts but feels absolutely exhilarating! I will readily admit that when I was at my fattest, I would refer to runners as 'crazy bastard runners'. I thought it was insane to want to run...ugh! Why would you even want to? Now, I want to! I want the chance to prove to Katie that you can never give up on yourself. Even when things look & feel grim, you can do anything!

We watched 'The Little Engine that could' yesterday & it's such a simple message. If you think you can, you will - if you think you can't, you won't. Well, I really feel like I can do this. That surprises me.

One year. Let's go! I think I can...

Optimistic & Grateful

I am constantly amazed by the good at the core of people.

Last week I opened up about my major struggles with anxiety & instead of being shunned, I've been embraced. I appreciate the care & concern so much more than words can say.

To know that I'm not alone. I'm not the only person that I know who has felt completely crazy. Really, truly crazy not crazy of the sleep deprived & a bit delirious type - more crazy of the bat shit variety.  I know of other people like me now, that helps.

Today I took the first step in healing my life. This is an illness. I need to heal, I don't need to fix it. I'm not broken, I'm ill.

I'm going to get better. I feel cautiously optimistic & very grateful.

I quit...again

I quit.

I'm tired of quitting but I didn't see any other option.

Monday, I didn't fall down the stairs accidentally. I did fall down the stairs but it wasn't an accident. I felt nothing but sheer panic at the idea of going to work. It was a split second decision and I made the wrong one. In that moment, I figured I'd hurt myself enough to not have to work or to no longer be a bother to Jeff & my family. Win/win... Ugh...so irrational..

This morning I got up feeling mildly anxious, it quickly progressed though. I knew I couldn't fight it. I had to tell the truth about Monday. I started with Jeff.

I called my boss & was trying to figure out a way to tell him about my anxiety & have him understand that I'm not just being an asshole. I don't think he bought it so...

I can only get into a psychiatrist on the 18th of September.  That feels like it's forever away but it's a date at least. I'll talk to my NP on Wednesday about needing meds.

People try to be helpful - push through it, just do it, shake it off, think positive thoughts. I wish that was the solution. I try to think positive thoughts but the negative ones are so much louder.

I feel broken. I feel very alone. Jeff tries so hard but he doesn't understand. I feel so much guilt over the life he has because of me. He didn't ask to be married to someone with mental illness. It's very hard on him, too.  He's always in my corner though, even when he doesn't have the words to fix it for me.

So, back I go to the drawing board & long days home with the Dood. Another guilt trip, she loves daycare more than being home with me. Ugh....

Last-ditch effort

You come to a point in your life when you realize you are only in control of your actions & not the action or reaction of anyone else.

I've done all I can at this point to fix a situation that breaks my heart.

I'm a forgiver, that is my nature. Chances are you will have to do me wrong many times before I write you off completely, then maybe a time or two after that. I don't forget, however. I'm not sure the person on the other end of this situation realizes that. I've forgiven a lot of wrongs. I've given a lot of myself, my time, my love, my compassion, I've been broken-hearted for this person more times than I can count.

I'm always there.

Except this time. I wasn't able to be there. I wasn't able to do what was asked of me. I had said I would when put on the spot, then backed out when I realized I couldn't do it without causing myself more stress than I could handle.

What this person probably doesn't realize & possibly doesn't care about, but depression & anxiety have been major factors in my life the last two months. I couldn't do what was asked of me because of it.

Anxiety is my arch-nemesis. It is with me during every breathe, whisper & thought. It is slowly ramping back up, but I'm fighting it this time. I feel anxious & still do a lot of things because I have to but the extras don't happen much because I'm too anxious.

I feel as if my life will forever be altered because of it but I start counseling in two weeks. There is hope.

I will never forget this period of time. I've pushed people away by being unable to be social, unable to function like a 'normal' person. I love the idea of going out with my bff for a drink, a coffee or even just a drive but how many times have I cancelled because of anxiety? More than I can count - that's how many.

Now, it has caused me to make a decision for myself that hurt someone I love a lot.

Someone who is very different from me & who sees & feels things in a different way than I do. I'm trying to process that. I'm trying to allow myself to understand how anyone could be this upset for as long as it has been. Knowing the fragility of life & how easily people can be taken from you. I just can't understand that part....but that's maybe because I forgive too easily. I'm softer. My heart feels things differently. My heart is completely broken. I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused but I'm not sorry for doing what I needed to for me. I can't be sorry for that.

I'm not looking for sympathy but just a bit of understanding....

Random banter

Life. It's hard but it is also fun, challenging, rewarding & it's going to be okay.

I haven't written in a while so here is life now...

I've found a part time job. I'm excited but absolutely terrified at the same time. Anxiety plagues me. The what ifs. I don't do well with uncertainty.

Sometimes I still feel very trapped by my anxiety. I feel trapped in my own head. It is hard to know you're psyching yourself out & have no idea how to stop it. It makes me feel broken. How did I get to be so fucked up?

I am my own worst enemy. I pretend like I'm so confident now that I've lost weight. I'm not. I still just see that girl. Unhappy with herself. Critical. Self-doubting. Unworthy. It makes me angry with myself. I've worked for this. Why can't I really be proud of myself?

I have a hard time being proud of myself. It feels like I cheated to lose weight because there were many days when I was too sick to eat & the weight fell off. Jeff worked for it. I was sick. That's the guilt I feel. It sucks...

We moved a week ago. I am happy here. I like our slowly coming together home. We are so close to everything we need. Our car has only left the driveway 4 or 5 times in a week. We've taken to walking everywhere. WHAT????  Who are we? I can't even process the fact that my lazy ass does that...on purpose...weird.

Three years...

Three years have passed since my life finally found some real meaning. Three years since I stopped being my own main priority. Three years of laughter & tears. Three years of extremely messed up sleep. Three years of unconditional, overwhelming love.

June 17, 2010 at 7:35pm, she came into the world. She has been the center of ours every since. 

I can't begin to express the ways she has changed my life. She is my mini-me - in looks but also because she's a chatterbox, stubborn, caring, short-tempered & has wacky memory. It is shocking to me that another human being can be so similar to me but she is most definitely her own person, too.

In the last year she has changed astronomically. She is so bright & inquisitive. She loves to sing songs & tell stories. She's often Dr. Katie, sometimes she's a cashier & we have to shop at her store.

She has grown 5 inches & gained 4lbs. My baby is now a little girl.

She is fiercely full of determination - ' I do it all by myself'. She is funny as heck & makes me laugh on a daily basis. She is polite (super proud of this), kind & thoughtful.

I love being her Mama & cannot believe that I've been loving her for three years.
It's so hard to believe that the 8lb 14.9oz bundle they put in my very numb from epidural arms is now the same girl that I can barely carry on my hip. 

Where has the time gone? All I can say for certain that some of it has been used for sticky kisses, squeezy hugs,puzzles, tickles, singing, dancing, tubby times, bedtime routines, playing together & all of it has been used for being in love.

Happy Birthday, Katie Lou. You are our sunshine.

So far

So far, I've lost 73lbs on my good days but at least 70lbs on my bad days. That is more than 2 times what Katie weighs. Insane!

I spent the last 30 days prior to today doing a 30 day squat challenge. I started at 50 squats, yesterday on day 30, I did 250 of them. I truly thought when I started, that it would be the exact same as everything else I've ever started - it would end with me quitting. I forgot one very important thing though; I'm not the same person, I had always been.

I had a chest cold for the last 11 days of my challenge. I almost quit when I had to do 190 squats for the day & just physically couldn't do them because I couldn't breathe & had a fever of 100.2,  I was devastated. It was day 23 & I knew that I couldn't give up. So, I rested that day & the next day when I was scheduled to rest, I did 190 squats.  They were done slow & steady, only 10-20 at a time, but they got done.
Quitting wasn't an option, I had to prove to myself that I could do it. I've more than proven it to myself. Now, I'm trying to figure out what my next challenge will be.

It's amazing what happens when you trust yourself & your body. When you start to get out of your own head & you tune out the I can't. You realize eventually that you, in all your imperfection, can do it. Your body wants to move, stretch & be strengthened.  It hurts a lot, in ways I didn't know I could hurt, but I hurt every day anyhow so why not let it be a good hurt? Seriously, as a morbidly obese(no point in sugar coating it) woman, my body was my enemy.  My back ached, my knees, ankles & feet would hurt randomly. So, what's wrong with some muscles that ache when I stand up because I did a ridiculous amount of good for my body? I see things so differently now. I see my body as being capable & strong. I can, have & will continue to use it better.

This picture is my before October 6, 2012 & after May 14, 2013. 73lbs gone. I'm wearing the exact same clothes, the pants now fall off when tied...

My Mom

She was the first storyteller I ever knew. She was the first person to tell me I could be & do anything. She taught me how to sing songs & love books. Later, she scolded me for not applying myself, for making poor decisions when it came to some friends. She taught me the rush of a great bargain, she taught me that caring about others matters & that women can be strong.

She has had a rollercoaster of a year & a bit.

She is the unwavering proof that mothering doesn't stop when they leave the nest.

She makes me want to scream & pull my hair out. She, also, makes me want to hug & protect her.

She is my rock when everything else is crumbling. She may not say what I want to hear, but she's always honest. There's no sugar coating to make me feel better. There's truth, an ear to rant or cry to & she's always there.

She gives until she has nothing left to give. She worries. Oh my, does she worry, but she is usually bang on. Despite all my attempts to hippie dippy things up with my positive thoughts, she's usually right.

I love her for who she is, as she is. Qualities & flaws, both of which I have many.

She brought me into this world...and from what I was always told....she can take me out...

Mom, I love you.

You are stronger in my eyes than you'll ever see yourself. You are the center of our family & I'm so glad that you're my Mom.

Happy Mother's day. 

Bummer

Sometimes, I feel like the words are stuck inside of me trying to get out but I can't figure out how to lay them in the right order. I feel like a bricklayer, I know the usual pattern to get the job done, but sometimes I can't do it. Sometimes, I have too many thoughts to be able to lay them out coherently.  I'm trying rather unsuccessfully to do that now.

Panic has set in - 3 days until I start work. This means only 3 more days of mid-day snuggles & sticky kisses. Only 3 more days of hearing her giddy laughter over something silly Mickey did.

The whole thing is bittersweet.

I thrive on routine. I function best when I know what to expect, although I love to be challenged. Right now, I have no idea what to expect. It's freaking me out.

Why am I already expecting the worst? I expect it to be awful. I guess because I know the job & it is awful. I know some people who still work there that I think are mean just for the sake of being mean, and I don't really want to deal with them again.


Everything is changing & I'm just plain scared. I'm sad, too. I know that change can be a very good thing. Change can be a fantastic thing, I just don't know how this change possibly can be anything but awful with only one exception.


Katie started daycare this week. She's loves it & that makes me so happy! I'm not meant to be a SAHM, I realized that as the year & a bit that I've been home with her went on. She needs to have fun & be wild like the 2yr old she is. I'm kinda boring & cranky. She asks the kids at daycare to play with her now, instead of me & it's great! She has kids to play with now!!  That makes it worthwhile.


I hate that this job is so very much everything I hate about jobs. It is minimum wage, it's a call center, it's a job I've had before & hated, it's a cess pool of negativity & I'm afraid to get sucked under. Although, I'm doing a pretty good job being super negative on my own right now..


I'd just like to crawl in a hole & stay there until a good job appears, money is flowing a bit more & all this anxiousness & irritability inside me is gone. Seems highly unlikely to happen, though....bummer.

Kiss my...

I was told today essentially that my wallowing in self-pity & not bettering my chances at a good career through a  university education are the reason things aren't exactly as I want them on life.

It really pissed me off & hurt me.

I have always realized that my life is as it is because of the decisions I've made in life.

Sometimes, though you make decisions that suck for the short term but the long term benefits are what matter.

Miramichi is a prime example of that. Right now, it sucks hard core! Long term, life will be good. So, my complaining about not finding a job wouldn't be resolved by moving to another town to find work, as suggested.

I removed this person from my Facebook after an argument that also was very much differing points of views but I felt it got personal. I then received an inbox message where she ranted on about my life decisions holding me back. I had a lengthy reply typed up, I was about to hit send when I realized it was pointless. I deleted my reply & let this person know that what they think of me doesn't matter & they could kiss my ever shrinking ass. Send.

I have never had a time when I really didn't care what another person thought of me. I wouldn't want anyone to stay mad at me, so I generally apologize immediately. Today, it's different. I'm me. Take it or leave it. I whine, bitch & moan but I also thank the Universe daily for the gifts I have. I know who I am better than anyone else & I'm ok with her.

Sloth-like

Losing weight is something I never saw myself doing again. I was so big, I didn't think it was possible to get healthy again. I'm glad I was wrong.

I'm doing it now. Jeff & I are doing it together but at the same time we're doing it very independently. He has his battle, I have mine, but we're there for each other.

We keep each other in line but try not to be hawk eyeing each other. He works out a lot more & harder than I do. I am sloth-like in my laziness some days. No joke, if I didn't have to move, I often wouldn't. Even though I'm lazy I move because my body needs it & it does feel good to give it that fuel. It is a challenge for me but I'm working at it.

Tonight though, after Katie went to bed, we both worked out in the living room. We did it because our bodies deserve it. Do I hurt, friggin right I do! It feels great to know I earned it!

I'm promising myself that I'll workout in some way every day, even if it's only 20 minutes. It's 20 I didn't spend sloth-like....

Well shit!

I start work in about 3 weeks. I am freaking the Feck out!

Does it matter that it's a call center? I don't know. It's not the job I want, I mean, I REALLY don't want it but I will go & do my best.  I can't half-ass it. There's no point in that & I'm too old for shenanigans.

I need to find daycare still. I'm stalling. I stalled when I put her in daycare before & we ended up stuck. I just get so panicky at the idea of looking for full-time care for her. I don't like it at all. My girl & I, apart for 5 days a week. It goes against all my sensibilities. She is such an essential part of me. Tears are streaming down my face just from writing that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm eager for co-workers. Adult conversation! I need to brush up on un-poop related topics!

Depression dances around me...I am very aware of how I feel, though. I am not willing to sink again. I just wish I could get this over with so I know what I'm dealing with. What kind of people, schedule, energy....so many unknowns.

I'm nervous. Like a kid on their first day of school. What if the other kids don't like me? What if the the kids from my past make it uncomfortable to be there again.

So much self-doubt. It's foolish, I know I can do the job. I have before. I just doubt my ability to return to work.

When I really left the work force, I was a mess. How do I know that I won't fall apart again? I have to put so much trust in my own strength & ability. I'm scared of failing.

What if I can't do it? My family will worry about me....and I just realized that I'm living in the future....well shit....

Ok...deep breathes, some sleep *fingers crossed* & get on daycare tomorrow.

3574 days

She loved a boyish man
With Irish feist

Life changed
Blink
Blink

Neither of them
The same again

Fighting
Everything
Everyone
Every day

3574 days
Fighting
For each other

He changed
She changed too
Life ebbed & flowed

Most days it flows
A glorious gift
Smiles, giggles
Another snack, please

Strength
Love
Bountiful laughter
We've got this

Sunday ramblings

It amazes me how quickly I can go from feeling like the average 34 yr old to feeling like I'm 12 again.

Tomorrow, my father leaves for Moncton for the first of four weeks of daily radiation. I'm missing him already.  To top it off, my mother is going with him tomorrow, for the week. I miss her already, too.

The idea of both my parents being away makes me feel surprisingly insecure. I lived away from them for eight years. The exact distance that they'll be from me while they're away, yet it feels impossible to me that I'll survive a week without them.

Over the last 11 months, since moving home, they've been such a support system for me. It makes me uneasy to think that I'll be without them.  I'm so used to talking to at least one, if not both of them daily. It'll be weird to not be able to do that.

Then there's the whole issue that my Daddy is going to Moncton for radiation. I had been putting this out of my mind. I don't like thinking about the reality of it. 

It still makes me angry that he has to deal with that at all.  I worry about him, too.

This whole situation stinks.

Fuck you, cancer.

Crashing wave

I woke up this morning a bit grumpy, as I honestly do most mornings. I don't wake up on my accord ever anymore. Katie had a rough sleep night, she was making noise at 5, then was in our room at 6. My real sleep is over then but instead of getting out of bed, she watches a show on my tablet sitting on a pillow on the floor until it's time to get up.

I shook off my grumpies though & stepped on the scale to such a great surprise, I'm down 50lbs. I was down 52lbs a few weeks ago but I also hadn't eaten more than a few bites in 4 days, I lost 12lbs in those 4 days. I knew the weight was going to come back and 9lbs of it did. It's gone now though & I have been eating, so I'm really proud of myself.

I was riding this wave but it has crashed, I have crashed. I feel like my surf board has tossed me off, I'm in the water with all these creatures picking & nipping at me. I just can't shake them.

It has been over four weeks since I've had any income at all. Four long, arduous weeks of stress filled days & trying to send out my affirmations to the Universe. I don't know if I can be stressed & have positive thinking still work. I'm not sure how that all goes, but I do know that I've been trying. Goodness knows, I've been trying.

I think I'm all tried out...I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now & it's overwhelming.  I'm all out of give a fucks...I've been giving a fuck & nothing is getting better.

I feel like the Universe is testing me... I got a job...YAY! oh wait, it's minimum wage..meh, but ok! No start date...meh, but ok, I'm sure it'll be soon!!...oh wait, April 8th.....seriously, Universe?? SERIOUSLY!!!

I'm fed up & frustrated. The stress other people are telling me about in their lives is piling up on me too. I try to be a good mother, wife, daughter, sister & friend...I try...but I feel like I'm failing in most aspects right now. I want to lock myself in a room away from the reality of life. It's hard & I'm underwhelmed by the future...having faith in anything is hard...having faith in myself & my abilities is the hardest....I dont feel like I can handle things right now....I just can't take anymore bad news & it feels like there is some on the cusp of our lives now. Nothing that directly affects me physically, but family members. I worry for them & it's wearing me out.

I guess today has turned into an anxiety filled day of weakness & mine are blinding me from seeing anything else.

34

Tomorrow, I turn 34. For me, this is every bit as important as 35. I'm in my mid-thirties tomorrow (an hour & a half from now). I'm not sure how I feel about that.

33 was quite the ride. I guess I'm ready to let it go. Bring on 34! A new year for me. This could be the age I figure my shit out. I'm getting my driver's license at 34. I'm determined to make it happen! I'm starting back to work at 34. That's oddly scary after being off for a year but it's going to be great! I'm going to continue to get healthier at 34. I'm going to get over my ridiculous fear of what other people think about me because of how I look. Yeah, at 34, I'm going to make that one a major goal.

It's weird that being home has made me so much more aware of how I look. When I was in Moncton, no one saw me. I was just a face in the crowd of unfamiliarity. It didn't matter what I looked like, no one noticed anyhow. I don't mean that in a self-pitying way, just that in a city where you know very few people, you become rather anonymous. I don't have that cloak of invisibility in Miramichi.

I remember this summer, I ran into an old school mate at the grocery store - it was very hot, I was on meds that made me sweat- I spent the entire time chatting with her trying to keep the sweat from sliding down my face. I was so embarrassed & felt terrible about myself. I kept thinking that she must be amazed by how fat I've gotten. It bugged me that I was so fat & just blah. I know I can be better. I am better now & continuing on that journey...

I saw Oprah say something to the extent of 'being upset over aging is dishonouring those who didn't get to'.  I've been thinking about that for 2 wks now...I am trying to apply it...

This is my year. I am healthy. I am loved. I am capable. I am grateful.

New Experiences

It's been over a week that I've been very seriously looking for a job & so far...nothing...I've had a lead or two, sent off my resume to a few places, but I haven't heard back from anyone yet. I feel sad today.  I just feel sad. Looking for work does that to me...it makes me feel less than...I don't know why I take it so personally, but I do.

I've been doing a fairly good job of staying positive but today I'm all off kilter. I feel antsy & out of sorts today, the way a teenager does before writing a final exam, thinking I'm doing my best but still so unsure. The outcome yet to be determined. I hate it. My mind is going a million miles a minute & it's paralyzing. What if...what if...what if...Anxiety Girl!!! Able to jump to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound!!!! DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!!!

I've been thinking that I need to learn how to meditate. My mind would probably benefit from it a lot. I'm very hyper, y'know in case you hadn't noticed., and I'd like to relax my mind. I'm easily stressed out, I'm high strung, & loud....I'd like to find some peace in my own head. I'm not exactly sure where to begin though.

I know I need exercise too, but I'm finding it absolutely impossible to convince myself to exercise. I'm in a bit of a catch 22 - I haven't been doing it because I rarely feel well, but I rarely feel well because I don't do it. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me started but I need to get there. I want to get there...I'm excited about getting healthy, I just wish all of my body would agree.

Something I'm only just realizing is that I'm not only needing to get back to work, I want to get back to work. I'm excited to make new friendships, to meet new people, to learn new things! I am SO excited to learn new things!! My mind is eager for more than ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle & 'Hola, soy Dora'! I'm abundantly grateful for the time I've had home & ideally I'd like to find a way for it to continue part-time but I'm just so eager to have some new experiences.

I'm opening myself up to you, Universe. I've made it clear what I want, I have faith that things will work out the way they should.

Old 'friend'

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
I've felt you lurking in the shadows
Waiting to catch me off guard

Today, my guard was down
I didn't know it though
Life can surprise you, old 'friend'

I feel you wrapping your arms around me
It makes me uneasy & unsettled
You are unwanted & unexpected

The tears flow like the Nile
Fast & free
Nature letting them do what they must

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
Please leave me be

I've worked too hard to set you free
I've worked too hard to let you win
But I don't know if I can do it again

I don't know how to to fight it off
This overwhelming feeling that I can't do it
I don't know how to do it again

The future so uncertain
The unknown, my biggest fear

Go away, old 'friend', go away....

Avoidance

As a fat person, I often don't really look at myself. I mean, really, straight into my own eyes, look at myself. The kind of looking at myself that would make me see my faults & have to acknowledge them. Yeah, that. I don't do it. Do you? I wonder if I'm alone in this or if it's just human nature. Stop looking at what you don't want to see. Avoidance! Let it reign supreme! It does in my world most of the time or it did...

Jeff & I have been on this lifestyle change journey for about 4.5 months, the people we've become already is surprising to me so I cannot imagine what's ahead for us. Since the end of September we've lost a combined total of more than 100lbs. That is insane! I wish I could say it's 50/50ish, but it's 60/40ish. I'm not ashamed of that though, how could I be! I've lost 42lbs so far, Jeff has lost 61lbs. I look healthier but holy cow, he looks like a different person.

We were looking at our wedding pictures yesterday with Katie since she loves to look at them. Neither of us could even remember looking remotely like that. When we started losing weight 4.5 months ago, we were already both a lot smaller than we were 6 years ago. Jeff had to be 100lbs heavier then than he his now, without a doubt, I know I was at least 80lbs heavier but we didn't see it. Avoidance.

It makes me sad when I think about how much of my life I've wasted being fat. No, morbidly obese. Let's call a spade a spade. I don't know why I didn't love myself enough to care. I can remember all too well, not being able to find shirts long enough to really cover my belly the way it should be covered. I remember having to squeeze into the largest size pants at Penningtons & they were tight. I can remember looking at myself in the mirror & wondering who that girl was looking back at me.  The moon face partially from a year of prednisone, partially from non-stop McDonald's & Burger King. Deep fried whatever at 2am after we got home from work. I didn't wear make-up anymore because I didn't see the point, I couldn't look nice no matter what. I was the queen of the ratty ponytail, oversized Pooh hoodie & jeans. I just didn't care about myself at all. I was avoiding the work I knew it would take.

I can't ever go back to being that person. It's not fair to do that to anyone in my life but most importantly it's horrible to do it to myself. I refuse to be a poor role model for Katie when it comes to nutrition. I may not end up being a health nut but I can guarantee you that my child will know how to prepare a healthy meal & that treats are just that.

I really feel so much better about myself these days. I look myself in the eyes from time to time when I'm feeling brave. I've never felt brave before...

This was what we looked like on October 6, 2006...never again

The fear of food

I nag, bitch & whine a lot..so I accept a part of the responsibility for my not feeling well. Negative energy dwelling within me is partly to blame, but I don't know how to get out.

I am so very tired. It has been about 3 months since I've felt well. I am worn out.

When we finally figured out lactose intolerance was an issue, I was bummed out but was happy for a diagnosis. Now, I just have no idea what's wrong.

My NP has sent off a req for me to have blood work done for a milk allergy. She has also referred me to a general surgeon to have scopes done. Everything moves so slowly at our hospital & I just want to feel better now! 

I'm really irritable & pretty damn miserable to be around most of the time. I'm tired of being a bitch!

I, now, am deathly afraid of all things dairy.  To be honest, I'm afraid of most food. I'd sooner not eat than risk feeling the way I did last weekend & the one before that.

Food has become the enemy. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to eat. I really don't think there is any magic menu plan that is going to work all the time. I have IBS, it's very nature is to be predictably unpredictable, so I expect there to be bad days/weeks. I just want to be able to function.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. If I eat, I'm sick, if I don't eat, somehow, I'm sick. I am way too familiar with both washrooms in our house. I'm tired of living in the bathroom. I'm tired of saying to Katie umpteen times a day 'Mommy's going to the bathroom, come see me if you need anything'. I'm tired of Katie feeling like she needs to make me feel better. It breaks my heart.

I'm really glad though that through this all, I haven't slipped back into my depression, because all the usual triggers are there. Exhaustion, stress, not being able to control what's going on with my innards, but I'm pretty convinced that depression doesn't get to come back without a fight.

I want to be able to feel better through positivity. I want to be able to at least have a good mental attitude about all of this but I'm so deep in the negativity that I really don't feel like it's going to get better or easier. That bothers me...I try to not focus on the negative as being the absolute only option but here I am, doing just that...I wish I could figure out how to change that