2012

2012.

What a year. Wow.

I can say with all certainty that one year ago, I had absolutely no idea how different my life could be. I had no idea that I was about to have the absolute hardest,literally mind-fucking year. I also had no idea how strong I could be. I didn't realize how lucky I was. I didn't see the real value in living close to my family. So much has changed. I have changed.

I started 2012 very broken. Major depression & agoraphobia with anxiety were taking over. There was no happy. I hated my job. I worked 4-12, I saw Katie only in the morning before she went to daycare most days. I felt like I was smothering. Then we got the most amazing news.

He got the job. The job I prayed to the Universe for. The job I knew was his & I knew I needed to go home. I needed my family. They saved me. We all did it together.

It wasn't easy. I had a long haul until I felt human again. I have never felt so much love from my Mom as I have in the 8 months since being home. It wasn't that she wasn't always giving it, I was finally ready to accept it. I got it...I understand her in a way I never have. 
I've been fighting anxiety hard for just over a year, I'm a lot better now than this time last year. I'm so thankful for that. I'm not sure I'll ever be without it, but I'm getting better at coping with it.

Katie has been the most amazing reason to be happy. She has come alive since we moved home. Having her Grammy & Poppy nearby...there is nothing better. She is so full of love, so full of curiosity. She's my mile-a-minute talker, who is quite often very well understood. Loves to sing & dance. She's stubborn as a mule though, she gets that from her father.

Life has been very abstract & much like tiedye. All over the place, sort of ugly to look at but kind of appealing too.

2012. I'm ok with you. Thanks for the lessons.

He's a Daddy!!

There are times in your life when you experience pure joy for someone else. Today is one of those days for me. Today, my big brother, Scott became a Daddy. The happiness I feel for him is not able to be properly summed up in words. I feel deep down joy for him. I'm so grateful to the Universe, God, whomever brought this baby boy to him & his wife. Thank you.

For those of you unaware, the Coles notes version of my relationship with my brother is that he is 10.5yrs older than me, he was very much my protector growing up, we've very much become each other's protectors, he is my friend & I love him so damn much. So, today I am over-the-moon with happiness!

Truthfully, I didn't think I'd ever see this day. As he is well aware, my brother is not a spring chicken full of youth but he is full of love. I am eager to watch him experience all those silly happy firsts that come with having a baby. I can't wait for phone calls to tell me what the baby has learned now. I can't wait to watch Scott learn all the little quirks that only his son has. The challenges, the laughs, the happiness & the love that come from caring for a child are all so worth experiencing & I love that he will get to really experience them now, as a father not just as an older brother watching his naive younger sister grow up.

I cannot wait to lay my eyes on the little man. I cannot wait to hold him & tell him how much his Aunt Paula loves him. I will also tell him at some point that in about 15 yrs if he's been out having too much fun & afraid to call his Mom & Dad, to give his Uncle Jeff & I a call...lol..I know his Dad can be a hard ass...he is still my big brother after all...

Baby Boy, you have just joined the world but you are so very loved. Your Mommy & Daddy have been waiting for you, and so have the rest of us. Can't wait to meet you!

Five days ago it all changed

Five days ago, the Western world changed forever.  Five days ago, parents collectively hugged their children a little tighter. Five days ago, innocence was lost. Five days ago, America fell apart..

The loss of the lives of those 20 beautiful children crushed the hearts of parents near & far.  I can't stop thinking about those babies. The oldest of them was 7, how is that possible? How did twenty children get massacred? How did this happen in a 'civilized' society? I don't understand it all.

In the days following, people have been giving their vastly differing points of view. Some of these people have been Pastors who use the pulpit to spread hate, some are psychotic jackasses like the Westboro Baptist Church, most, however, are Moms & Dads like you & I. We've heard it's lack of gun control, lack of help for mental health, lack of this or that.  The fact is, it doesn't matter what it is, what matters is that they take action on all the small factors that add up to the 14th of December happening.

I've been enraged many times in the last five days over the suggestion that it's about putting 'God' back in school. This, to me, is complete foolishness. It's insulting. It's a lack of caring for other people. It is segregation of sorts. Sure, Christians believe in Jesus & God, and that is great for them but what about the mass amount of children in schools who don't believe in Jesus OR God?? The Hindu children, the Muslim children, the Jewish children, the Buddhist children, even *gasp* the Atheist/Agnostic children!

God has no place in schools, none, whatsoever. He should be in the hearts of the children who believe in Him.  If they want to pray, I believe it is their right to do so, to try & force their beliefs on another child, though, is not right. North America is made of so many cultures & religions that no one religion should be forced upon anyone.  It's like saying, sorry, we are now forcing you to eat pork in school. Some religions don't believe in eating pork, but hey, who cares what they believe, we want our bacon!!!

Anyone who believes that God being in schools could have stopped this horrific event, needs to give their head a shake, really hard...then possibly check yourself into the nearest psych ward. God had no way to stop this.  Humans did this. We did this ourselves, to ourselves.  Western society is to blame for this.  The acceptance of violence, the allowing it to continue, that is what caused this.

The guns...oh..America, what is with your love affair with guns. Why does anyone need to have the 'right' to own a semi-automatic killing machine?  If you want your shotguns, fill your boots! Chances are no one is getting very far in a mass shooting with a shotgun...chances are someone attempting to shoot up a school with a shotgun is going to get jumped...chances are America is not going to let go of the death grip on guns and that terrifies me.

I've thought of those 20 babies every single day, I can't stop thinking of them.  They were massacred with a Bushmaster XM-15 .223-caliber semi-automatic assault-style rifle. What the hell!?! Isn't America supposed to be a civilized society? Why does that style of gun need to be owned for protection? Who is coming for anyone that would require a weapon of that stature to protect themselves or their families?! Last time I checked there wasn't any army of hate so fierce that any person would require a semi-automatic assault-style rifle for protection at home in the Western world, anyhow.

I am really angry at the people who believe in God & think he should be in schools because it's selfish. It is just the most selfish thing I have ever heard! Why is your God better than the God anyone else believes in? What makes your God the 'right' one?? Also, does your God not teach you that he is always with you? I believe he does, because I was brought up to believe in him. You don't need him in schools.

I know that religion is a very controversial subject, so I want to VERY clear. If you believe in Jesus, God, Allah, Buddha, the Universe, or if you don't believe in anything at all, I very, very much believe it is your right to do so, but please don't preach that your beliefs are better than that of anyone else. Please don't try & convince me that if the higher power you believe in was in schools, these horrific acts wouldn't happen.  I think we can pretty much guarantee that on December 14th, Adam Lanza was not thinking about what God would think, I don't think if he believed in God that it would have mattered, because what he did that day, he did with malice. I don't think being taught about God in school would have made him stop & say 'hmmm, maybe I shouldn't massacre 20 innocent children & 6 adults...yeah, that would make God mad'.  You don't need God to know right from wrong.

Morals & ethics are what children need to be taught. They need to be taught the regular subjects, but they need to be taught compassion, the value of another human being, that the real world isn't what you see on tv.  They need real life lessons, let their parents & their religious leaders teach them about God. School isn't supposed to make children feel secluded, putting God in school would do just that.

As for Sandy Hook Elementary, please take the time to remember the name of just one child.  They deserve that. We all know Adam Lanza's name, it will be imprinted in our minds, maybe associating him with the death of a person with a name will have more effect to get things done.  I am remembering Catherine V. Hubbard, 6. I have had her name in my heart since I first saw a list of names, then when I saw a group of pictures I said, I bet she's that beautiful red head. I was just going to let that be her in my heart, until now, I googled her name (so I was sure to be giving her correct age) & I am rather unnerved that she in fact is the beautiful red head. I am shaken to the core. Beautiful, Catherine, I hope justice is served in your name & the name of every other victim of this horrific event.

I don't feel like there is anything I can do to help, since I'm a) Canadian b)just a Stay-at-home-Mom & c)know nothing about what I could do to begin to help...so instead I will sit here ranting on the internet to whoever cares to read it. I hope that justice is carried out in whatever way possible. I hope these victims will be the last we hear of who have their lives taken in such a manner.  I hope....

Stay-at-Home-Mom, I guess?

I love being a mom. This is an indisputable fact, anyone who knows me or simply sees me with Katie would know this, however being a stay-at-home Mom(SAHM) has been a challenge. I have without a doubt very often taken for granted the ability to stay home with our sweet girl.

I have had many days in the last month & a bit where I crave being among co-workers, laughing & talking about something other than Mickey Mouse, peanut butter sandwiches & poop. I long to be in the company of adults, having adult conversation but being at home, with 3 feet of attitude & a side of goofiness, isn't so darn bad.

When I was nearing the end of my maternity leave, I spent nights crying about the return to work. How could I possibly let anyone else look after my sweet child. How could I give up those hugs & kisses. I was almost inconsolable over the idea of going back to my job I loathed, to work 4 weeks & really only bring home pay for 2 because of the cost of daycare. I hated it all. I was so depressed.

Fast forward just under 2 years, I'm no longer depressed. I no longer have a job I loathe, I'm doing what I longed to do. I guess it's just not exactly what I expected. I'm not exactly what I expected. I had grandiose visions of being some Pinterest crazy mom, who actually does that stuff. I thought I would bake with Katie, do fun crafts. I don't really do any of those things.  We read, sing, play & learn together. The TV is always on, it's not always watched but it is always on.  I know it takes away from my candidacy for Mom-of-the-Year, but it's the truth. I can say with confidence that Dora has taught Katie things I would never have thought to teach her.  Hello, counting to 5 in Spanish!?! I assure you, I had nothing to do with that! Yay, Dora!

In the last week I've been noticing all of the Mom's on my Facebook & Twitter. I think of them going to their day jobs, rushing around in the morning to get their kid(s) awake, fed, clean, out the door, possible daycare drop offs, then to work, spending the day doing what all moms do, multi-tasking, your brain never allowed to focus too long on anything without thinking about how your kid(s) are doing, then you have to make sure once again they're fed & clean, possible activities, maybe homework, and then hopefully bed.  I hated that! I hate the idea of it. It makes me antsy. I want to be home with Katie as much as I can, I think it's good for her & I know it's good for me.  I will though, make an effort to find a part-time job soon &send her to daycare a day or two a week. That will be great for both of us. I look forward to it.

I feel very grateful that I have been able to stay home when I physically & mentally needed it most. I believe firmly that the Universe knows what it's doing. I'll figure this career thing out eventually, until then I'm a stay-at-home-mom & proud of it!

Mixed bag of emotions

Today has been an emotional one.

Katie was in full on cranky, challenging, terrible twos this morning. We battled a lot. I felt like a failure of a Mommy all morning. I didn't realize how much I would need patience as a mother nor did I realize how little patience I have. Many tears were shed this morning between Katie & I.  Thankfully nap time fixed that.

Then, someone I consider myself to be friendly with & who is a friend of my brother's was sentenced to a year + 15 days in jail. I am heartbroken for him & his family. It's a very controversial issue and  people throw opinions around & that infuriates me. Regardless, I am so sad for him, I worry about what will happen to him in jail. I can't see how this will help anything or how he's supposed to 'get better' while being locked up, but at the same time I've said all along that we should leave the decisions up to the courts. It's one of those times where everything is black & white...I think there was some grey...

Also, today, my parents are on their way to Moncton for the night. Tomorrow my Dad will meet his new Doctor & I assume discuss treatment. I am so worried, not about the treatment but my parents. They both are very obviously stressed out over this. I see it in them, so until his appointment however far off in the future when he gets the all clear of cancer, I will worry about them.

But to end on a positive note, I feel human again!  I'm cautiously optimistic about this pill combination.  I was able to go to the dance portion of Jeff's work Christmas party on Saturday. It was great. I danced so much! It was awesome! So for that, I am very grateful.  So, thank you, Universe.

Pity Party for One

Today, despite all logic, I'm having a pity party for one.

This is going to be a whiny, self-indulgent blog entry; consider yourself warned.

I am so tired of being sick.  I've been positive thinking my ass off & it's not working. I'm pissed off at the Univserse right now. Really effing pissed off!

I got through depression for fuck sake, I wanted to kill myself at one point & I got through it, I have been fighting anxiety with everything I have and will continue to do so....Give me a break!!!! I can't leave the house because my IBS is so bad.  I've had to cancel Doctor's appointments because my IBS is too bad to go & wait.  I'm really tired of it.

I can deal with a lot of things, I have dealt with a lot of things, but this...it just doesn't make any sense. I have been eating better in the last two months than I probably have in the last 10 years, and now I'm sick?! It doesn't make sense!!!

I'm angry and I am going crazy in the house.  I'm snappy, cranky & I imagine pretty unpleasant to live with lately.  I am just fed up!

I'm tired of feeling so lethargic. My house is a mess & I have no energy to clean it. It takes everything I have just to feed & look after Katie most days lately.  I just want to feel good again, so I can start exercising like I had planned on doing a few weeks ago but haven't felt well since. GAH!

Ok...I'm done whining now....back to positive thinking & all that hippie dippy bullshit I preach....

The unknown..

I'm overwhelmed.
For at least three weeks my IBS has been out of control. Worse than I can ever remember. It was bad enough for me to go to the Doctor, who technically is a LPN, but she is better than any certified Doctor I've ever seen.
Two weeks ago she suggested I try probiotics & gave me a prescription to take at bedtime, ordered bloodwork & the oh-so-pleasant stool samples. Awesome. Except I'm still sick.
My bloodwork was only scheduled for next Thursday. This is asinine, in my opinion, I'm sick now. So back to my LPN I went today. She gave me 2 new RX's to take with the current one & sent me to the hospital as a walk-in to get everything done. 6 viles of blood & a paper bag full of sample collecting 'goodies' later, and I'm home.
I know IBS isn't cancer, I know it isn't life threatening, but something it is, is life altering.
A lot of people don't even know what IBS is, but to those who it affects, either personally or as a loved one, they know that this is a rotten, terrible, often embarrassing & painful 'syndrome' to have.
I'm focusing on the positive though, I have a medical professional who is really working with me to get me better & I'm so grateful for that.
I'm also overwhelmed because my father was diagnosed last week with prostate cancer.  Early stages for the most part & I really don't think for even 2 seconds that this is it for him. It's just that hearing the words 'your father has prostate cancer', to know that my Daddy, the man who means more to me than almost anyone...has cancer...it pisses me off.
I guess I'm sad too, I'm sad that my Dad has to go through all of this. I'm sad that my Mom will stress & worry herself sick over this. I'm sad that in a time when a new life is soon coming into our family, we have to deal with this.
I just want to scream Fuck you, cancer! Fuck. you. Leave my Daddy alone!
I wish it was that easy to make it go away, but at least they caught it fairly early & my Dad will get better.
The unknown is what scares me, I don't know what to expect. Both with my IBS & with my Dad's treatment. I'm not a fan of the unknown. Just like when I was growing up, I wasn't late for curfew, I didn't know what would happen if I was, but I wasn't about to find out...the damn unknown.
I love how writing this all down & releasing it from my head makes me feel a little less crazy.  Also, writing it down has allowed me to find some positives. I am going to get my IBS under control, my Dad will soon be cancer free & our family will be able to be happy together & celebrate my brother's son who will join us in a little over a month.
It will get better. I just know it.

My Mom

I speak like her, quickly & quite a bit. I fly off the handle like she did. I cry like her. I have a soft heart like her. I am strong like her. I am so proud of her. More so, I am so proud to come from her.

My mother...if you know Velna, you know all of the above is true about her, two fold if you know me as well. She & I, we are so alike in more ways than either of us even realize.  I am really just so proud to be her daughter.

It wasn't long ago that you wouldn't have heard those words from me.  Not because I didn't love my Mom, but because I didn't understand.  I didn't get it.  I didn't see her as a person, she was just my Mom.  This woman I rammed heads with for how many ever years. I see her for so much more now.

We spent a lot time battling each other.  She wanted so much for me.  She saw things in me that I didn't see.  She saw me throwing away my life by not trying in school.  Little did I understand then, and really until recently, that she was angry with me because she loved me so damn much. I get it now. Hindsight....

She has always loved me the best way she knew how.  She has always worried about me. She has always been proud of me...all things that I've really come to realize since moving home.  I can't believe I ever doubted any of those things.  I was so wrapped up in my own anger, depression & anxiety.

In case you don't know my Mom, she's a really great person.  She loves with her whole heart, she's determined (our polite way of saying stubborn), she would honestly give her family the shirt off her back if we even hinted at needed it, she loves to sing, dance & laugh,. She loves her children so much, but there is nothing in comparison to the love she shows Katie.

My Mom, is the best Grammy!! Holy cow, she's awesome!! She loves little Katie Lou with every fiber of her being.  That little girl knows that Grammy loves her, she knows Grammy thinks she's smart, beautiful & funny. She loves her Grammy so much in return.  They are such a gift to each other.

I am so glad that we moved home.  It has allowed my Mom & I to heal our relationship.  It has allowed us to  love each other openly.  It has allowed us to become much more what we have both always wanted. Mostly, it has allowed me to realize what a gift I have in my Mom.

Mom, I love you.  I love you, I love you, I love you.  Thank you for always loving me & I get it now.

More than Enough

She dances around me all day long. Her soft brown locks joyfully bouncing with her every move. She amazes me.  I, often, sit and watch her. Observe her playful ways.  The expressions she makes when her favourite character of the moment does something silly or scary. The slight eye covering when she's a bit fearful of what is coming next. She is mine for sure.  She is his for sure, as well.  Such an amazing little combination of character traits and flaws too.

She counts to twelve regularly now, she once counted backwards from 5, and finished it with an exuberant 'BLASTOFF!'. She teaches me how to be silly again.  I run around my home pretending to be someone who enjoys running,  just to hear her squeals of delight, her little happy shrieks & 'MAMA! waiiit!'. She knows her colours, but more often than not will confuse pink & purple. My little love bug.

She has such a soft, kind heart. I worry for her. I used to be like that.  If we cough, she needs to know we're ok, no matter what room we're in. If she knows someone is sad, sick or has just a simple headache, she will mention it more times than you can ever count. She mentions it with pure concern though, and I worry about her.

She really is such a wonderful little ray of sunshine. Grammy sings her that song, along with many others. She loves it, she loves her. It is such an amazing gift to be able to watch my mother & daughter embrace like they do. Grammy crouches down, Katie runs for her, they connect, my heart swells. Every single time. She loves her Poppy too. Oh, so much!  She loves to take him by the hand & drag him around to show him things. Silly Poppy!!  It's just such a gift, there is no other word.

If I had nothing else to be thankful for in my life, she would be enough.  She is always more than enough & I plan to make sure she always knows that.  Our gift from the Universe, so smart, sweet & beautiful.  Always, sweet Katherine, you will be more than enough.

I'm not that girl

Today, I was showing Katie my baby pictures, at the back of the album were these 4 pictures.  Prom 1996. It wasn't my prom, but that of my very platonic friend.  If you look closely, you'll notice something in all 4 photos, I have my arms covering my stomach.  Also, if you look closely, you'll notice I wasn't that big. I was about 175lbs, 5'8, a bit chubby at best.  I felt immediately saddened for that girl.  I remember being that girl. So very vividly.  She was so insecure. She felt so out of place & really thought no boy would ever love her.

As a teenager, I really didn't feel like I was ever good enough.  I didn't have any sense of style, I hung out in the band room (I love all my band friends, but we all know we weren't the 'cool' kids), I was flunking math, science and anything else that didn't interest me & I was fat.  Soooo incredibly fat!!! Except, I wasn't.

I wasn't fat.  I wasn't stupid.  I wasn't uncool.  The thing is, it has taken me until now to realize that.

I am at the beginning of what I believe to be the biggest change of my life.  Less than 2 weeks ago, Jeff & I started living a healthier life. We've been watching what we eat, he has been walking a lot, I go sometimes, and it feels really great.  Neither of us feel like we're giving up much.  It feels good to care about myself & my Katherine enough to do this. I fully believe I'm getting mentally stronger because of it, as well.

For someone who believes so strongly in the power of positive thought, I have been sucking in & blowing out a lot of negative energy the last little while. I guess I have been realizing lately that because I'm not by nature, a super happy-go-lucky person, I need to be more aware of the energy I put out. I want great things, so I have to put out great energy! Bottom line.

I wish the girl in those pictures knew then what I know now about life.  I know everyone says it, but when you have the first real moment where you realize what you've been through in your life & how proud you should be sometimes just for being here, breathing, living & loving.  My god....I wish I had of known then what I know now.

I think I would've taken the right things much more seriously. I would not have been such a self-conscious follower, because really, look at me; I have blue hair, I am not a follower. I thought I needed approval from people then that now, I wouldn't be upset if they never spoke to me again because I am stronger than I ever knew I could be.

I spent a lot of years feeling weak & unimportant.  I really thought that every person I ever encountered would think of me as a hateful bitch. Now, I cannot even fathom how many years of my life I spent believing that. I didn't think anyone would like me. Even when I had friends, mostly through work, I never really let anyone in, because I didn't believe they would ever really like me if they knew me. I'm a hateful bitch. Except, I'm not.

I'm not any of the things that my really vicious internal dialogue has been telling me for as long as I can even remember. It's funny the things you remember from your childhood; at the forefront of my brain is one time when I was at a friend's place & her older brother made fun of me by saying I had 'gummy lips'.  I remember thinking it was such a horrible thing, it stuck with me, until recently when I've realized that women pay money for lips like these! Mine were free!  Buh-Bye silly voice in my head!

I'm beginning to feel this fire inside me, I feel strong & confident. The old voices telling me how fat my legs are, how embarrassed I should be for showing them in public, the ones telling me how much people won't like me at first sight because I have foolish hair or because I'm a hateful bitch, they're going away.

I'm not that girl anymore, I'm twice as old now as I was then. I'm glad that even though it has taken way too long, the sadness & fears that she held are becoming less and less mine. It feels good to love yourself.  Who knew?

Done. Deal.

Today, I had to fight with my mind to do what I wanted to do physically. My 'little' cousin got married in Moncton, I live about an hour & a half away.  Logically, easy peasy, lemon squeezy! In my mind, holy sweet mother of god, I can't possibly do this! IMPOSSIBLE! My heart raced most of the day today. I had few calm moments internally but that doesn't matter now, because I DID IT!!!

I told my Mom, I'm feeling anxious today, she said, so am I, then we walked in together. She gives me more strength than I let on.

I sat among my family and also, a bunch of strangers & watched my cousin get married. I cried tears of happiness for him(shocking, I know). I was there. That means a lot to me.

I, also, went to the crowded, hot, sticky mall. I miss Champlain Place, but today, like so many others when we lived in Moncton, caused me to feel antsy & unsettled. I did it though...

I'm finding strength in myself that I didn't know I had.  It's surprising....it is also hard to process, because I'm realizing that I've allowed myself to become a victim of my depression & anxiety. I let them 'be' Paula.  Who are you? I'm depressed & anxious.  My realization is that I'm not depression & anxiety. I'm just not & it won't win. Done. Deal.

Anxiety & Fear

Anxiety & fear are major parts of my life. I, honestly, don't remember there ever being a time in my life when I wasn't abnormally afraid of something. Anxiety has always been there as well. It's just the last year, however, that it has become a very serious issue. Fear has probably been the strongest guiding force in the course of my life.

As I said, I have been afraid for as long as I can remember....I don't know why, but I have been.  I remember hating to walk from the bus stop to my house, when I was in elementary, because I was always afraid someone would be following me. It was, at most, a five minute walk.  I have always been afraid of the dark, being outside after dark, & being home alone, especially after dark. Sickeningly terrified.

I can remember once when I was in grade 10, my parents had gone out, ironically to the house I currently live in, to visit my cousin & her husband.  I stayed home because I wanted to talk to my boyfriend on the phone. This meant, however, that I would essentially quarantine myself into my parent's bedroom.  That was what I always did. If I had to be home alone, I stayed upstairs. The doors locked downstairs. Anyhow, I was home alone, and I heard a car pull into the driveway & loud banging on the door. I thought I was going to die from how loudly my heart was racing.  They banged again.  No one ever banged on our door like that.  I peeked out the blinds & saw that a car had backed into our driveway, and as I peeked the person banging happened to come off the stairs & notice me. The car left.  I told my boyfriend that I had to call my Dad to come home, then I called him back.  That was 17 years ago. I remember the panic & fear like it was ten minutes ago.

I know some people get a weird rush from being mildly frightened. Scary movies, roller coasters & whatnot. I think these people are out of their minds!  I need to have Jeff mute the TV & tell me when it's okay to look again when a commercial for a scary movie comes on. I am thirty-three & those are real, honest to goodness, frightening things for me.

When I turned 16, I was not only uninterested in driving, but adamant that I was in no rush to drive. I was afraid. I felt like I couldn't do it.  I'm clumsy, a klutz & sometimes I have the attention span of a toddler. I couldn't drive. I just knew it. So, the idea of driving became my enemy.  Despite, the offers & ribbings by family members to both let them teach me to tormenting me for not just doing it.  'Just do it! Its easy!' they'd say.  I didn't WANT to do it.  No thank you, kindly leave me alone. I felt that way until two days ago.

Two or three weeks ago, I ran out of Cymbalta. I had two choices; call the clinic, get an appointment & get a refill, or go cold turkey. I knew deep down that I didn't want to take these pills anymore.  I knew as well, that it could be risky to not take them but I would never let myself even begin to slide into the depression that I have felt at my lowest.  If need be, I will take pills for the rest of my life to avoid that state of not being, but I wanted to try.

I have had a few low days, a few panicky days, but overall, I actually feel better. I felt like I was hiding behind my medication & disorders.  It's okay if I'm sad, snappy & withdrawn, I'm depressed. It's okay if I lay around & begin to gain a startling resemblance to Jabba the Hutt, I'm depressed. I'm allowed to be afraid & never try anything new, I have anxiety AND I'm depressed!! Double Golden ticket out!

I'm tired of being afraid of the 'what ifs' of life.  I am thirty-three, which I hope is still young enough to begin to get a real life, but old enough to have learned from my past.

I have a lot of silly fears & phobias. One of them being eating in restaurants.  This ties into my ibs, I mean what would happen IF my stomach were to get sick while I was in public?? At a restaurant!! I'm fairly certain axis would collide, right? Wrong. So very wrong.

This weekend, I decided to take baby steps toward controlling my future. Small steps that will have a huge overall impact on my family.  I decided to let go of my fear of driving.  Just let it go. I have collectively spent about 3-4hrs driving in the last two days.  Yesterday, I also decided to surprise Jeff & tackle my fear of eating in restaurants.  My end destination of my driving yesterday was Boston Pizza.  It was really great incredible to let go. Today, I drove all over the place, just out & about for 2 hours.  I loved it.

I can't even really describe how proud I am of myself.  I'm not one for tooting my own horn, but when I think about the walls I broke down for myself this weekend, it brings tears to my eyes.

Baby steps....

Clarity

Sometimes, I have moments of clarity in my life.
Knowing whole heartedly for a year that we would be moving home, because I had a moment of clarity. I put it out into the Universe. I set it free. I held up my end of the bargain. I believed. The Universe seemed to know I wasn't ready to work.  So, Jeff got the job that brought us back to Miramichi.
Well, anyhow...I've been having these moments of clarity lately. I need to lose weight. I'm terrified of the idea of not losing weight. I know that, I, like most other obese people, make promises to lose weight & get better all the time. I know that I'm just a cliche at this point, but I guess what I'm doing right now is asking you all for help. I feel like now is my time to do this for myself.
I need direction. I need common sense help. I need motivation.
I have a friend who says she has to lose an average adult male, and well, very sadly, so do I.
The truth hurts, but I have faith that it can be changed!
I get by with a little help from my friends

Right now

11pm, I'm sitting cross-legged on Katie's bedroom floor.

Jeff is at the Black Horse with his co-workers & spouses. I'm not there because of anxiety.

So, instead, I'm sitting here with my sciatic nerve screaming at me, because sweet Lou woke up scared. She needed her Mama.

I rocked my sweet girl, craddled poorly, in my arms. My little big girl, who says xylophone, & refers to a group of people as 'you guys'. She was scared, she told me that much between little sad sobs. I turned on her night light at her request. Now, I'm sitting here because, she wants me here and to be honest, I'm less lonely sitting in here with her.

I'm anxious for Jeff to get home. This is the first time I've been alone with Katie at night. It's weird & I can't say that I'm a fan.

As I sit here, listening to the soft gentle snore like breathes of my precious girl, I am realizing one thing... I wish had brought my glass of wine in with me...

Shadows

Anxiety runs through my veins
Integral part of my being

Can I exist without it
Will I ever exist without it
Fear in my heart
Gripping my soul

Untruths
Making them right
Mending the tears

Anxiety
Never ending
Persistent
Unexpected
Unwanted

Shadows dancing
In the moonlight of my soul

Let them be free

Emerge from the shadows

Let them be

Healing
Commences

Flat on your ass...

It's amazing how anxiety & depression can grip you when you least expect it.  Just when you think you're doing fairly well, WHAM! Flat on your ass.

Today, I have been flattened by it.  Yesterday, I was fine.  Last night, a bit anxious. Today, I want to curl up in a ball & cry forever.

I yelled at Katie 3 times today.  I don't yell.  I hate yelling.  I only yell when I don't feel well or am extremely overwhelmed by something.  All 3 times, I walked away for a moment, recomposed myself, came back & apologized to my sweet girl. All 3 times, she hugged me, kissed my forehead & said 'otay, mama, otay'.

My heart is breaking right now.  My heart breaks when I think about the Mama that Katie deserves & how I really don't know if I'm living up to that standard.

I'm so tired of this disease/disorder, whatever you want to call it....  Leave me alone, already!!! GOOOO AWAY!!!

Anxiety & IBS can take a flying leap too....I'm tired of it all.  I'm not nearly as strong as I pretend to be.  As strong as I want others to think I believe myself to be. I know people probably know this but I've never admitted to myself that I'm fairly weak. I'm crumbling.  I thought I was on the mend, but I'm just starting.  I need to let go of the darkness inside.

I hate that writing this will cause worry for people who love me.  That makes me not want to write it down & put it out there. I feel that I owe it to myself to be frank & open, though.

I'm just having a really, really bad day.  I just had a really good cry, my eyes are almost swollen shut, it's a good look.  I feel better for it...hoping soon I'll feel better still.

I like Garth, he likes Elvis....

Yesterday, he sent me a facebook message asking me to read over a letter of appeal based on his settlement amount for the class action Mirapex law suit.  I read over it & it brought back memories of a time when I thought I was going to lose him.  I thought his life would end because I knew he was spiraling out of control but I didn't realize it was his medication, I was & am 800kms away, so I had no idea at the time what he was up against.

My best friend, my friendship soul mate, my one person who is more real with me sometimes than even Jeff is because he doesn't have to live with me, my Robbie.

For those of you who don't know 'my' Robbie, we have been close since we met, best friends for most of it. I was 15, he was 17 when we first met.  I fell madly in teenage love with this wacky, loud, impulsive, attention drawing, Elvis loving teenage boy.  I saw beneath the layers of  'look at me' somehow or other, and I knew that we were meant to be...I thought then that I was meant to fall in love with him, he was going to become a famous singer, we were going to live in a mansion on a hill. Oh, the mind of a smitten 15 year old! In reality, we were meant to be the absolute best of friends.  We were meant to be there for each other no matter what terrifying shit life was going to throw at us.  We were meant to have such a bond that 7 years of not seeing each other meant nothing, and in 2 seconds we were back to being us.

Robbie was diagnosed with early onset Parkinson's Disease when he was 27 or 28, he's now 35 & has had to deal with more than any person should.  It's bad enough to find out at such a young age that your brain & body are fighting against what you want to be able to do, but then to end up taking a drug that is supposed to help you & ends up doing anything but.

Mirapex caused Robbie to become a person he isn't, it made him compulsive, it made him lie, it made him someone I didn't want to be friends with because I didn't know what was really happening.  He pawned all of his musical equipment to use for drugs & sex, anyone who knows Robbie Tucker, knows that this is NOT  him.  This is not the person he has ever been. He cheated on his partner, he would wander late at night looking for hook ups, he thought claiming he could raise 1 million dollars for the Parkinson's Society of Canada was a rational amount.  He was clearly, not in his right mind.  It was unnerving & terrifying. How he survived that period of time is beyond me.

Fast forward to today, Robbie is amazing.  He is down right inspiring.  He took charge of his life, he got a new neurologist, when his Mirapex prescribing one told him that he simply was bi-polar & needed more meds, instead of taking him seriously with his concerns.  He is deeply into yoga, clean eating & is amazing in the kitchen. He is now The Healthy Bitch, and makes lots of different healthy snacks that he sells at the yoga studio he attends. He volunteers at a food kitchen, he bikes anywhere that he can, he loves life in a way I don't think he ever has.

He amazes me, he challenges me, he makes me feel guilty for being such a lazy schmuck who has a body that works just fine but doesn't get used ever.  He makes me want to be a healthy bitch too!

Robbie, makes me more proud that he'll ever know.  I went from being a teenager in  puppy love to a best friend who loves him so deeply & unconditionally, I cannot imagine my life without Robbie Tucker. He isn't just my friend, he is absolutely my family.

As I was saying when I started this entry, yesterday Robbie asked me to look over his letter of appeal on the settlement offered to him. I won't get into exact specifics but to be offered less than a thousand dollars for the damage done to his life makes me angry.  His life could have been lost because of the side effects of this medication, and the amount offered to him is like a slap in the face.  I, truly hope that Robbie & all others who have had to deal with the insurmountable financial & personal loss are compensated properly, however that may be.

Robbie Tucker, I am so incredible proud to even know you, I can't imagine how I got so lucky to be your best friend for life.  You are such an inspiring, strong & innovative human being.  I look forward to watching us as we grow old & get more bitter with life & each other! I look forward to watching you kick Parkinson's ass & never giving in, because we both know that you are the ABSOLUTE most stubborn person ever!

Peener loves you Toilet man!! Go laugh in the face of poop or Parkinson's or something......

This was Christmas formal 1994, I was 15, he was 17.

Katie Lou turns 2

Sitting quietly in my daughter's room as she starts to drift off into nap land, I watch her precious little face. This little girl, this ball of energy, this mile a minute talker is almost 2.

Two years ago, I was one day from my due date & wondered if my Katie would ever arrive.  Now, I can't believe everything we've been through together.

I am truly amazed by her. Amazed. she has just begun singing, and boy, does she ever love it.  Just random sounds & sometimes a twinkle or star gets thrown in.

She loves to run. Her arms & legs flapping about, as if they are not even aware of how quickly she is moving. 

She loves rocks, trains, & butterflies. Her 'friends' are Elmo, Mickey mouse, pooh bear & Tinkerbell. 

She loves playing outside. Going to Grammy & Poppy's house. Snuggles, her two fingers to suck on & her bunny. 

She is the reason I want to be better. She's the reason I decided to live life fully as myself, unafraid of what others think. I don't want her to grow up afraid of the world, the way I am. I want her to truly believe that she can do or be anything, because I truly believe in that.

I had no idea the ride I was in for 2 years ago. I waited 5 days longer than I expected to have to wait for this little beauty. Seeing as she arrived on her own schedule, I  shouldn't be so surprised that she's so determined.

I have a feeling that the last two years have been good building blocks for our future. We butt heads, figuratively & literally, we hug, we cry, we get angry, we say sorry,we do it all together.

On June 17th, I'll not only be celebrating Katie's 2nd birthday, but also the day I started my journey to being a better person.

Katherine Louise Grattan, sweet Katie Lou, I love you & I'm so incredibly proud to be your Mama.

Struggles & Pink Hair

Some days, I still struggle.  Some days, I still feel down. Some days, I feel unsettled. This week, I've been experiencing all of this.  I don't know why.  I just know that it will pass.  I just have to work hard to get myself out of it.  These feelings don't scare me anymore.  They used to shame me. I felt less than, because I have this amazing daughter, I mean really, she's a superstar, well, she's my superstar.  I have such a wonderful husband & father in my life.

Why was I falling apart? Why?

I found out why.  Everyone has a breaking point.  Everyone.  When you get to your breaking point, you start having panic attacks.  You see non-threatening things as being threatening.  Your 'fight or flight' instincts kick in, but because there is no threat, you have a panic attack.  Finding out this information has made me realize that I can & absolutely will get better.

I'm still anxious every single day.  Every single time we leave the apartment to go to an appointment, to get groceries, or simply to my parents' house, I get anxious. It feels so silly when you write it down.  My parents house.  The house that I grew up in, I lived there until I was 24, it was my home.  Why would I ever be anxious? What a wacky disorder to have.

Despite my anxiety, I am so much happier being my true self now.  I have pink hair.  I have (sorry mom & dad) mother fucking pink hair!!!! Can you stinking believe it?! SO fun!!! I spent so much time in my life worrying about what people would think of me.  Will they like me, they probably think I'm a bitch, I need to cover up my fat body because it may offend them, I need to look the role of a mom.  All things I've thought.  All things I still struggle with.

 My internal dialogue is pretty rough some days, but I know that it's wrong.  I'm not the person I expect other people to think I am.  Also, that's pretty bold of me, to think I know what people think.  Seriously, why do I think these people two flying frigs about me? Frig, I just realized how ridiculous it all is.  I'm a fat chick, who doesn't want to spend one more summer entirely in jeans.  Like it or lump it.  Also, you may see a variety of shades in my hair over the next few months, possibly an eyebrow piercing & a new tattoo.  Just saying that I'm working on doing the things that feel like me...it's pretty dang liberating to be frank.

Revelations

This week has brought upon me, many realizations & revelations.  The greatest of these is how at peace my soul is now.  My heart is happy.  I feel at ease.  I feel so loved. I'm home.

I'm 33 years old.  I'm a Stay-at-home Mom, right now, to incredible, amazing, funny, sweet, inquisitive, spunky, almost 2, Katie Lou.  I'm wife to such an incredible man. Katie & I are so lucky to have Jeff. He loves us like a real man should. He's proud of his family & we're proud of him.  I have parents who really would give us the shirts off their backs if we even suggested that we needed them.  They love the 3 of us so fiercely that I can't even begin to explain to them how thankful we are.  I appreciate my parents so much more after being home this last month, than I ever have in all my 33 years.  

I have a brother who is my best friend.  He really is.  There are 10.5 years between Scott & I, yet, we're equal in our relationship.  We went from protective big brother, to being protective of each other. I love that we both know that if one of us needs the other, there is no time of day that we aren't there for one another. We also call each other on our shit. If I'm being an idiot, he tells me, if he's being stupid, I tell him.  It has to be that way to be in an adult sibling relationship. No matter what though, after being angry or upset with each other, we always, always know that we love each other.  He's my best friend.

I also just realized this week, how much I love & need my Mom.  I don't have the words to tell her when I talk to her.  So, I know she will read this at some point. Mom, I love you.  I love our time together. I love watching you with Katie. I love you. I love you. I love you.  PS...I'm sorry I'm so bitchy sometimes, it's a work in progress for me too....

I feel inner strength in Miramichi that I have been lacking for quite some time.  I feel like I can fight my anxiety here.  I feel anxious most times I go out still, but the difference here is that I still go out. I didn't do that in Moncton, but here, at home, I feel like I have more support. I mean, I got my permit. I still haven't driven, but just having the piece of plastic in my wallet is a huge leap for me.

I feel more confident now that we've returned to Miramichi as well.  I do my hair, put on make-up, try to accessorize so that I can look good when I'm out. With that said, I have a new if you don't like me, don't look at me, attitude! I've decided that my tree trunk legs & flabby arms are mine to accept & love.  I need to embrace my body as it is, and realize that I'm really okay as I am.  I plan to wear capris, tank tops, skirts & I'm even planning on getting brave & buying a bathing suit.  I'm going to make the conscious decision to not care what other people think about me.

I'm going to be outside this summer.  I'm going to be active, sweaty & happy.  I'm going to run around with our Katie. I'm going to dig in the dirt with her. I'm going to enjoy our time together.

I'm happy to feel so happy.  I'm happy to be able to realize the wonderful opportunities that are being given to us.  I'm just so grateful. 

Gratitude

Gratitude.

One word sums up much of what I've been feeling lately.

I whined & complained when life was serving us plenty of things that made each day so difficult that getting up in the morning became a chore.  So, now that I have so much happiness & goodness in my life, I want to shout from the rooftops how grateful I am.

Just thinking about how lucky we are brings tears to my eyes.  Happy tears.  They flow so much more now than the tears of frustration & sadness.

I have 2 amazing parents.  I have loved them always but now appreciate them so much more than I ever have in my life.  They are such incredible grandparents to sweet Katie Lou. She loves her Grammy & Poppy SO much! It fills up my happy meter when I see them do stuff with her. To see the pure, genuine happiness she brings them is a gift to me.  To hear the honest, uncontrolled laughter that she brings out of them. Grateful.

To be surrounded by family again, is amazing.  I had become so detached. I had forgotten how much I love my extended family.  Seeing family, having them finally meet Katie, it's amazing.  They are going to get to know our little Dood.  This is not something I expected to have for her. In my opinion, this is a huge gift for her.  I cannot imagine growing up away from my extended family.  I have so many cousins, not really knowing them is an absurd thought for me.

I also am getting my head around losing weight for real.  Every day I try to something better than the day before. I'm starting to come to terms with the reality of me being 33, morbidly obese, family history of heart problems & I have an almost 2yr old.  I have to change, for Katie, for Jeff & for myself.

It's still odd to me that a dying city where youth leave because of the lack of opportunity is, in fact, the greatest opportunity that my little family has been given.

The Universe leads you if you listen.  If you're grateful, positive & do the work, the Universe listens.  So, for all I've been given, the absolute hardest days when we couldn't afford a loaf of bread, to the most cherished gift I've been given in Katie, I'm grateful for everything.

Thank you, Universe.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Gratitude.

Home

I haven't been feeling so hot the last two weeks.  My back was really bad for a little over a week, the move was stressful, I've been taking my pills at different times every day, I'm beyond exhausted all of the time.  Tomorrow I'm going to call the day clinic to get an appointment to get a refill on my pills & hopefully get some blood work done.  I think my B12 is probably just low, but we'll see, could just be all the stress of the last month finally catching up with me.

I like being home.  It feels right.  Although, I do forget almost on a daily basis that we aren't in Moncton anymore.  It's weird. I forget that we can't just run to Champlain Place on a whim because we're bored or that Second Cup is no longer an option for yummy lattes.  Those are the things I miss the most so far.  I made very few real friends in Moncton, I made a lot of acquaintances, and met a lot of great people. Very few real friends though.  So, I'm hoping Miramichi will be a way for me to get back to being the girl with friends who loves to have fun & do stuff.  Except now, I'm also a mother & wife.  I'm fairly certain that I'm a much improved version of the Paula who left Miramichi 8 years ago.

I feel more confident in who I am.  I have learned a lot about myself in the last 8 years.  The person I let myself become, the faults I had, the mistakes I made, some bigger than others, but each a lesson.  I, also,have learned how damn strong I am.  I have learned to be a great mother.  I have learned to be a better wife. I have learned to be a better & more free me.

I am perfectly fine with the person that I am.  I know the person I can become though, and that is who I am striving to become.

I am more shocked than I care to admit to make the next statement, but I truly believe Miramichi holds our chance at a great life.

Life is good.  I'm grateful. I'm so so lucky.  Life is good.

Random happiness

I have a million and one thoughts running through my mind.  I am abundantly happy, I am terrified, I am excited,  I am sad, I am grateful. I am so very, very grateful.

I am actually writing without editing today.  I'm just writing the words that come into my head without stopping to over think it all. Except just now, I stopped to scratch my elbow, but that doesn't count.  Ok, back to me writing without thinking.

In, like, no time at all, we are moving to Miramichi.  MIRAMICHI!!! What in the name of Tallulah is going on in the Universe that actually is bringing me back to Miramichi?!  I never even thought until a year ago that it was remotely possible.  It is, however, very possible, and it is happening!

Jeff got a job at the payroll center that is bringing us home.  Home. I'm not sure why, but for many years I was defiant that Miramichi was really home anymore.  We've been in Moncton for 8 years, after about 3, I considered it home.  I knew we would start a family here, assumed we would raise said family here, but we'd visit Miramichi.   That was what we wanted.  Then for some reason it changed.

A little over a year ago, my Mom started telling me about how to apply for the payroll jobs.  As I used to often do, I gave her a 'yeah, ok, we'll do it' and of course, we wouldn't. She was on me for weeks before we applied.  I'm so grateful for her persistence.

That night, after we applied, I told Jeff that one of us was going to get on for certain & the other would stay home with Katie.  For over a year, with every email he received telling him about the next step in the process, I knew that we were moving home.  I knew it more than I have ever known anything.  I didn't waiver for a moment.  When talking to my Mom, I'd say don't worry, we'll be living home then.  I'm sure everyone was terrified of what would happen to my mental state if he hadn't gotten the job, but I wasn't worried because I KNEW he was going to get it.

I used 'The Secret' and the absolute amazing power of positive thought.  Jeff & I both spent time individually & unknowingly to the other on Monday focusing on feeling like we live in Miramichi.  If you feel it, if you're grateful to the Universe, if you envision it, you can make anything happen.  The Universe will present the opportunities to you, you just have to be alert enough to make them work for you.

I probably sound like a crazy person right now, but I don't even care.  I know that positive thought works, it brought 2 huge changes to our lives.  Katie & this job/move.

I can't believe this is really happening.  I mean, I knew it would, but now it's real.  I am so overwhelmed.  I miss my family so much.  I realized about 4 months ago how much I really wanted to move back to Miramichi.  I realized that I needed my family. I'm not as independent as I've pretended to be for the last 7 years. I need my family.

Now that Katie is a bit older, I want my parents to be involved in her life.  I want her to be able to go to the store with Grampy.  I want her to be able to bake cookies with Grammy.  I want those things for myself too, I miss spending time with my parents.  I miss my aunts & cousins.  I miss family.

I'm so excited! I feel like a big change like this could be exactly what we needed to shake things up.

It's time for me to stop writing & go clean something.  So little time & such an insane amount to do!! It's going to be so worth it!!

Four days.

Four days. Four days.

I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm sad.  I'm a normal amount of all of those things.  That's a first in a long time. In four days, I return to work. In four days, I test myself. In four days, life returns to 'normal'. In four days, I will realize that I'm strong & capable. 

I haven't worked since January 27th.  I will have been off exactly 40 days when I return to work.  40 amazing, life changing days.  

When I went on leave, I was so inexplicably not myself.  I listened to Violin by Amos Lee repeatedly like it was my anthem. It felt as if that song came from my soul.  I wanted to be saved. I wanted someone to rescue me from my sadness.Then, 3 people did. My Jeff, My Katie & Myself. Together, the 3 of us can do anything.  

I am so incredibly lucky. I am so incredibly grateful to the Universe for both of them. The love they give me every single day, well, it's nothing short of life saving.  

I feel as if I am so much stronger than I ever realized that I am.  I am capable. I am emotional. I am fierce. I can really do anything that I need to do. I'm feeling rather amazing the last few days.  I've turned into some messed up, domesticated crazy lady.  It's a great feeling!

So, in four days.  I'm hoping this great feeling follows me to work.  I'm hoping it reassures me that I can do anything.  I know it's going to be so hard.  I'm going to miss Katie & Jeff so much, but I know that I can get through it.  I'm stronger than I realize.  I need to keep repeating that. I don't need to be saved anymore.  I've saved myself.

fighting

I have been off work since Saturday January 28th.  That was the day I realized I was too tired to fight through it all.  Then the next day, I decided the same thing, then again on Monday.  I knew I needed time.  I feel like I have been fighting my depression with one hand tied behind my back.  Going to work, being a Mom, Wife & finding time to allow myself to decompress, they weren't meshing well together.  I totally understand that there are many many parents who are much busier than I am, but for me & for my capabilities, it was too much.

I returned to work full-time at the end of May 2011. I had only addressed my postpartum depression a month earlier with my Dr. Everything was a constant battle.  My new manager seemed to enjoy making me feel like I was always on the cusp of losing my job.  The daycare we found for Katie left us feeling uncertain about our choice. I was stressed out 24/7.  My manager was a complete bully.  One day she loved you, the next you were on the shit list. I was jerked around so much, and made feel like I wasn't dependable because of my family commitments.

October 17th, I started a new job. This was going to be the moment I could breathe & feel happy again.  I thought this job was going to be the cure-all.  I was wrong.  It really has nothing to do with the job or the company, both are amazing, but they can't fix me.

I'm currently off work until March 5th.  I've been keeping my girl home with me as much as I can.  She makes me feel better.  Her spirit & wonder make me smile. I need that as much as I can get it.

On the form my Dr. filled out for my work, he wrote the word 'Agoraphobia' & it took my breathe away.  I'm anxious & uncomfortable to go outside of my apartment.  I have a panic attack at the thought of going out. I used to get cabin fever if I was inside for 2 days in a row.  Until yesterday I had been inside for a week & was in no rush to get out. I've promised myself that I will force myself out in the next few days.

I feel really indifferent lately.  Not really sad, not really happy, not really anything.  When I look in the mirror, I don't think I look like myself. I'm this sullen woman with sad eyes.

I need to fight this.  I am so determined to win.

Positive thoughts, positive energy, I'm fighting with all that I have.

I am

I am broken.

Just at this moment, well about 3 minutes ago, those 3 words came out of my mouth.  I wasn't speaking to anyone, I'm alone right now.  Katie is napping & the cat is in another room.

I am broken.

The reality of that has been settling in with me the last week.  Depression has been gripping me harder than I'd like to admit.  Panic attacks come on when they want.  I am broken & I am tired.

I will, however, do everything I can to work on repairing whatever needs to be repaired within me.

I am broken
but
I am a mother
I am a wife
I am a daughter
I am a sister
I am a fighter.