It Gets Better

3 months ago my life was different than it is now.  I was in a dark place that kept getting darker.  I felt hopeless with my job.  I felt like my boss was bullying me, like I had no control over my situation, like it would never get better.  I felt trapped.  I used to wake up feeling incredibly sick, I would take bathroom breaks at work to lock myself in a stall & cry.  I was ready to ask my doctor to give me stronger anti-depressants.  Then, I took control by forcing myself to focus on the possibilities & using every ounce of positive energy I had in me for making things better.

I applied for jobs, knowing that I would absolutely find the right job for me.  The job that is going to help my family have less stress.  Then randomly out of the blue, I got an email.  An email, from a company I had actually applied with months earlier.Within 4 days of said email, I had a new job that started 4 days after I was hired.

I am so incredibly grateful for this change.  I needed it more than I even realized.

That being said, in the last 2 months, I've been experiencing panic attacks.  I've had them in the past but they were never this bad.  I know without a doubt that I can & will get through this.  Right now, however, it still sucks.  My Dr gave me anti-anxiety meds to take up to twice a day, I did that once & I was high as a kite.  I couldn't function, so now I'm only taking them when needed.  That seems to work for me, so I'll continue taking them that way.  Hopefully, before too long, I won't need them anymore.

My new schedule at work has been trying, but it also has a silver lining.  I work 4-12, Thurs-Mon.  I rarely get to see Jeff, which is so hard, but we're managing. Katie & I get 2 full days off together on my days off now, as well as most of the day on Saturday & Sunday. Three days a week, I only get to see her for an hour in the morning.  Those are the days that I dread.  She's changing so much that I don't want to miss any time with her, but Mama needs to work.

Despite all the crap, I know that it gets better & it is going to get better soon.  I feel it.  For now, I'm focusing on the things I can change, making the best of the moments that are mine & just putting my head down so I can plow through the tough days.

It gets better, Paula.  It gets better.

Green with Envy

You know, I think I'd be happier if I stopped wanting someone else's life. Wait, I love the people in my life, and wouldn't trade them, but materialistically I want other people's lives.

I spend so much time focusing on the things that we don't have, the things I want, the things we can't afford. I joke about being broke, and pretend I don't care.

I care, I care a lot. I know that we're doing the best we can with what we have. We could definitely do better, but I think we're doing fairly well. I just wish there was more to go around. I'm sure a lot of people do though.

It's weird when you become a parent how things change for you. The wants I have now are rarely for myself. I mean obviously some are, but mostly it's things I want for our girl. She never goes without, and by all means has more than enough but I still wish there was more.

As my previous entry stated...change is in the air...we'll see where it takes us

Change?

I feel tense lately. I'm not sleeping well. I'm moody & unpredictable. I'm stressed out & I have no idea why.

Today at work, it was busy. Really, really, busy. In the midst of the insanity, I got a ridiculously bad headache, and my words got a bit confused. It felt the same as the only other time that I've had a migraine, but I immediately popped some tylenol & put on my glasses, quickly I felt better. A little while later I felt like I might have a panic attack of sorts. I felt very anxious, in fact right now while typing this & recalling how I felt, I feel the same way. I feel like someone is squeezing my throat. Ok, I need to shake it off.

Wow, that was intense. Anyhow...I don't know what's going on with me. It's driving me crazy though.

I know that I need to look after myself better. I need to get exercise, some, at least...if not for me then for my little Katie Lou...my little lou lou bear...she deserves the best Mama she can have. I don't know why I can't force myself to understand that I need to change. I mean, I know it, obviously I know it, but why don't I feel like I'm enough to deserve it? Why can't I figure out a way to do this?

I feel like there's a big change coming in my life, our life soon...Something good is going to happen for us soon, maybe this is it? Maybe, getting our health back is the change...maybe, it's time for us to make it the change....

BNI

Rarely do I pat myself on the back. I'm not one to brag or promote myself at all, but hot damn I'm good at my job. I can do more things than any other regular agent in there, I'm trained in a multitude of tasks that most others can't do, and I'm proud of myself.

I, actually, really enjoy my job most days. I love that I have responsibilities beyond that of a Customer Care agent. I love that my boss came to me yesterday because she needs help in another branch of our department & asked me to help them out. I love that she knows that I'm capable of these things. I've only been back about 6 weeks & already I'm back fully in the swing of things from when I left.

I feel good about my job lately. I feel like I'm actually good at something other than being a Mom. My new (post-maternity leave) boss really seems to recognize people's strong points more. I appreciate that about her.

I get to laugh every day with a wide variety of people. We have people from early 20's to mid 60's and we manage to laugh together. It's fantastic.

I'm ok right now with my job. This makes me happy.

Worthless

I've been really down the last few days. I've tried to ignore it but the sadness is bigger & stronger than I am.

My head feels very tired. So many things spinning around. I'm trying really hard to decipher what's real from what is just my depression taking over. The line between the two is very slight & that sometimes makes it harder to think clearly.

I am so grateful for Katie, she's really the only reason I get up every day. She's the reason I haven't randomly quit my job, she's the reason I'm still alive. I, literally, owe my life to her.

I'm sitting in the lunchroom at work before my shift starts & it is taking everything in my power not to go into the bathroom & cry my face off. The sadness is gripping my every breathe, thought & movement, today. It's hard to function like this.

It's embarrassing to say this & really mean it but I feel worthless. I feel like no one likes me & why would they? I'm a bitch. Plain & simple.

My internal dialogue is extremely mean & degrading. I wish I could shut it up. I wish I felt worthy of anything good. I wish I wasn't me.

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Dark Days

I have dark days still, I don't know how to fight them off completely. I'm ok with that though, because I appreciate happy moments more now too. I feel real joy in my heart & soul when our beautiful daughter laughs, climbs, babbles, learns, teaches & breathes...the grey clouds have lifted from me when I'm in those moments.

Sometimes, I get stuck in my own head though. In the quiet moments at work, or when I can't sleep at night. I over analyze everything in our life & twist it into a 'woe is me' situation.

I have a good life, a great life in many ways, but we have a lot of worries too, same as a lot of people. I wish I could focus more on the good & great parts, but I dwell on the negative regardless of my knowledge that it will only bring more negativity.

I am a believer in the power of energy. We're all just generating energy in this world, and it makes me sad when I realize the energy I am putting out...I know I'm better than that & capable of better.

As I'm typing this I'm listening to music, and Mumford & Sons 'Timshel' came on and I heard the following lyrics.

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

I had to stop writing, close my eyes and soak it up. Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough. I can't possibly be responsible for this beautiful child. I'm surely going to mess her up. Messing up is what I do, but I actually believe I'm going to do alright with this one. I'm a good Mama. I'm very defensive when people question things because I feel criticized, and I know that I'm doing things the way I want to do them. I'm doing them the way my husband & I have decided is best for our child. That feels good. It feels independent, and I don't often feel that way.

So the dark moments sometimes still take over in little ways, but I'm trying to be proud of how far I've come lately. Being back to work, is in some ways much harder than I expected, and in others much easier. Being a mom to a toddler is an adjustment, but I love it.

I feel like I've been broken for a very very long time, and I'm trying to slowly get back to being deep down inside happy.

Free

Loving this life

Singing, Dancing

Free

The songwriter

Writes

Composes

Loves

His soul soars

Free again

At home

His happy tones

Make my day

Brighten my world

Give me hope

Knowing he's back

Challenges me

To be better

To strive for more

The songwriter was silent

but

That's no longer so

Loving this life

Singing, Dancing

Free

Free

Free

* I wrote this poem about my best friend Robbie, who at 27 was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. He has suffered a lot while trying to get himself on the right medication to be functional again. I'm so proud of him every single day.

Angry

Sitting, staring at a blank 'page'

Wondering if the words will flow from my fingers

Like tears down my face

So much hurt inside

Angry with the world

but more with myself

Bad choices

Wrong turns

To err is human

but how much is too much

Angry

So angry

Feeling like everything is beyond me

Beyond my control

Beyond my thoughts

Beyond my control

Wanting to change it

Wanting to be happy

I spend so much time wanting

Wanting

Wanting & being angry

So angry

Those were the days

I remember the days

Lost in conversation with you

Sitting side by side

Only inches between us

Trying to keep it from others

hush hush

Knowing they'd all figure it out eventually

Darkness turning to light

Birds singing their songs

Sun rises and cool breezes

Those were the days my love

Those were the days

I miss them at times

The carefree fun

Discovering the unknown about each other

When times were simpler

Today life is different

More complete

More fulfilling

There's no wonder about love

It's a given now

So safe, so secure

My Forever Love

He Fights

Dark clouds circle

Like they always have

She feels the storm

It's in the air

It's in her soul

She could let it come

Let it swallow her

Let herself drown in it

Instead she'll swim

against the current

of the storm brought

flood waters

She sees that never again

will she be alone

He fights with her

Beside her & for her

Their life is worth it

She loves him for

fighting for her

but more because

he made her

fight for herself

Out of Control

I feel like things are out of my control. I don't want to go back to work. Plain & simple. I don't mind working Saturdays, because Katie is home with her Daddy. I do not want to pay someone else to spend their day with my child. PAY SOMEONE?! What? I understand that it's a profession, but the idea of needing to pay someone to spend their day with my wonderful girl, just seems asinine. I want to stay home & spend my days with her. I want to teach her things, and be the one she looks at with excitement when she has learned something new. I want to be the one she gives middle of the day hugs to. The one she snuggles with after her morning nap. How will I be able to go to work every single day, and deal with the ache in my heart from not being with her?

I know mothers go back to work every day. They leave their babies with competent people who care for & love their children, but I just don't know how I'm going to do it. It's swallowing me up. I feel panic set in as I even think about looking for a daycare. There's not going to be anyone good enough, that's just the bottom line. I am her Mama, she needs me & frankly, I need her.

Also, I just feel like my life is out of my control. Financially, we're just barely keeping our head above water, thanks to my amazing hubby being grossly underpaid at the job he held for 5 years, and my being on Maternity Leave since last May. It's overwhelming. I feel like some days it's swallowing me up. I get lost in the frustration & hopelessness. On my stronger days I feel like good things are just around the corner for us. I hope I'm right.

Then there's my weight. I am utterly disgusted with myself. I know that this is something within my control. I get that. I get that I am responsible for this body. I get that I have eaten my way to this. I have complete grasp of that. What I'm having a really hard time with, is the why. I don't understand why I can't get control of it. Why do I chose the chocolate bar over an apple? I know the pros & cons of both, why as an intelligent adult do I continue to make the wrong choice?

Food has been my 'friend' when I had no one else. It has been there through every up & down of my life. Every lonely depressed day I spent as a kid pretending that I wasn't picked on in school, another cookie...sure...why not? Every fight with my Mom, I wanted to eat because I just felt like I was never going to be enough anyhow. I guess I still feel that way.

I seclude myself and eat, because what if people don't like me? I talk a lot, I can be loud, I'm fat, why would anyone ever like me? I guess in my head, I'll always be the fat kid who got picked on in math class. So, for me, it's just easier to stay home & eat...I don't know how to change that.

Sunday Rambling

I feel the need to write, but I don't have a topic or anything at all spinning around in my head, except that my fingers need to be clicking & clacking on the keyboard right now. I need to write.

It's Sunday morning. I'm home alone with Katie, this is a first. Jeff is gone to get training for his new job that starts a week from tomorrow. I'm, no, we're hoping that this job opens up doors for us. That it makes life easier for us. We both fully expect him to have to work harder & sacrifice a bit more, but for now that's how it has to be.

Yesterday, I worked my third Saturday. I'm working on Saturdays to help us out financially as well. I don't mind being there really, and it gives Katie some one on one Daddy time. I wish I could only work Saturdays from now on, but the days are ticking away until I'm back full time.

I sent Jeff a job posting in Fredericton last night. I want him to apply, I don't know why, but I feel like a change is needed. I feel like things in Moncton aren't going to get better, I don't know why I feel that but I really do. I feel like our life here is stagnant. Something needs to change.

I know we have a lot of responsibility now with being parents, but that doesn't mean life should be dull. I feel like it should be the very opposite. I don't want Katie to have a boring life, where she's afraid to try new things, or where she wants to stay in all the time doing nothing. I want to shake life up. Grab it by the horns, and just have fun.

I wish I could find the will power & mentally have it 'click' for us to get healthy. I am tired of being fat. I really am, but I just can't seem to get it to click. I want to be healthy, for me, for Jeff but most of all for Katie. I want her to be able to follow my lead. I want her to know that eating healthy & exercising is what we need to do for our bodies, but how will she ever believe me when I chow down on chips & chocolate & drink pop...oh..but it's diet...like that matters.

I want to be better than I am. I want to have a better job, a real job actually. I want to be better at saving money, any would be a good start. I want to stop being a potty mouth. I want to be healthy & active.

I'm so full of excuses for everything. It's sometimes exhausting being such a procrastinator. I'm the Queen of 'yeah, I'll do it in a minute'. I need to stop that, and just do whatever it is I'm 'postponing'.

I think the thing that bugs me the most is that I'm all talk, no action. I never follow through, ever. That's kind of depressing, but today it's going to get a bit better. I have company coming over this week. My apartment needs to be cleaned, and I'm going to go above & beyond today. This apartment will be shining when I'm done. Maybe tomorrow, I'll make another decision that I otherwise wouldn't. Baby steps.

Being Paula

Lately I've been thinking about who I see myself as, and who I think I can become. I've been off work for 9 months, and I've loved every single minute of it. I don't know if it's simply because I'm lazy or what, but being off work is the greatest thing ever!! I mean, I work, every single day I'm Mama, but I get to work with my favourite person, so even my bad days are guaranteed a moment of pure happy.

The idea of going back to work terrifies & sickens me. Just typing those words now has brought tears to my eyes. Leaving my girl, my dooders, my tootsie, my baby...my baby...every single day with someone else, it tears at my heart. I feel like in that moment everything changes. I'm no longer the person she spends most of her time with. Who ever we choose to care for our girl gets to spend all that time with her. The time where I get the best giggles, smiles & snuggles. I miss her already.

I've been trying to figure out ways for me not to have to return to work, but that's not an option for us unfortunately. We, like so many others, are a 2 income family. It makes me so jealous of the people who get to be home with their babes. I'm going to stay positive though, and hope that some day we'll find a way.

I'm trying to figure out if I want to go back to my job or if I want to go a different route. I'm not sure what the right choice is. My job has some great perks, but it has some major faults as well. I, sometimes, think about going back to school. I'd love that so much! I'd love to find a 'real' job. I work in a dying industry now, so I feel like the clock is ticking on my job.

There are days too, where I think about writing. I'd love to find a way to free myself enough to write, really, honestly & truly write. I feel deep down that that day will come for me. I am meant to write, it's a part of my soul, my essence, this is something I know for sure.

I guess, in all this thinking I've been doing, I'm realizing that I'm starting to morph into 'Katie's Mama', and I feel less like 'Paula'. I'm losing that weird hippie chick. I'm no longer current on news, or music, or anything.

I plan to spend some time over my next 3 months off, and try to focus on still being the weird hippie chick. The girl Jeff fell in love with. The girl I'm in love with.

so many changes

Here we are 8 days into a new year, I can't believe how much has changed in the last 365 days.

The amount of love in our home has multiplied exponentially & immeasurably. One word says it all for me 'Katie'. I am so incredibly in love with her. She is this little spunky ball of fire. She's so curious, clever & determined. I am in awe. If she wants it, she will do or have it. Seriously, there is no happier moment in my day than when while getting her hair rinsed in the tub she starts kicking & splashing so much that the entire bathroom is water splattered. I love it! Or her amazement with our cell phones, it's compulsive, frustrating & adorable. She is my favourite person, plain & simple.

Then there is the love between this amazing man & I. He has held me so many times over the last year as we heard a first heartbeat, waited for a first cry, after we heard a first laugh, as I've cried and after I've laughed. He has nursed me back to health a few too many times over the last year. He has tended to my absolute every single need. He is beyond amazing to me. I'm so lucky to have him. More than that, WE are lucky to have him.

Watching them together makes me feel like nothing can touch us. That is pure love & nothing else matters. Seeing how caring he is with our baby girl is so endearing.

I've come to realize that I don't need a lot of things anymore. I have all I need in my life with this amazing man & our little spunky ball of fire.