Christmas on autopilot

I'm having a hard time finding my Christmas spirit this year. In fact, I have none at all. There is not one bit of merriment in my heart, no feelings of happiness & that whimsical feeling from tree lights glowing. None of it exists. I've been trying so hard to figure out what's missing. Why am I feeling so down about Christmas this year? I think I've figured it out.

My family is about to experience a very bittersweet holiday. One that we know will be our last with my father's sister. How are the holidays supposed to be happy when I know next year she won't be here with us? How? I'm so sad & I don't know how I'm supposed to soak up this time happily. I understand that we're lucky to have this Christmas together; people say that they wish they would know if an event was going to be the last time together but really - it doesn't help anything, I promise you that.

My Sister in law hates me, she's the person who called the police on me in August so it's a mutual thing but because she hates me, she makes it really hard to see my nephew. Katie loves him so much & she keeps asking if he'll be here for Christmas because he's our family & I have to keep explaining that he'll probably be spending Christmas with his other family that day. She doesn't seem to quite get why he won't be here & I don't have words to fix it. It's breaking my heart more than I can even explain.

And well, Christmas is missing someone very important to our family on Jeff's side this year. His cousin Colleen passed away this year, she was a major part of our Christmas traditions and our lives. After Jeff's mom passed away, Colleen swooped in & made sure that we always had some of his family close. She made us feel so loved, she was crazy about Katie & last year, because I was sick, I didn't get to see her at Christmas.

You hear all over about how Christmas isn't about the gifts, it's about spending time with the ones you love,...I guess that's the biggest part of the problem...

I feel like I'm on autopilot, I'm just buying the gifts because it's what I do, I'll wrap the gifts because it's what I do. I'll be happy for Katie when she opens her gifts, but otherwise I'm kind of looking forward to January 1st..

The Right People.

I just saw this on Facebook & it summed up perfectly how I've been feeling the last few weeks. I miss my Right People, I don't have many of them around anymore. Why are Montreal & Calgary so far away?

On a regular basis I am with other mothers - they're a great bunch of women who outside of our children I have nothing in common with. I'm not like the other playgroup moms, I know that, I feel it, it hangs over me like a surprisingly heavy curtain. It's my reminder that although we get along when we are together for the sake of our children, I'm not ever going to be one of them. None of these women would ever do anything to make me feel out of place & I don't want it to ever seem like they have but I'm a realist, I'm not naive to my surroundings.

I guess part of being the very liberal, tattooed, Atheist, hippie mom who says fuck a lot is accepting that you aren't always going to easily find your 'Right People'. Some days that is a much easier pill to swallow than others.

I don't know how to find people who are like me, I mean, honestly I don't think a lot of people are actually like me, I'm a bit of a one off. People who love me just get me, they not only know but expect me to be passionate, loud, quirky, goofy, stubborn, potty-mouthed, loving, compassionate combined with a slew of other equally wonderful & potentially loathsome characteristics.

I miss the comfort of just laying my honest truth on someone & knowing they aren't going to judge me no matter what I say. I miss laughing so hard (over the simplest thing) that my face hurts, my stomach is cramped & we've both snort laughed. I miss being out & about with a friend who I can give that sideways 'did you see/hear/smell that' look to & then see how long we can hold in the laughter when we get on the same page. Truthfully, I miss being the presence of a friend who can tell me that I'm being an unreasonable asshole & know that it's coming from a place of love.

You may learn in school that Canada is 9.9 million sq. kms or simply that it's the second largest in the world but you can't understand the greatness of that until your Right People are spread out along those kilometers. 

Believe me when I say, Canada is a huge country & I miss my Right People.