grey clouds

I'm a new mom, and along with being a new mom I was an overwhelmed mom who was & still is suffering from mild postpartum depression. For the last few weeks I've had a grey cloud over my head everywhere I went. I mean I felt happiness & loved my girl with all her smiles, giggles & accomplishments, but there was a grey cloud that made it hard to be deep down happy.

More than a few times in the last few weeks I have felt like I was going crazy, but didn't talk about it. I felt like I was a terrible mother just going through the motions of looking after Katie's needs but that I wasn't soaking up the moments. I was filling in the time but I wasn't present at all. I didn't feel in all honesty like I was doing that great of a job with her. Here she is, this BEAUTIFUL & AMAZING child , but the grey cloud dominated my thoughts. It was a dark place. Darker than anyone knew I was in, which I'm angry at myself for because I promised everyone I'd talk to them if this happened.

The thoughts that go through the mind of a woman suffering postpartum depression are surprising & scary, also, when they are your own thoughts they are embarrassing & shameful. You don't want to talk to anyone for fear of people thinking you are a horrible human being, a terrible, unfit mother who doesn't deserve such a precious gem of a child. I don't plan on talking about the thoughts that I have had, but they scared me & often I had to remind myself how strong I am & that I will get through the moment. Reminding myself of that giggling girl was often the only thing that got me through them. I am so grateful for her.

Yesterday I had the lowest day I have had yet. The little grey cloud was huge. I spent 3/4 of the day crying. I thought many times that Katie might be off better without me, without this crazy woman as her mother. I thought she'd be better off without me around to screw up her precious life. I thought Jeff would be better off without me around to screw up his life, like everyone & everything would be better without me. Then reality hit me, I looked at this little bundle of mine, this rosy cheeked, bright eyed treasure, this gift I never thought I'd have & realized that I was wrong. She needs me, she loves me, Jeff loves me & needs me. I also realized that I am a good Mom. I love Katie with all that I am & all that I have. She is my world & for the rest of my life she will know that.

I'm happy to say today the grey cloud has lifted...blue skies are all I see...I'm not expecting blue skies everyday, but I also don't ever expect total cloud cover either.

I'm back....and I have to say it feels good because I really missed me.

Respect

Why do some people think that respect is something that is automatic? I don't understand that whatsoever. There are people in my life & the lives of my family members that are some of the most disrespectful & unrespectable people I have ever met.

I don't tolerate this very well. I am angry at the lack of respect shown to a certain member of my family, one I love very much. The person showing them this disrespect, in my opinion, is not a good person at the core of their being. I think they are petty, sad & pitiful. More than hating this person, I feel extreme pity toward them . It must be sad & hard to live a life where you are so inherently unhappy that you can be so disrespectful of other people. A life where people only pretend to like you but when you aren't around they talk about the immense amount of faults you have & how you need to get help for them.

I am angry at the disrespect this person has shown me in my journey with them. I have given more chances than ever earned or deserved but I am now done. There are no more chances... after the 10th or 11th I tend to wear out.

I don't think I have it in me to play fake nice anymore and honestly, I have no reason to play fake nice. What's the point of it? Let's pretend to like each other because we have a person in common? No, I don't think so...not anymore. You don't like me, I'm very much aware of this, and I know you know that I don't like you, so let's not pretend anymore.

I also don't understand how people think they are better or smarter than someone else only because they have a University education. As far as I'm concerned, you can go to University for 15 years, it doesn't make you any smarter or better than joe blow who has worked his whole life. So, throwing that in someone's face only proves that you have no idea of how the real world works. Life experience, common sense & how you treat others counts for one hell of a lot more than a University diploma on the wall.

In case it isn't quite clear, I'm angry & I'm hurt for this family member, they deserve better than this. I just wish they really realized it & would walk away. My heart breaks for the life they could have without this person....a life of drama free happiness....what a concept!

Pure Love

You came into my life

When I needed you most

I didn’t know I needed you

Or how much I really wanted you

Until you were there

Now there are no days without you

Happiness exudes

When you smile

My world is right

When I look into your eyes

My soul is complete

There is nothing but love

For you…pure love

Music

I, like most people, am a lover of music. I don't really have a single genre of music that makes me feel the most at ease or happy, I love different things for different moods.

I love to dance, so pop music with a great beat & catchy repetitive easy lyrics appeal to me. So many pop songs have a great memory attached to them for me, whether the songs are great or not is definitely up for debate however. I'm not someone who would ever argue that pop music is an art form by any means. I just like how much it makes me want to move & for me that's what it is good for. I think it's unfortunate though, in this day & age, anyone who can sing slightly in tune & has a pretty face can become a pop singer with finely tuned background tracks & digital effects.

I, also, will own up to loving country music. Not so much any newer artists, but 90's country has a place in my heart forever. I love me some Garth Brooks!! Be still my heart! I know, I know...I should be hanging my head in shame for that statement, but I can't help it. Garth Brooks is my favourite singer and he has been since I was 14. I grew up loving all things 90's country, because of my adoration of Garth, so I have a lot of memories tied to it. Right or wrong, it is what it is.

My real joy in music is finding a new to me artist who isn't widely popular. I'm a real sucker for the singer/songwriter types. I love Shawn Mullins, Amos Lee, Serena Ryder and now Ray LaMontagne. People the average person may not be listening to. I love hearing a great singer tell a story in the form of a song. It brings me pure unadulterated joy. One of my favourite songs is by Shawn Mullins, "Twin Rocks, Oregon", when I hear it I more often than not close my eyes & sing along off key at the top of my lungs. It brings me a sense of happy that cannot even be explained.

I don't know how I'd get through my life without music. It has helped me to get through so many things. As someone who loves to write, I usually have to have music playing while I do so. The silence is daunting & non-inspiring, whereas music opens my heart & soul, it allows the words to flow, the feelings to come to the surface & the reality of my emotions to be expressed.

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. ~Berthold Auerbach

Fear

Fear is a terrible thing. I know everyone has some sort of fear in their lives, but I'm fairly certain that I am afraid of more things than the average person. I tend to be a bit irrational when it comes to being afraid.

I am afraid first & foremost of sharks. The idea of sharks sends a bit of a shiver up my spine. I don't watch anything, including commercials with sharks. They terrify me, and this is where I get irrational, I'm also afraid of cruise ships because in part of my fear of sharks. I have this extremely hypothetical & extremely unlikely scenario in my head that if I were to ever be on a cruise ship it could sink, and maybe there wouldn't be enough life boats and I'd then be in the water surrounded by sharks. I know logically that if these things were to actually happen, then it's really just my time to go, but I figure if I avoid cruise ships altogether it lessens my chances.

I'm afraid of driving, therefore I do not drive. This is a fear that angers me. I am an intelligent, capable woman; so why am I afraid of doing something that most people do?

I'm also afraid of the dark. The blinds on my windows are closed at night, I don't go outside by myself, I'm absolutely a big baby about it all.

I don't do scary movies & don't even think about getting me to sit through a preview for one. I close my eyes, cover my ears & Jeff tells me when it's over. Yes, I know, very mature.

I'm afraid to trust most people now too, I'm afraid to let myself be vulnerable & make new friends. I've had too many people in my life let me down, more than my fair share if you ask me. So, now I have acquaintances & a very very few real friends. This is the fear that saddens me the most & has the biggest effect on me.

My mind is my biggest enemy when it comes to fear, as it is with everyone, but in the midst of being afraid I actually think, 'there's nothing to be afraid of, it's all in your head', then I continue to be afraid.

I hope I don't pass these things on to my daughter, it isn't fun to be so afraid of everything & know that you really have no reason to feel that way. If she has fear in her life I want it to be of real things, not silly hypothetical situations & things she can very easily accomplish if she slowed her mind down a bit.


"The key to change is to let go of fear" - Roseanne Cash

I hope it's not too late for actual change

There are things in life of which I am certain, one is that a Mother's love is deeper & more intense than any other emotion ever. Words don't even do it justice. I have felt love & protectiveness that I didn't know was possible since having Katie. I miss her on weekends when Jeff gets up with her overnight & seeing her face in the morning is the happiest part of my day.

Something else I know for sure is that being a Mother is something that no one can ever prepare you for. You can read every book available, you can talk to other Mothers, you can take prenatal courses, none of it 'really' matters. When your child cries from hunger, fear or tiredness; books, other mothers & courses aren't going to help you. You learn as you go, you learn what works for you & your child. Also, nothing and no one can ever in a million years prepare you for the sleep deprivation. Everyone tells you -get your rest now, you'll need it- they mean it. I had no idea how little sleep I would actually be living on for the first weeks & months of Katie's life. Even still now she doesn't sleep through the night, so I'm tired most days. It's a huge adjustment, and other than the never ending responsibility of being a parent, its the biggest adjustment for me so far.

I realized today with an unwavering certainty that up to this point, I'm doing a good job at being Katie's Mama. I'm not one to boast or brag, and I don't even take compliments well, but I know deep down that I'm doing a good job. She is happy, she is healthy & she is loved, what more could my beautiful baby girl need??

As I'm writing this, I'm intermittently flipping to facebook to read the wonderful comments left by our friends & family for our first family pictures. It makes me so happy to finally have 'family' pictures. I never thought we'd have a child, so little things like pictures of us with her lifts my spirits & warms my heart.

Life is so good...

poems

I love writing, it's a part of who I am, it allows me to get whatever I'm feeling off my chest. I used to write a lot of poems, which is something I haven't done in a very,very long time. So, I thought I'd post some of my old poems here on my blog in hopes of getting my creative juices flowing again.

I wrote the first two about my dearest & oldest friend, Robbie, who in his late 20's was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. He's one of the strongest people I know.

Knows Me

Friends come and go in life

Few stay with you forever

I am among the lucky

With my forever friend

Another soul in this world

Knowing me inside and out

Music man, sing your song

Loudly, boldly

Free and wild

I love the music man

His music heart

His music soul

He sees in me things others don’t

I like his version better

He knows my moods

He knows my tones

He knows me

Knows me

Knows me

And

Loves me still

Free

Loving this life

Singing, dancing

Free

The songwriter

Writes

Composes

Loves

His soul soars

Free again

At home

His happy tones

Make my day

Brighten my world

Give me hope

Knowing he’s back

Challenges me

To be better

To strive for more

The songwriter

Was silent but

That’s no longer so

Loving this life

Singing, Dancing

Free

Free

Free

These two are rather self explanatory...I wrote them at a bad point in my life

Angry

Sitting, staring at a blank ‘page’

Wondering if words will flow from my fingers

Like tears down my face

So much hurt inside

Angry with the world

But more with myself

Bad choices

Wrong turns

To err is human…

But how much is too much…

Angry

So angry

Feeling like everything is beyond me

Beyond my control

Beyond my thoughts

Beyond my might

Wanting to change it

Wanting to be happy

I spend so much time wanting

Wanting

Wanting & being angry

So Angry….

Sadness

Sadness once a familiar friend

Now most days it can’t get in

Can’t break through,

My wall of happiness

Today…..

I left the gate open

In walked my familiar friend

Sit, stay, have a snack

I welcomed him in

Embraced him

Felt safe with him

Very soon he and I will dance

Round and round

To a melancholic tune

Then as he should

He’ll leave me again

Until then I remember

My dance with my familiar friend

This one is pretty long, and is just basically about how I see the world...

Peace & Love

Anger surrounds me
Frustration too so clear
Indifference, Indifference
Drowning in Indifference

Why don’t they care?
Shouldn’t they care?
I do, I do
Will you care with me?

Friend come with me
Hold my hand
We’ll walk through a field
Look at the beauty around us

Friend come with me
Hold my hand
We’ll walk through a field
Look at what we’re doing

I don’t know what to do
How do I make them see
This world is ours
We destroy it
We desert it
We abandon it

Fix yourself Mother Earth
Mother Nature….

Fight your wars
While we create our own
Peace big brother
Peace my mother
Peace little sister
Peace my father….

Peace, Peace,
Is there such a thing
Peace, Peace,
I’m scared it doesn’t exist

Indifference, Indifference
Drowning in Indifference

Don’t you care?
Come care with me…
Won’t you come and care with me?

Break down the walls
FIGHT FIGHT!!!
Fight for peace…
Fight with words
Fight with attitudes
Fight with ideas

Throw down your guns
Throw out your arms….
Love big brother
Love my Mother
Love little sister
Love my father

Peace and love
Oh peace and love

Idealistic but true
It can happen if we make it
It can happen if we allow it

Peace and love
Peace and love

My true ideals
Peace and love…

So that's it for now.....I think I after reading through a bunch of my poems I've found some inspiration to write again....

Precious Girl

As the big day draws nearer, I find I'm spending more time daydreaming about our girl. What will she look like, will she have hair, will she have my nose or my ears, maybe she'll have long eyelashes like both her Daddy & I. I picture her in my head & wonder if she is anything like I expect her to be, or if she'll look completely different and surprise me. I'm expecting a baby with big dark eyes & a head full of dark hair, but who knows, maybe she'll have red hair & blue eyes, it's not impossible with our genes.

I also spend a lot of time wondering about how I'll be as a first time mother. Will I have the patience I need, the ability to know how to soothe her & take care of her?? It's all so overwhelming & wonderfully exciting.

I'm now 9 months pregnant, 36 wks....so any day now our girl could show up. I'm so looking forward to just laying my eyes on her & knowing that she's ours. She is our daughter, our new purpose in life will be to ensure her happiness & safety, and I cannot wait for this journey to begin.

Right now I'm sitting in my chair with my feet up as the Doctor instructed, I have our balcony door open, Muffin is laying by the door, my little princess is moving around in my tummy, and the tears of pure happiness are streaming down my face. I don't know what I did in life to deserve such happiness, but I am grateful for it.

Many people have asked me if I'm afraid of giving birth, and maybe I'm naive to say no, but I'm not afraid of the act of giving birth at all really. I'm more afraid of raising a child, of being responsible for someone other than myself, of being her everything for the first years of her precious life, but somehow, I know I'm capable of doing a good job of it. I don't know what makes me believe that I can do this & do it well, but I just know that I can.

Less than 4 weeks until my due date....I can't wait to meet you precious girl....your Mama loves you!

Lots of changes

It has been almost 9 mths since I've written anything on my blog at all, and I think it's definitely time for an update.

My life has changed so much & will soon change so much more.

We found out on Tuesday October 6, 2009, our 3rd wedding anniversary, that we are going to be parents. It was & still is the most shocking & overwhelming news I have ever heard in my life. I knew that I was extremely tired but thought it was just that my B12 was low, so I had blood work done. My Dr's office called me a few days later & asked me to come in that day. I was sure there was something seriously wrong with me, but instead my Dr told me that I'm pregnant. What a shock that was for both Jeff & I.

It's incredibly hard to believe that October 6th was almost 6 months ago and that we soon will have a beautiful baby girl.

Another change for us is that we have to move out of the apartment we've called home for almost 5 years. We live in an adult only building, so we are being forced out. At first I was really upset about it, as was Jeff, but the more we go through our things & look around our apartment, we can't wait to move.

A new home, with a new baby seems right. This home was ours as childless couple, but our new apartment will be our first family home. It's nicer, bigger & feels like it will be a perfect fit for our little family.

Pregnancy is something that I honestly never thought I'd have the joy of experiencing. I had resigned myself to the fact that it was going to be Jeff & I, with Muffin, forever. I was really okay with that to be honest, only because I wouldn't let myself think about what I was missing. I didn't think my body 'worked', so I didn't think this joy would fall upon us. I have never been so happy to be wrong about something in my life. Pregnancy so far, for me, has been relatively easy. Sure, I'm tired, my back aches every now & again, and I had a bout or two of nausea if I let myself get too hungry, but I didn't have a moment of morning sickness that so many woman experience, I haven't had any blood pressure issues, and I had my glucose test 2 wks ago & haven't heard back from the Dr's office, so I'm feeling pretty good about that.

I have 8wks of work left, including this upcoming week, and I have 10 weeks & 6 days until our due date. Time is flying by, but I'm trying my best to absorb all the little moments. I'm doing a half assed job of keeping a journal for our princess, but I figure I'll continue on with it after she's born anyhow, so it's not just for my pregnancy, it's going to be about her childhood.

I'm really happy with my life right now. I am married to a wonderful, compassionate, caring, funny man, who makes me feel like I can do & be anything in this life of mine. He reassures me that I am going to be a good mother when I display such fervent doubt in my abilities. He reminds me that I am my own person who will make my own decisions on how to mother our daughter, and that I am not what I think I am, or who I think I'll turn out to be. I love him so fiercely & am so innately proud that he is not only a part of my life, but my partner in life. He is going to be such an amazing father. He displays such a genuine protective & loving nature that there is no way for him to fail at his new upcoming job.

The countdown is on....34 days until we move....76 days until our due date....I can't wait for the next part of our lives to begin!!