Kiss my...

I was told today essentially that my wallowing in self-pity & not bettering my chances at a good career through a  university education are the reason things aren't exactly as I want them on life.

It really pissed me off & hurt me.

I have always realized that my life is as it is because of the decisions I've made in life.

Sometimes, though you make decisions that suck for the short term but the long term benefits are what matter.

Miramichi is a prime example of that. Right now, it sucks hard core! Long term, life will be good. So, my complaining about not finding a job wouldn't be resolved by moving to another town to find work, as suggested.

I removed this person from my Facebook after an argument that also was very much differing points of views but I felt it got personal. I then received an inbox message where she ranted on about my life decisions holding me back. I had a lengthy reply typed up, I was about to hit send when I realized it was pointless. I deleted my reply & let this person know that what they think of me doesn't matter & they could kiss my ever shrinking ass. Send.

I have never had a time when I really didn't care what another person thought of me. I wouldn't want anyone to stay mad at me, so I generally apologize immediately. Today, it's different. I'm me. Take it or leave it. I whine, bitch & moan but I also thank the Universe daily for the gifts I have. I know who I am better than anyone else & I'm ok with her.

Sloth-like

Losing weight is something I never saw myself doing again. I was so big, I didn't think it was possible to get healthy again. I'm glad I was wrong.

I'm doing it now. Jeff & I are doing it together but at the same time we're doing it very independently. He has his battle, I have mine, but we're there for each other.

We keep each other in line but try not to be hawk eyeing each other. He works out a lot more & harder than I do. I am sloth-like in my laziness some days. No joke, if I didn't have to move, I often wouldn't. Even though I'm lazy I move because my body needs it & it does feel good to give it that fuel. It is a challenge for me but I'm working at it.

Tonight though, after Katie went to bed, we both worked out in the living room. We did it because our bodies deserve it. Do I hurt, friggin right I do! It feels great to know I earned it!

I'm promising myself that I'll workout in some way every day, even if it's only 20 minutes. It's 20 I didn't spend sloth-like....

Well shit!

I start work in about 3 weeks. I am freaking the Feck out!

Does it matter that it's a call center? I don't know. It's not the job I want, I mean, I REALLY don't want it but I will go & do my best.  I can't half-ass it. There's no point in that & I'm too old for shenanigans.

I need to find daycare still. I'm stalling. I stalled when I put her in daycare before & we ended up stuck. I just get so panicky at the idea of looking for full-time care for her. I don't like it at all. My girl & I, apart for 5 days a week. It goes against all my sensibilities. She is such an essential part of me. Tears are streaming down my face just from writing that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm eager for co-workers. Adult conversation! I need to brush up on un-poop related topics!

Depression dances around me...I am very aware of how I feel, though. I am not willing to sink again. I just wish I could get this over with so I know what I'm dealing with. What kind of people, schedule, energy....so many unknowns.

I'm nervous. Like a kid on their first day of school. What if the other kids don't like me? What if the the kids from my past make it uncomfortable to be there again.

So much self-doubt. It's foolish, I know I can do the job. I have before. I just doubt my ability to return to work.

When I really left the work force, I was a mess. How do I know that I won't fall apart again? I have to put so much trust in my own strength & ability. I'm scared of failing.

What if I can't do it? My family will worry about me....and I just realized that I'm living in the future....well shit....

Ok...deep breathes, some sleep *fingers crossed* & get on daycare tomorrow.

3574 days

She loved a boyish man
With Irish feist

Life changed
Blink
Blink

Neither of them
The same again

Fighting
Everything
Everyone
Every day

3574 days
Fighting
For each other

He changed
She changed too
Life ebbed & flowed

Most days it flows
A glorious gift
Smiles, giggles
Another snack, please

Strength
Love
Bountiful laughter
We've got this

Sunday ramblings

It amazes me how quickly I can go from feeling like the average 34 yr old to feeling like I'm 12 again.

Tomorrow, my father leaves for Moncton for the first of four weeks of daily radiation. I'm missing him already.  To top it off, my mother is going with him tomorrow, for the week. I miss her already, too.

The idea of both my parents being away makes me feel surprisingly insecure. I lived away from them for eight years. The exact distance that they'll be from me while they're away, yet it feels impossible to me that I'll survive a week without them.

Over the last 11 months, since moving home, they've been such a support system for me. It makes me uneasy to think that I'll be without them.  I'm so used to talking to at least one, if not both of them daily. It'll be weird to not be able to do that.

Then there's the whole issue that my Daddy is going to Moncton for radiation. I had been putting this out of my mind. I don't like thinking about the reality of it. 

It still makes me angry that he has to deal with that at all.  I worry about him, too.

This whole situation stinks.

Fuck you, cancer.

Crashing wave

I woke up this morning a bit grumpy, as I honestly do most mornings. I don't wake up on my accord ever anymore. Katie had a rough sleep night, she was making noise at 5, then was in our room at 6. My real sleep is over then but instead of getting out of bed, she watches a show on my tablet sitting on a pillow on the floor until it's time to get up.

I shook off my grumpies though & stepped on the scale to such a great surprise, I'm down 50lbs. I was down 52lbs a few weeks ago but I also hadn't eaten more than a few bites in 4 days, I lost 12lbs in those 4 days. I knew the weight was going to come back and 9lbs of it did. It's gone now though & I have been eating, so I'm really proud of myself.

I was riding this wave but it has crashed, I have crashed. I feel like my surf board has tossed me off, I'm in the water with all these creatures picking & nipping at me. I just can't shake them.

It has been over four weeks since I've had any income at all. Four long, arduous weeks of stress filled days & trying to send out my affirmations to the Universe. I don't know if I can be stressed & have positive thinking still work. I'm not sure how that all goes, but I do know that I've been trying. Goodness knows, I've been trying.

I think I'm all tried out...I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now & it's overwhelming.  I'm all out of give a fucks...I've been giving a fuck & nothing is getting better.

I feel like the Universe is testing me... I got a job...YAY! oh wait, it's minimum wage..meh, but ok! No start date...meh, but ok, I'm sure it'll be soon!!...oh wait, April 8th.....seriously, Universe?? SERIOUSLY!!!

I'm fed up & frustrated. The stress other people are telling me about in their lives is piling up on me too. I try to be a good mother, wife, daughter, sister & friend...I try...but I feel like I'm failing in most aspects right now. I want to lock myself in a room away from the reality of life. It's hard & I'm underwhelmed by the future...having faith in anything is hard...having faith in myself & my abilities is the hardest....I dont feel like I can handle things right now....I just can't take anymore bad news & it feels like there is some on the cusp of our lives now. Nothing that directly affects me physically, but family members. I worry for them & it's wearing me out.

I guess today has turned into an anxiety filled day of weakness & mine are blinding me from seeing anything else.