Sometimes, I feel like the words are stuck inside of me trying to get
out but I can't figure out how to lay them in the right order. I feel
like a bricklayer, I know the usual pattern to get the job done, but
sometimes I can't do it. Sometimes, I have too many thoughts to be able
to lay them out coherently. I'm trying rather unsuccessfully to do that
now.
Panic has set in - 3 days until I start work. This
means only 3 more days of mid-day snuggles & sticky kisses. Only 3
more days of hearing her giddy laughter over something silly Mickey did.
The whole thing is bittersweet.
I thrive
on routine. I function best when I know what to expect, although I love
to be challenged. Right now, I have no idea what to expect. It's
freaking me out.
Why am I already expecting the worst? I
expect it to be awful. I guess because I know the job & it is awful.
I know some people who still work there that I think are mean just for
the sake of being mean, and I don't really want to deal with them
again.
Everything is changing & I'm just plain scared. I'm sad, too.
I know that change can be a very good thing. Change can be a fantastic
thing, I just don't know how this change possibly can be anything but
awful with only one exception.
Katie started daycare this week. She's loves it & that makes
me so happy! I'm not meant to be a SAHM, I realized that as the year
& a bit that I've been home with her went on. She needs to have fun
& be wild like the 2yr old she is. I'm kinda boring & cranky.
She asks the kids at daycare to play with her now, instead of me &
it's great! She has kids to play with now!! That makes it worthwhile.
I hate that this job is so very much everything I hate about
jobs. It is minimum wage, it's a call center, it's a job I've had before
& hated, it's a cess pool of negativity & I'm afraid to get
sucked under. Although, I'm doing a pretty good job being super negative
on my own right now..
I'd just like to crawl in a hole & stay there until a good
job appears, money is flowing a bit more & all this anxiousness
& irritability inside me is gone. Seems highly unlikely to happen, though....bummer.
