The idea of going back to work terrifies & sickens me. Just typing those words now has brought tears to my eyes. Leaving my girl, my dooders, my tootsie, my baby...my baby...every single day with someone else, it tears at my heart. I feel like in that moment everything changes. I'm no longer the person she spends most of her time with. Who ever we choose to care for our girl gets to spend all that time with her. The time where I get the best giggles, smiles & snuggles. I miss her already.
I've been trying to figure out ways for me not to have to return to work, but that's not an option for us unfortunately. We, like so many others, are a 2 income family. It makes me so jealous of the people who get to be home with their babes. I'm going to stay positive though, and hope that some day we'll find a way.
I'm trying to figure out if I want to go back to my job or if I want to go a different route. I'm not sure what the right choice is. My job has some great perks, but it has some major faults as well. I, sometimes, think about going back to school. I'd love that so much! I'd love to find a 'real' job. I work in a dying industry now, so I feel like the clock is ticking on my job.
There are days too, where I think about writing. I'd love to find a way to free myself enough to write, really, honestly & truly write. I feel deep down that that day will come for me. I am meant to write, it's a part of my soul, my essence, this is something I know for sure.
I guess, in all this thinking I've been doing, I'm realizing that I'm starting to morph into 'Katie's Mama', and I feel less like 'Paula'. I'm losing that weird hippie chick. I'm no longer current on news, or music, or anything.
I plan to spend some time over my next 3 months off, and try to focus on still being the weird hippie chick. The girl Jeff fell in love with. The girl I'm in love with.
