Struggles & Pink Hair

Some days, I still struggle.  Some days, I still feel down. Some days, I feel unsettled. This week, I've been experiencing all of this.  I don't know why.  I just know that it will pass.  I just have to work hard to get myself out of it.  These feelings don't scare me anymore.  They used to shame me. I felt less than, because I have this amazing daughter, I mean really, she's a superstar, well, she's my superstar.  I have such a wonderful husband & father in my life.

Why was I falling apart? Why?

I found out why.  Everyone has a breaking point.  Everyone.  When you get to your breaking point, you start having panic attacks.  You see non-threatening things as being threatening.  Your 'fight or flight' instincts kick in, but because there is no threat, you have a panic attack.  Finding out this information has made me realize that I can & absolutely will get better.

I'm still anxious every single day.  Every single time we leave the apartment to go to an appointment, to get groceries, or simply to my parents' house, I get anxious. It feels so silly when you write it down.  My parents house.  The house that I grew up in, I lived there until I was 24, it was my home.  Why would I ever be anxious? What a wacky disorder to have.

Despite my anxiety, I am so much happier being my true self now.  I have pink hair.  I have (sorry mom & dad) mother fucking pink hair!!!! Can you stinking believe it?! SO fun!!! I spent so much time in my life worrying about what people would think of me.  Will they like me, they probably think I'm a bitch, I need to cover up my fat body because it may offend them, I need to look the role of a mom.  All things I've thought.  All things I still struggle with.

 My internal dialogue is pretty rough some days, but I know that it's wrong.  I'm not the person I expect other people to think I am.  Also, that's pretty bold of me, to think I know what people think.  Seriously, why do I think these people two flying frigs about me? Frig, I just realized how ridiculous it all is.  I'm a fat chick, who doesn't want to spend one more summer entirely in jeans.  Like it or lump it.  Also, you may see a variety of shades in my hair over the next few months, possibly an eyebrow piercing & a new tattoo.  Just saying that I'm working on doing the things that feel like me...it's pretty dang liberating to be frank.

Revelations

This week has brought upon me, many realizations & revelations.  The greatest of these is how at peace my soul is now.  My heart is happy.  I feel at ease.  I feel so loved. I'm home.

I'm 33 years old.  I'm a Stay-at-home Mom, right now, to incredible, amazing, funny, sweet, inquisitive, spunky, almost 2, Katie Lou.  I'm wife to such an incredible man. Katie & I are so lucky to have Jeff. He loves us like a real man should. He's proud of his family & we're proud of him.  I have parents who really would give us the shirts off their backs if we even suggested that we needed them.  They love the 3 of us so fiercely that I can't even begin to explain to them how thankful we are.  I appreciate my parents so much more after being home this last month, than I ever have in all my 33 years.  

I have a brother who is my best friend.  He really is.  There are 10.5 years between Scott & I, yet, we're equal in our relationship.  We went from protective big brother, to being protective of each other. I love that we both know that if one of us needs the other, there is no time of day that we aren't there for one another. We also call each other on our shit. If I'm being an idiot, he tells me, if he's being stupid, I tell him.  It has to be that way to be in an adult sibling relationship. No matter what though, after being angry or upset with each other, we always, always know that we love each other.  He's my best friend.

I also just realized this week, how much I love & need my Mom.  I don't have the words to tell her when I talk to her.  So, I know she will read this at some point. Mom, I love you.  I love our time together. I love watching you with Katie. I love you. I love you. I love you.  PS...I'm sorry I'm so bitchy sometimes, it's a work in progress for me too....

I feel inner strength in Miramichi that I have been lacking for quite some time.  I feel like I can fight my anxiety here.  I feel anxious most times I go out still, but the difference here is that I still go out. I didn't do that in Moncton, but here, at home, I feel like I have more support. I mean, I got my permit. I still haven't driven, but just having the piece of plastic in my wallet is a huge leap for me.

I feel more confident now that we've returned to Miramichi as well.  I do my hair, put on make-up, try to accessorize so that I can look good when I'm out. With that said, I have a new if you don't like me, don't look at me, attitude! I've decided that my tree trunk legs & flabby arms are mine to accept & love.  I need to embrace my body as it is, and realize that I'm really okay as I am.  I plan to wear capris, tank tops, skirts & I'm even planning on getting brave & buying a bathing suit.  I'm going to make the conscious decision to not care what other people think about me.

I'm going to be outside this summer.  I'm going to be active, sweaty & happy.  I'm going to run around with our Katie. I'm going to dig in the dirt with her. I'm going to enjoy our time together.

I'm happy to feel so happy.  I'm happy to be able to realize the wonderful opportunities that are being given to us.  I'm just so grateful. 

Gratitude

Gratitude.

One word sums up much of what I've been feeling lately.

I whined & complained when life was serving us plenty of things that made each day so difficult that getting up in the morning became a chore.  So, now that I have so much happiness & goodness in my life, I want to shout from the rooftops how grateful I am.

Just thinking about how lucky we are brings tears to my eyes.  Happy tears.  They flow so much more now than the tears of frustration & sadness.

I have 2 amazing parents.  I have loved them always but now appreciate them so much more than I ever have in my life.  They are such incredible grandparents to sweet Katie Lou. She loves her Grammy & Poppy SO much! It fills up my happy meter when I see them do stuff with her. To see the pure, genuine happiness she brings them is a gift to me.  To hear the honest, uncontrolled laughter that she brings out of them. Grateful.

To be surrounded by family again, is amazing.  I had become so detached. I had forgotten how much I love my extended family.  Seeing family, having them finally meet Katie, it's amazing.  They are going to get to know our little Dood.  This is not something I expected to have for her. In my opinion, this is a huge gift for her.  I cannot imagine growing up away from my extended family.  I have so many cousins, not really knowing them is an absurd thought for me.

I also am getting my head around losing weight for real.  Every day I try to something better than the day before. I'm starting to come to terms with the reality of me being 33, morbidly obese, family history of heart problems & I have an almost 2yr old.  I have to change, for Katie, for Jeff & for myself.

It's still odd to me that a dying city where youth leave because of the lack of opportunity is, in fact, the greatest opportunity that my little family has been given.

The Universe leads you if you listen.  If you're grateful, positive & do the work, the Universe listens.  So, for all I've been given, the absolute hardest days when we couldn't afford a loaf of bread, to the most cherished gift I've been given in Katie, I'm grateful for everything.

Thank you, Universe.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Gratitude.