Green with Envy

You know, I think I'd be happier if I stopped wanting someone else's life. Wait, I love the people in my life, and wouldn't trade them, but materialistically I want other people's lives.

I spend so much time focusing on the things that we don't have, the things I want, the things we can't afford. I joke about being broke, and pretend I don't care.

I care, I care a lot. I know that we're doing the best we can with what we have. We could definitely do better, but I think we're doing fairly well. I just wish there was more to go around. I'm sure a lot of people do though.

It's weird when you become a parent how things change for you. The wants I have now are rarely for myself. I mean obviously some are, but mostly it's things I want for our girl. She never goes without, and by all means has more than enough but I still wish there was more.

As my previous entry stated...change is in the air...we'll see where it takes us

Change?

I feel tense lately. I'm not sleeping well. I'm moody & unpredictable. I'm stressed out & I have no idea why.

Today at work, it was busy. Really, really, busy. In the midst of the insanity, I got a ridiculously bad headache, and my words got a bit confused. It felt the same as the only other time that I've had a migraine, but I immediately popped some tylenol & put on my glasses, quickly I felt better. A little while later I felt like I might have a panic attack of sorts. I felt very anxious, in fact right now while typing this & recalling how I felt, I feel the same way. I feel like someone is squeezing my throat. Ok, I need to shake it off.

Wow, that was intense. Anyhow...I don't know what's going on with me. It's driving me crazy though.

I know that I need to look after myself better. I need to get exercise, some, at least...if not for me then for my little Katie Lou...my little lou lou bear...she deserves the best Mama she can have. I don't know why I can't force myself to understand that I need to change. I mean, I know it, obviously I know it, but why don't I feel like I'm enough to deserve it? Why can't I figure out a way to do this?

I feel like there's a big change coming in my life, our life soon...Something good is going to happen for us soon, maybe this is it? Maybe, getting our health back is the change...maybe, it's time for us to make it the change....