A month... 30ish days.
I've thought about her a lot & also, not at all. Those are my two gears for grieving while being a mom to a newborn.
I allow my grief to consume me for a very short spurt, then I shut it off. It's the only way I know how to deal with it. I don't have the time to be as sad as I really want to allow myself to be. I don't have time for grief - I have a 4 week old son & a 5.5 yr old spitfire little girl to look after.
Sometimes she comes into my thoughts & I can't imagine that this is anything more than a bad dream. It doesn't feel real to me. I have no closure.
No one knows how hard it was for me to be in the hospital with my brand new baby while my family was saying their final goodbyes to her. I wanted to be there to say goodbye, to tell her I love her, to tell anyone who was there how special she was.
It just doesn't feel real to me because I was so removed from everything while experiencing such joy from Jamie's birth. It was the hardest most bittersweet week, I wanted so badly to be in two places at once.
How can it be a month already? It feels like it was just yesterday that I opened my door, saw Scott there...and knew. Wasn't it just yesterday?
I think about her laugh a lot. I don't ever want to forget it. It was one of a kind, like her.
I look forward to the day when it hurts a bit less but until then, I'll use my two gears. Time to turn it off for now but I love you, Aunt Donna.
