I have been off work since Saturday January 28th. That was the day I realized I was too tired to fight through it all. Then the next day, I decided the same thing, then again on Monday. I knew I needed time. I feel like I have been fighting my depression with one hand tied behind my back. Going to work, being a Mom, Wife & finding time to allow myself to decompress, they weren't meshing well together. I totally understand that there are many many parents who are much busier than I am, but for me & for my capabilities, it was too much.
I returned to work full-time at the end of May 2011. I had only addressed my postpartum depression a month earlier with my Dr. Everything was a constant battle. My new manager seemed to enjoy making me feel like I was always on the cusp of losing my job. The daycare we found for Katie left us feeling uncertain about our choice. I was stressed out 24/7. My manager was a complete bully. One day she loved you, the next you were on the shit list. I was jerked around so much, and made feel like I wasn't dependable because of my family commitments.
October 17th, I started a new job. This was going to be the moment I could breathe & feel happy again. I thought this job was going to be the cure-all. I was wrong. It really has nothing to do with the job or the company, both are amazing, but they can't fix me.
I'm currently off work until March 5th. I've been keeping my girl home with me as much as I can. She makes me feel better. Her spirit & wonder make me smile. I need that as much as I can get it.
On the form my Dr. filled out for my work, he wrote the word 'Agoraphobia' & it took my breathe away. I'm anxious & uncomfortable to go outside of my apartment. I have a panic attack at the thought of going out. I used to get cabin fever if I was inside for 2 days in a row. Until yesterday I had been inside for a week & was in no rush to get out. I've promised myself that I will force myself out in the next few days.
I feel really indifferent lately. Not really sad, not really happy, not really anything. When I look in the mirror, I don't think I look like myself. I'm this sullen woman with sad eyes.
I need to fight this. I am so determined to win.
Positive thoughts, positive energy, I'm fighting with all that I have.
You WILL win this....and you WILL find happier and more healthy days.
ReplyDeleteYou just need people in your corner, some time to find the right kind of treatment for you and the opportunity to put all of these things together. You are very brave for addressing this, writing it and commiting to fight it.
Hugs to you.
Paula just try doing 1 thing on your positive list a day and seeing it through, whether it be an hour long walk or writing some new poetry. You need to stick with it girl! xoxoxoxo
DeleteI understand the fear about going out and leaving the house. I used to panic that maybe there would be an accident at an intersection, or someone would be following us, or judging me.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what changed in my mind, but something clicked and suddenly I wasn't afraid anymore. I don't know if hormone "a" leveled out and hormone "b" took charge. Maybe it was being at home in the miramichi and seeing some donut head letting their kid run all over their backseat while driving. I make great choices for my girls safety and know you do the same.
I wish I lived closer, to help you overcome this, however, that's just my need to help. I have ZERO doubt that you are a strong and powerful woman, and you can overcome this.
And I send you love and positive "flow" across the miles.