It's amazing how anxiety & depression can grip you when you least expect it. Just when you think you're doing fairly well, WHAM! Flat on your ass.
Today, I have been flattened by it. Yesterday, I was fine. Last night, a bit anxious. Today, I want to curl up in a ball & cry forever.
I yelled at Katie 3 times today. I don't yell. I hate yelling. I only yell when I don't feel well or am extremely overwhelmed by something. All 3 times, I walked away for a moment, recomposed myself, came back & apologized to my sweet girl. All 3 times, she hugged me, kissed my forehead & said 'otay, mama, otay'.
My heart is breaking right now. My heart breaks when I think about the Mama that Katie deserves & how I really don't know if I'm living up to that standard.
I'm so tired of this disease/disorder, whatever you want to call it.... Leave me alone, already!!! GOOOO AWAY!!!
Anxiety & IBS can take a flying leap too....I'm tired of it all. I'm not nearly as strong as I pretend to be. As strong as I want others to think I believe myself to be. I know people probably know this but I've never admitted to myself that I'm fairly weak. I'm crumbling. I thought I was on the mend, but I'm just starting. I need to let go of the darkness inside.
I hate that writing this will cause worry for people who love me. That makes me not want to write it down & put it out there. I feel that I owe it to myself to be frank & open, though.
I'm just having a really, really bad day. I just had a really good cry, my eyes are almost swollen shut, it's a good look. I feel better for it...hoping soon I'll feel better still.
Let it out Peener we all feel overwhelmed sometimes and it's okay. :)
ReplyDeletelove you,Robster!
DeleteIt happens. Life Happens. All that matters is that you continue to happen. Depression and anxiety are always there....waiting....to slide through your protective armour. I understand that all too well.
ReplyDeleteYou are the perfect mother for Katie, the one that loves her unconditionally and always will, will support her through her ups and downs. You are a perfect fit with her. Don't let Depression or anxiety give you self doubt because that's what it is.
I'm proud of you for writing this. As a fellow mother and woman it takes a lot of strength to say I'm not OK. Just remember that you are important and you are ok, some days we just need that reminder.
Thanks, Sam. Your words mean a lot.
DeleteRobbie's words are perfect...bad days/weeks/months happen and it's ok to admit them, to cry, to yell or to feel angry and disappointed. Emotions need to be released, so please do whatever feels good, including writing on this blog, screaming into a pillow or simply crying. It wont fix it...but it'll release some emotions, which is something that we all need.
ReplyDeleteAnd Sam said it perfectly that Katie has a Mother who loves her and prioritizes her, unconditionally. You are not your disease. You are Paula...strong, funny, smart, beautiful and a fiercely good mamma. You also happen to be ill....it's just a part of you. Katie gets ALL of you, not just the bad days when you yell (which happens, unfortunately). She gets the love, the laugther, the dreams and the support that I KNOW you give her.
Being not ok...is ok. Hang in there....we're all in your corner.
Thanks, sweet lady!! hugs & hipchecks...right? lol
DeleteOne day at a time... one foot in front of the other... :-)
ReplyDelete