A Year Without Her

A year.  October 3, 2015.

How can it be a year already? How has it been over a year since I've hugged her or told her I love her?

I miss her laugh. I miss her voice. I miss her tight hugs & kisses on my cheek.

I wonder some days if it'll ever get easier or if I'll be able to think about her without my heart breaking.

I've had my hands full this past year so I haven't had time to dwell in my sadness & grief but there are times when it stops me in my tracks. I hope some day that goes away & I just remember happier days with her.

I wish that when I think of her that I could see her as she was before cancer, before tubes & oxygen but that's what is in the fore front of my mind & I hate that. I want to remember her happy & healthy, full of spunkiness, love & laughter. That's who she really was.

I know she's with me when I need her, I've felt her with me. I hope every day that my boy has some of her qualities - that somehow there's truth to someone has to leave this world to make room for new life. That maybe just maybe the new life inherits some of the goodness from the person who left.  It sounds crazy, I know, but it gives me something to hold on to. I need that right now.

I look forward to the day when an unexpected picture of her or mention of her name doesn't put a lump in my throat.  For now though, I let the tears flow when they need to because she was too important not to just let myself feel that emptiness when it hits me.

I, also, look forward to the day when I have some closure.  It all happened so quickly at the end, I was too pregnant to anyone to think it was safe for me to be there. Then I had a baby & couldn't be at the funeral, that still just hurts my heart.  It makes it hard to feel real. I had no formal goodbye. Hopefully one day I can reconcile that with myself.

Absence

Absence makes the heart grow fonder - or does it?

Absence sometimes allows for time for personal reflection that doesn't allow for fondness. It brings ups things you had forgotten or shoved aside as it being just the way 'x' is. Why though? Why does 'x' get to treat you differently than you'd expect others to treat you?

I've had a significant amount of absence in the last 3.5 yrs by someone I never ever in my life expected to be absent. Someone who if you'd have told me 5 years ago wouldn't speak to me off & on for most of 3.5 yrs, I would've wagered everything I had on you being wrong. It was unfathomable to me & it truly still is that this person is 100% not a part of my life or the lives of my children.

I'm not at all claiming to be without blame, I know I'm not perfect or even close but the pain this person has caused me, it tears me up more than I admit to anyone. I just don't get how shutting down communication fixes anything.

I spent my entire life doing what I could for this person. I don't know how so many years of tirelessly trying to make someone else's life better is immediately forgotten. I don't get that. All of the love, the laughs, the memories, most days I wish I could just erase it all because it wouldn't hurt so much.

When people talk to me about this person I just want to scream that I don't care & don't want to know. I don't want this person to know about my life either because they made a choice to not be a part of it. Instead, I just listen, smile & make polite comments.

It really is funny how you can give up so much for other people only to have them treat you like you no longer matter.

You can expect it from some people but not usually your family.

My heart hurts, I miss what I thought I had & I'm heartbroken for what I really can't see us ever having again.

Trying my best

October 6, 2015 Jeff & I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary at the hospital by welcoming our son into the world.

It has been a wild 17 weeks to say the least. I had forgotten how much sleep deprivation hurts. You get to the point where you are so tired that you're nauseous but still you trudge along because you have no choice.

I fought a hard battle with postpartum depression & anxiety after I had Katie. I wanted to believe I could avoid that this time, but I was wrong.

Currently, I'm in the midst of postpartum depression, my anxiety has been flaring up & I hate it. 

This time I knew the signs & symptoms though, I knew how bad it could get if I tried to pretend I'm not feeling this way and also, this time I refuse go down without a fight.

There are many days when I just want to shut the world out. I don't want to talk on the phone or text anyone, but I tell myself at least texting is quiet.. There are days when my anxiety kicks me so hard that I'm short fused & snippy with Katie for just being a 5 yr old, but when I realize I'm wrong I apologize to her & we snuggle. There are days when the thought of leaving the house makes me uneasy, so I try to get dressed & go.

Having two kids has been a huge adjustment, especially since they both want to be on me a lot of the time. I miss personal space. I miss the quiet. I miss feeling like I've got a grip on thing.

I'll beat this depression again, I have confidence that will happen. Right now though - I'm just trying my best.

A month of missing you

A month... 30ish days.

I've thought about her a lot & also, not at all. Those are my two gears for grieving while being a mom to a newborn.

I allow my grief to consume me for a very short spurt, then I shut it off. It's the only way I know how to deal with it. I don't have the time to be as sad as I really want to allow myself to be. I don't have time for grief - I have a 4 week old son & a 5.5 yr old spitfire little girl to look after.

Sometimes she comes into my thoughts & I can't imagine that this is anything more than a bad dream. It doesn't feel real to me. I have no closure.

No one knows how hard it was for me to be in the hospital with my brand new baby while my family was saying their final goodbyes to her. I wanted to be there to say goodbye, to tell her I love her, to tell anyone who was there how special she was.

It just doesn't feel real to me because I was so removed from everything while experiencing such joy from Jamie's birth. It was the hardest most bittersweet week, I wanted so badly to be in two places at once.

How can it be a month already? It feels like it was just yesterday that I opened my door, saw Scott there...and knew.  Wasn't it just yesterday?

I think about her laugh a lot. I don't ever want to forget it. It was one of a kind, like her.

I look forward to the day when it hurts a bit less but until then, I'll use my two gears. Time to turn it off for now but I love you, Aunt Donna.

Lucky to have had her....

I consider myself to be very lucky in some parts of life, one of them is that I was raised in a family with a village mentality. I didn't grow up with just my parents loving me the way parents do, I was lucky enough to have three Aunts who I was/am very close with - my Mom's sisters Jackie & Beulah, (who we all call Aunt Boo) & also, my Dad's sister Donna.

These three women have loved me unconditionally & I don't know where I'd be in life without their love. Sadly, however, I've lost two of them; my Aunt Jackie passed away when I was 20 weeks pregnant with Katie & my Aunt Donna passed away two days ago, while I'm 38 weeks pregnant.

Losing someone you love that much is hard, but losing them while carrying a child you know they would've given the same amount of love to is even harder.

My Aunt Donna was told a year ago that she had about three months to live, so I knew that the chances of her meeting my son were slim, but she fought so hard & made it so long that I had hope. In fact the night before she died I told Jeff that I was so excited that she had lived long enough to meet our boy, since we're having him this week. I felt such relief knowing that she'd at least get to meet him once but I was wrong & my heart is so broken over it.

She was the best person I've ever known, the kindest, warmest, most loving person. She could fill any space with her love just by walking into a room. She always tried to find the best in people even when others couldn't. She treated everyone she met with kindness & she was so appreciative of the people in her life.

I've never known love like the love she gave me, it was more than unconditional, it was all encompassing, it filled your soul, your heart, your mind. It made you feel like you were the only person that mattered to her in that moment.

She is the only person who would tell me that I'm beautiful even when I looked my absolute worst & I knew without a doubt that she meant it. She saw things in me so many times that I didn't see in myself. She often loved me more than I loved myself & always made sure I knew how much she loved me.

Knowing this day was coming, I've tried to prepare myself many times, but there's just no way to prepare yourself to lose a part of your foundation. She was more than just an Aunt, she was MY Aunt, she was the biggest, brightest light, the deepest love, the loudest laugh, she was a part of my heart. She meant so much to so many people who now feel broken because she's gone.

I don't know how to reconcile the fact that I'll never get another one of her amazing hugs, I'll never have her grab my face & kiss me again - how is that possible? I want it all to just be a really bad dream.

My father told me once that his grandmother told him that people need to leave this world in order to make room for others. I've tried so hard to find solace in that since this week I've not only lost part of my heart but a new part of it will be born. Maybe she was making room for my boy to come into the world, I hope somehow he has a heart like hers - strong & full of unconditional love for others.

She was an incredibly strong woman too. She lost my Uncle Harvey 18 years ago & instead of falling apart, she became fiercely independent. She got her license in her early 50's, then not too long after drove from New Brunswick to Ontario, because she was, in my opinion, fearless & absolutely tough as nails. It was a trip she took many times after as well. I'll always be in awe of that.

I know her love will always be with me & I'm grateful she's no longer in pain, but there is a gaping hole in my heart that will take a very long time to heal. People like her don't come along every day, so I consider myself to be extremely lucky to not only have known her to to have been her niece.

I hope she's happy where ever she is now & I hope she knows that no one could have asked for her to be any better of a person than she was, because I think she was the best & so many others agree.

I'll love & miss her forever but I know she'd be so upset with me for crying over her being gone, so I'll try my best to just remember her happy days & to remember that her love hasn't ended just because she isn't with us physically.  Believe me...I'll always know how lucky I was to have her.

Hurting heart.

My head is all over the place these days. I'm 28.5 weeks pregnant, my aunt's cancer is progressing & my brother hasn't really spoken to me since April, when we spoke for a few days but it had been 2 months of not speaking prior to that.

My heart hurts. A lot.

I don't know how to reconcile losing my aunt, the day is coming, it could still be many weeks away but it has never felt so imminent & real.

I love her so much & I don't want her to suffer, but I'm angry that we are going to be without her in our lives.

I want my brother to be here for me now, I want to go through this together. He is the only other person who loves our Aunt like I do. I want to have him hug me while letting me cry & snot all over his shirt. I need him but he isn't a part of my life now. He made that choice, I didn't. He has shut me out. I don't know what I've done to make him think I deserve this but it hurts & I'm so incredibly tired of it hurting.

I feel like protecting my sanity & telling him how I feel about the decisions he's made have caused him to shut me out. If that's how it has to be then I can't do anything about that. I can't change how I feel & I refuse to let anyone else's life decisions affect my life that much ever again. I did that for too many years.

Anyone who knows me well, knows how much love I have for my brother & have always had. We were as close as two siblings could be, that makes this wedge between us so much harder for me to handle.

I just keep thinking how does he not care enough about me to call or text me. How can he be ok with us not being in contact with each other? How is it even possible? I've made a few attempts by texting him but he hasn't replied. I don't understand it at all. I can't understand it because I'd never shut him out, no matter what.

My heart hurts so much but I can't fix any of this.

Wrecking ball to the soul.

Sometimes in life you have to learn to roll with the punches, even when the punches feel like a wrecking ball to your soul.

My Dad's sister has terminal cancer. We've all known since October when she was told she only had three months, thankfully she's already been with us twice as long as expected but the cancer has spread.

Although, I'm not her child she has always made me feel like I could be. She has always made me feel more than just loved, she has made me feel wanted, appreciated & seen.

I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with the inevitable. I don't know how to let her go & I just plainly don't want to.

Jeff & I went to visit her tonight, it was long overdue. We talked for a long time about so many different things - some happy, some sad, some real truths that I was unaware of.

Since finding out that she is terminal, I've learned more about her than I had ever imagined. I'm grateful for the chance to have these moments with her but I always imagined her being old & telling me these things, not now before she's even 70.

Knowing someone you love like a second mother is dying is hard to process. I can't begin to imagine the pain my cousins feel knowing that this rotten disease is going to take their mom from them.

She's my Dad's baby sister, she's my Mom's best friend, she is like a sister to all of my mother's sisters & she's the world to my Uncle. She is loved beyond measure.

I don't know how to deal with the aching I feel daily in my heart knowing that not only I but so many people I love are going to lose her & the heartache is going to be unbearable. It honestly already is & she's still with us.

Tonight, when we visited I asked her how she's dealing with it all & then I cried while telling her how very much I love her. She kept telling me how much she loves me & I assured her that I've always known without a doubt how much love she has for me. That's partly why this is so hard. She is epitome of love. That's irreplaceable.

I plan to visit her as often as possible, to surround her with love as much as I can. After all she has given me in life, she deserves to always know & feel how much I appreciate her & will always love her.

Family can be hard to deal with, family can hurt you worse than anyone else but if there is love, that needs to be the focus. Love your family, hug them, appreciate them, tell them how you feel. Nothing is guaranteed so forgive their shortcomings & above all else - hold on to love.

I refuse to fix it this time

My heart & head have been hurting for a while - when someone you love isn't who you thought they were, it can take a while to reconcile the truth from the illusion. That's what I've been trying to do.

When someone you love doesn't care enough about you or others you love to be truthful, respectful & sensible. You have to eventually stop allowing that person into your space.

It's so hard to do, you can't shut off love, especially when it's family. My anger & disappointment don't cancel out my love or my wishing things could be different but for my self respect, I have to walk away.

Problems that aren't mine for years have taken over my life when this person needed me. Countless hours on the telephone, in person & online listening to the horror stories of how this person was being treated so poorly but wanted their partner to take them back. I consoled, I bitched, I gave my unfiltered opinions, I defended this person, but for what?  I'm so very angry.

I don't know when I've ever before been so deeply hurt. I don't know how to deal with the pain I feel or how to deal with the absence of this person in my life. I'm so incredibly pained by the lack of concern for others being shown by this person. People who have loved & supported them have just been shut out while this person makes possible life altering decisions for someone who would toss them away like a piece of useless trash.

I just can't reconcile the whole thing & it's taking over my spare quiet moments when I have time to think. It's making me spontaneously cry when I least expect it. It's making me angry.

I just know that I deserve better from this person. So very much better & I won't accept less ever again. I'm not a doormat, I'm not someone to use when needed & then ignore when 'life is good', I'm not here just for this person, I expect them to be here for me when needed too. That hasn't happened in a very, very long time.

So, as much love as I feel, the hurt & anger are taking over & I'm not sure how repairable that is. I'm done letting anyone, even family treat me like I'm only important when they need me.

I guess what I'm saying is that I refuse to fix it this time.

Doubt. Fear. A bun in the oven.

A lot has changed in the two months since I last blogged.

My sister-in-law has caused extreme amounts of havoc in the lives of my family members. I truly believe she needs psychiatric help but she'd say that I'm the crazy one. I've removed myself from the situation. I'm done dealing with her & him too. It hurts too much & it's too much stress. Not my zoo, not my animals. I have bigger fish to fry.

We found out a week & a half ago that we're having a baby.

Uh...yeah.

I was done having babies. One & done. That was my motto. I have the most amazing child, I never expected to have any children so I was overjoyed at being a mom to only her.

Then, Boom! Pregnant.

I knew almost immediately. I told Jeff that I was pregnant before it was even humanly possible. Chemistry hadn't taken over yet, how did I know? I still don't understand it but I knew & had to wait two weeks for a test to tell me what I already knew for sure.

We told everyone the day we found out, which was probably crazy but I spent so much time being afraid when I was pregnant with Katie & I want to try to relax this time.

I'm scared to death though. I didn't think I'd be so scared since I know how to raise a child to at least 4.5 but I'm almost more afraid.

How do moms with multiple children do it? I'm so afraid to fail Katie while being Mama to a newborn, especially since Katie holds my whole heart right now. She alone is my entire world, nothing & no one matter more. I don't know how I'm going to be able to share myself with another child & let Katie still be Katie.

Anxiety & doubt have been following me around like classroom bullies. I'm too old. I don't have the patience for two kids. What if my postpartum depression comes back? How am I going to cope with sleep deprivation & having another child who needs me? How am I going to provide two children with everything they deserve? I'm going to end up screwing this up. What if this baby doesn't sleep just like Katie didn't. I am SO worried about so many things.

Postpartum is on my mind a lot. Few things in my life have been scarier than that period of time. It changed me forever, some ways that have yet to be 'repaired' & although I'm hyper aware, I was last time too. I didn't know what I was feeling to be postpartum depression. I hope if it comes back I'll be better prepared to tackle it with a vengeance.

Last time, I told myself & everyone around me that I'd make sure to tell someone if I felt depressed. It took hysterical crying & hyperventilating on my living room floor while contemplating downing a bottle of dilaudid to get me to see that I needed help.

The fact that I wasn't afraid of dying but couldn't take the pills because Katie would be alone crying for too long before her father came home made me see that I needed help. That still scares me. I was so close to doing something very stupid & so very unlike me because of a chemical imbalance caused by childbirth.

Now, I'm going to have another child....

Christmas on autopilot

I'm having a hard time finding my Christmas spirit this year. In fact, I have none at all. There is not one bit of merriment in my heart, no feelings of happiness & that whimsical feeling from tree lights glowing. None of it exists. I've been trying so hard to figure out what's missing. Why am I feeling so down about Christmas this year? I think I've figured it out.

My family is about to experience a very bittersweet holiday. One that we know will be our last with my father's sister. How are the holidays supposed to be happy when I know next year she won't be here with us? How? I'm so sad & I don't know how I'm supposed to soak up this time happily. I understand that we're lucky to have this Christmas together; people say that they wish they would know if an event was going to be the last time together but really - it doesn't help anything, I promise you that.

My Sister in law hates me, she's the person who called the police on me in August so it's a mutual thing but because she hates me, she makes it really hard to see my nephew. Katie loves him so much & she keeps asking if he'll be here for Christmas because he's our family & I have to keep explaining that he'll probably be spending Christmas with his other family that day. She doesn't seem to quite get why he won't be here & I don't have words to fix it. It's breaking my heart more than I can even explain.

And well, Christmas is missing someone very important to our family on Jeff's side this year. His cousin Colleen passed away this year, she was a major part of our Christmas traditions and our lives. After Jeff's mom passed away, Colleen swooped in & made sure that we always had some of his family close. She made us feel so loved, she was crazy about Katie & last year, because I was sick, I didn't get to see her at Christmas.

You hear all over about how Christmas isn't about the gifts, it's about spending time with the ones you love,...I guess that's the biggest part of the problem...

I feel like I'm on autopilot, I'm just buying the gifts because it's what I do, I'll wrap the gifts because it's what I do. I'll be happy for Katie when she opens her gifts, but otherwise I'm kind of looking forward to January 1st..

Emotional Dam.....

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm tired. I'm scared.

I'm really just fed up with people I love having to go through such hardships. I'm tired of it. I'm angry that people who don't deserve to go through things just keep getting slammed with bigger things. I'm scared that I could lose people I love. I'm so very sad that they have to deal with more.

Cancer. Everyone knows someone who has had it or who has a close family member affected by it. Everyone. That is so messed up. How is it still so rampant? I just want it to go away & leave my loved ones alone.

I try so hard to stay positive for the people around me who have their doubts & fears, I try but inside I'm so scared.  I'm scared I won't be able to be strong for the people who need me. I'm scared I'll crack in front of the people affected. I'm scared that treatment won't work & I just....I just can't deal with that....

I've been holding it all back but today the emotional dam is cracking & I don't know how much longer it'll hold up. I feel like crying won't solve anything here though & I don't know if I can stop myself once I start.

I'm so angry. I want to yell, swear, punch & throw things but that won't solve anything. My loved ones will still have Cancer & I can't do anything to help them. I hate that, I like to fix problems for people I love & there is absolutely nothing I can do for them.


And the emotional dam just busted wide open...I just cried so hard that no sound was even coming out...this shatters my heart & I'm no where near as strong as I'm pretending to be but I'll build a new dam. I'll keep a brave face & I'll fake positivity because it's what I do. It'll all be alright because in the end things always work out or some other bullshit I'll try to serve up later....

Bitch, Please

My tolerance for bullshit has maxed out, as has my tolerance for bullies, jackasses, douchecanoes & nasty ass psycho cunts who need a punch in the face.

I am a hippie. I promote non-violence, I believe words can be more powerful than anything else but damn, some people just really need a punch in the face.

I can't rid myself completely of the bully, I've done all I can to rid myself of her but it's not something that is 100% possible.

Can you imagine that someone called the police on me? ME?! I've been stewing on this for a week & a half, I wasn't going to say anything to anyone, but I just want to explode. My bully called the police on me & said that I've been harassing her via text messages & Facebook, she said that I trespassed on her property when I was actually there helping someone else.

I don't know her cell phone number & she's blocked from my Facebook, someone please explain to me how I'm supposed to harass someone that I have no means of contacting? I surely do not know. She, however, has used someone else's cell phone to attack me. She has used her own Facebook & sent Jeff a message warning me to never step foot on her property again. I'm not saying I'm innocent in all of this because I did say some very ugly things when I was being attacked but this is beyond excessive.

I will also fully claim responsibility for sending the first Facebook message when I felt someone I love very much was being attacked in many ways. We had it out on Facebook in January, she & I, then I blocked her. JANUARY. I have not contacted her since then but I am harassing her. Bitch, please.

On Friday, August 15th I answered the door to a police officer who said " I'm here about X & some texts messages you've sent her" - the first words out of my mouth to the Constable were 'I fucking knew it'. You see, the night before she had read a text message that I sent to the person in the middle that said I would call the police on her if she harassed me again, I scared her. She wasn't so tough when being threatened with real action, because she knows she's in the wrong. She knows. So she wanted to draw first blood & called the police so she wouldn't look like the crazy bitch that she really is. She wanted to look like a victim, because that's her bag. She is a victim in every scenario in her life while she points fingers at everyone else for being 'so mean to her & her family'. Perhaps, just perhaps, if you try being nice to people & treat them with respect regardless of how much money they have, you will get respect in return. Just a concept. I dunno. Seems to work for most people but what do I know, I'm just a 'fat bitch' 'nut job' who is 'mentally imbalanced' & who can't hold a job because I'd have 'a mental breakdown'. Yes, she's that kind of mean.

Her words used to cut like a knife, now they're like gun powder. She just gives me more reason to dislike her & pity her for having that much negativity in her soul. I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through life so angry; to always think people are out to get you even when they really aren't at all, it must be exhausting.  I'm so glad I'm not her, so very very glad. I wouldn't want to be angry at people all the time, to go out of my way to cause others stress, it just seems so time consuming & foolish to me. You can silently hate someone...it's okay...most people do & I wish she'd learn this technique.

I should hate her. I want so very badly to hate her. I don't hate her, however. I do dislike her as much as I can but I can't hate her. I think she needs help. She's mentally unstable & needs help, I fully believe that. She's the absolute most paranoid person I've ever met. She literally thinks people are out to get her, that people talk about her when they aren't, she thinks everything is about her. She has rage issues, I mean, I can really lose my cool, but I have never seen anything like her in my life. I, once, stopped her from falling in a fire while she was drunk & raging, she looked at me & said 'don't touch me you fat bitch'. She is the meanest of mean but I still don't hate her. I want her to get help & maybe just one EXTREMELY deserved punch in the face.

The 100% honest truth about all of this, however, is that this more than being angry or vengeful about it, this situation makes me very sad & I truly hope somehow (even though I can't imagine any way here or on any alternate universe that it could happen) things work out positively.

One thing that I know for sure is that I will no longer tolerate any further harassment from her. I have the Constable's number & I'll gladly call him. 

I quit...again

I quit.

I'm tired of quitting but I didn't see any other option.

Monday, I didn't fall down the stairs accidentally. I did fall down the stairs but it wasn't an accident. I felt nothing but sheer panic at the idea of going to work. It was a split second decision and I made the wrong one. In that moment, I figured I'd hurt myself enough to not have to work or to no longer be a bother to Jeff & my family. Win/win... Ugh...so irrational..

This morning I got up feeling mildly anxious, it quickly progressed though. I knew I couldn't fight it. I had to tell the truth about Monday. I started with Jeff.

I called my boss & was trying to figure out a way to tell him about my anxiety & have him understand that I'm not just being an asshole. I don't think he bought it so...

I can only get into a psychiatrist on the 18th of September.  That feels like it's forever away but it's a date at least. I'll talk to my NP on Wednesday about needing meds.

People try to be helpful - push through it, just do it, shake it off, think positive thoughts. I wish that was the solution. I try to think positive thoughts but the negative ones are so much louder.

I feel broken. I feel very alone. Jeff tries so hard but he doesn't understand. I feel so much guilt over the life he has because of me. He didn't ask to be married to someone with mental illness. It's very hard on him, too.  He's always in my corner though, even when he doesn't have the words to fix it for me.

So, back I go to the drawing board & long days home with the Dood. Another guilt trip, she loves daycare more than being home with me. Ugh....

Last-ditch effort

You come to a point in your life when you realize you are only in control of your actions & not the action or reaction of anyone else.

I've done all I can at this point to fix a situation that breaks my heart.

I'm a forgiver, that is my nature. Chances are you will have to do me wrong many times before I write you off completely, then maybe a time or two after that. I don't forget, however. I'm not sure the person on the other end of this situation realizes that. I've forgiven a lot of wrongs. I've given a lot of myself, my time, my love, my compassion, I've been broken-hearted for this person more times than I can count.

I'm always there.

Except this time. I wasn't able to be there. I wasn't able to do what was asked of me. I had said I would when put on the spot, then backed out when I realized I couldn't do it without causing myself more stress than I could handle.

What this person probably doesn't realize & possibly doesn't care about, but depression & anxiety have been major factors in my life the last two months. I couldn't do what was asked of me because of it.

Anxiety is my arch-nemesis. It is with me during every breathe, whisper & thought. It is slowly ramping back up, but I'm fighting it this time. I feel anxious & still do a lot of things because I have to but the extras don't happen much because I'm too anxious.

I feel as if my life will forever be altered because of it but I start counseling in two weeks. There is hope.

I will never forget this period of time. I've pushed people away by being unable to be social, unable to function like a 'normal' person. I love the idea of going out with my bff for a drink, a coffee or even just a drive but how many times have I cancelled because of anxiety? More than I can count - that's how many.

Now, it has caused me to make a decision for myself that hurt someone I love a lot.

Someone who is very different from me & who sees & feels things in a different way than I do. I'm trying to process that. I'm trying to allow myself to understand how anyone could be this upset for as long as it has been. Knowing the fragility of life & how easily people can be taken from you. I just can't understand that part....but that's maybe because I forgive too easily. I'm softer. My heart feels things differently. My heart is completely broken. I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused but I'm not sorry for doing what I needed to for me. I can't be sorry for that.

I'm not looking for sympathy but just a bit of understanding....

My Mom

She was the first storyteller I ever knew. She was the first person to tell me I could be & do anything. She taught me how to sing songs & love books. Later, she scolded me for not applying myself, for making poor decisions when it came to some friends. She taught me the rush of a great bargain, she taught me that caring about others matters & that women can be strong.

She has had a rollercoaster of a year & a bit.

She is the unwavering proof that mothering doesn't stop when they leave the nest.

She makes me want to scream & pull my hair out. She, also, makes me want to hug & protect her.

She is my rock when everything else is crumbling. She may not say what I want to hear, but she's always honest. There's no sugar coating to make me feel better. There's truth, an ear to rant or cry to & she's always there.

She gives until she has nothing left to give. She worries. Oh my, does she worry, but she is usually bang on. Despite all my attempts to hippie dippy things up with my positive thoughts, she's usually right.

I love her for who she is, as she is. Qualities & flaws, both of which I have many.

She brought me into this world...and from what I was always told....she can take me out...

Mom, I love you.

You are stronger in my eyes than you'll ever see yourself. You are the center of our family & I'm so glad that you're my Mom.

Happy Mother's day. 

Bummer

Sometimes, I feel like the words are stuck inside of me trying to get out but I can't figure out how to lay them in the right order. I feel like a bricklayer, I know the usual pattern to get the job done, but sometimes I can't do it. Sometimes, I have too many thoughts to be able to lay them out coherently.  I'm trying rather unsuccessfully to do that now.

Panic has set in - 3 days until I start work. This means only 3 more days of mid-day snuggles & sticky kisses. Only 3 more days of hearing her giddy laughter over something silly Mickey did.

The whole thing is bittersweet.

I thrive on routine. I function best when I know what to expect, although I love to be challenged. Right now, I have no idea what to expect. It's freaking me out.

Why am I already expecting the worst? I expect it to be awful. I guess because I know the job & it is awful. I know some people who still work there that I think are mean just for the sake of being mean, and I don't really want to deal with them again.


Everything is changing & I'm just plain scared. I'm sad, too. I know that change can be a very good thing. Change can be a fantastic thing, I just don't know how this change possibly can be anything but awful with only one exception.


Katie started daycare this week. She's loves it & that makes me so happy! I'm not meant to be a SAHM, I realized that as the year & a bit that I've been home with her went on. She needs to have fun & be wild like the 2yr old she is. I'm kinda boring & cranky. She asks the kids at daycare to play with her now, instead of me & it's great! She has kids to play with now!!  That makes it worthwhile.


I hate that this job is so very much everything I hate about jobs. It is minimum wage, it's a call center, it's a job I've had before & hated, it's a cess pool of negativity & I'm afraid to get sucked under. Although, I'm doing a pretty good job being super negative on my own right now..


I'd just like to crawl in a hole & stay there until a good job appears, money is flowing a bit more & all this anxiousness & irritability inside me is gone. Seems highly unlikely to happen, though....bummer.

Well shit!

I start work in about 3 weeks. I am freaking the Feck out!

Does it matter that it's a call center? I don't know. It's not the job I want, I mean, I REALLY don't want it but I will go & do my best.  I can't half-ass it. There's no point in that & I'm too old for shenanigans.

I need to find daycare still. I'm stalling. I stalled when I put her in daycare before & we ended up stuck. I just get so panicky at the idea of looking for full-time care for her. I don't like it at all. My girl & I, apart for 5 days a week. It goes against all my sensibilities. She is such an essential part of me. Tears are streaming down my face just from writing that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm eager for co-workers. Adult conversation! I need to brush up on un-poop related topics!

Depression dances around me...I am very aware of how I feel, though. I am not willing to sink again. I just wish I could get this over with so I know what I'm dealing with. What kind of people, schedule, energy....so many unknowns.

I'm nervous. Like a kid on their first day of school. What if the other kids don't like me? What if the the kids from my past make it uncomfortable to be there again.

So much self-doubt. It's foolish, I know I can do the job. I have before. I just doubt my ability to return to work.

When I really left the work force, I was a mess. How do I know that I won't fall apart again? I have to put so much trust in my own strength & ability. I'm scared of failing.

What if I can't do it? My family will worry about me....and I just realized that I'm living in the future....well shit....

Ok...deep breathes, some sleep *fingers crossed* & get on daycare tomorrow.

3574 days

She loved a boyish man
With Irish feist

Life changed
Blink
Blink

Neither of them
The same again

Fighting
Everything
Everyone
Every day

3574 days
Fighting
For each other

He changed
She changed too
Life ebbed & flowed

Most days it flows
A glorious gift
Smiles, giggles
Another snack, please

Strength
Love
Bountiful laughter
We've got this

Sunday ramblings

It amazes me how quickly I can go from feeling like the average 34 yr old to feeling like I'm 12 again.

Tomorrow, my father leaves for Moncton for the first of four weeks of daily radiation. I'm missing him already.  To top it off, my mother is going with him tomorrow, for the week. I miss her already, too.

The idea of both my parents being away makes me feel surprisingly insecure. I lived away from them for eight years. The exact distance that they'll be from me while they're away, yet it feels impossible to me that I'll survive a week without them.

Over the last 11 months, since moving home, they've been such a support system for me. It makes me uneasy to think that I'll be without them.  I'm so used to talking to at least one, if not both of them daily. It'll be weird to not be able to do that.

Then there's the whole issue that my Daddy is going to Moncton for radiation. I had been putting this out of my mind. I don't like thinking about the reality of it. 

It still makes me angry that he has to deal with that at all.  I worry about him, too.

This whole situation stinks.

Fuck you, cancer.

Crashing wave

I woke up this morning a bit grumpy, as I honestly do most mornings. I don't wake up on my accord ever anymore. Katie had a rough sleep night, she was making noise at 5, then was in our room at 6. My real sleep is over then but instead of getting out of bed, she watches a show on my tablet sitting on a pillow on the floor until it's time to get up.

I shook off my grumpies though & stepped on the scale to such a great surprise, I'm down 50lbs. I was down 52lbs a few weeks ago but I also hadn't eaten more than a few bites in 4 days, I lost 12lbs in those 4 days. I knew the weight was going to come back and 9lbs of it did. It's gone now though & I have been eating, so I'm really proud of myself.

I was riding this wave but it has crashed, I have crashed. I feel like my surf board has tossed me off, I'm in the water with all these creatures picking & nipping at me. I just can't shake them.

It has been over four weeks since I've had any income at all. Four long, arduous weeks of stress filled days & trying to send out my affirmations to the Universe. I don't know if I can be stressed & have positive thinking still work. I'm not sure how that all goes, but I do know that I've been trying. Goodness knows, I've been trying.

I think I'm all tried out...I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now & it's overwhelming.  I'm all out of give a fucks...I've been giving a fuck & nothing is getting better.

I feel like the Universe is testing me... I got a job...YAY! oh wait, it's minimum wage..meh, but ok! No start date...meh, but ok, I'm sure it'll be soon!!...oh wait, April 8th.....seriously, Universe?? SERIOUSLY!!!

I'm fed up & frustrated. The stress other people are telling me about in their lives is piling up on me too. I try to be a good mother, wife, daughter, sister & friend...I try...but I feel like I'm failing in most aspects right now. I want to lock myself in a room away from the reality of life. It's hard & I'm underwhelmed by the future...having faith in anything is hard...having faith in myself & my abilities is the hardest....I dont feel like I can handle things right now....I just can't take anymore bad news & it feels like there is some on the cusp of our lives now. Nothing that directly affects me physically, but family members. I worry for them & it's wearing me out.

I guess today has turned into an anxiety filled day of weakness & mine are blinding me from seeing anything else.