Depression sneaks up when you are focusing on other things. It sucks the happy out of you like the Dementors in Harry Potter. This creepy dark faceless thing that just gets you.
I'm trying so hard to run from it but my legs are tired. I scared myself again this week with uncomfortable thoughts that were just that, thoughts. I know myself well enough to know I want to live a long life & I know when I'm really down that I'll get through it.
I've seen a psychiatrist & psychologist, I see them both again this week. I'm going to get mentally healthy so that my mind is ready for the healthy body I'm already working on.
I walked four miles on Thursday. I walked across the Morrissey bridge. The closed to vehicles & pedestrians Morrissey bridge. It was terrifying at best, my heart raced with every step & with every unintenional glance down at the rushing water. I walked so much farther that day that I knew I could. Every time I push myself & succeed l am amazed. I realize it is time for more.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what it is I want to do. What's my passion? Do I even have a passion anymore? I don't dream anymore. I don't have any dreams with the exception of a happy life for Katie. It has me thinking, what do I love?
Well, I love food. I love the idea of dairy-free food, gluten-free, vegan. I don't know exactly but it feels as if at some point in my life I will be making a living from food. I really have no idea if it's feasible or if I'm just dreaming out loud, but it feels great to dream.
The Dementors won't get to suck all the happy...I'm fighting. I'm dreaming. I'm getting healthy..slow & steady...
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