Treading water

Imagine you're speeding along the highway, you think you see an animal run out in front of you; you slam on the breaks, your heart is racing, you can't catch your breath & your passengers don't understand why you stopped so abruptly. You look up, there is no animal, no one else sees or saw an animal. It was all in your head. That is how anxiety feels for me.

The last few weeks have been hard anxiety wise. It feels like it's getting  progressively worse again but it also feels like I'm more aware of what's happening. What's happening is that agoraphobia is a very real, very persistent part of my life. There are so many days I want to stay in the house & I'm so glad I don't actually have to leave for anything. Now, though, I'm beginning to have a hard time again leaving the house even when I want to. I've been without that feeling for so long, it's disappointing to have it come back without warning.

Panic disorder & anxiety can really trick your brain into thinking you're weak. That you have all these unknown things to be afraid of. Your conscious mind can fight all it wants, you can say out loud that you're fine & there's nothing to be afraid of, but anxiety doesn't care about those things.

Sometimes, for me, it can just be too many people & too much noise in a room. Sometimes, it can be that I'm trying to get the kids out the door & there are too many little things to do. Sometimes, it hits me & I have no idea why but it can flatten me.

People all too often assume that a panic attack is a person breathing into a paper bag. While that may be true for some, it isn't true for everyone all of the time. I've had a few severe attacks that caused me to be unable to breathe but that's the least of my problems when I have an attack. When anxiety shakes me up I may be weepy, I may experience rage, I may feel my heart race, I may get a cold flash followed by a hot flash which instantly covers my body in sweat, my hands may tremble, my stomach will most definitely twist & turn - so many things happening at once.

I hate it all & I wish I knew how to stop it. It feels like I should have a grip on this by now. I'm tired of revisiting this issue. I'm tired of depression, too. I'm tired of my brain not doing what it should.

It doesn't matter to me that I know more people on antidepressants & antianxiety medication than not. It matters to me that I can't fix me.  I want to feel strong & capable, I had that for what felt like a fleeting second but it's gone now. I feel like most days I'm just staying afloat. You can't see my tired legs treading water, you just see that my head is still above the water because anything else means anxiety wins, I won't allow that to happen. I will fight hard even when I don't want to. I feel like I'm failing more than winning these days but I know I'm fighting. That's all I can do - tread water with everything I have & keep my head above water. 

It's like Dory says 'Just keep swimming'.