Old 'friend'

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
I've felt you lurking in the shadows
Waiting to catch me off guard

Today, my guard was down
I didn't know it though
Life can surprise you, old 'friend'

I feel you wrapping your arms around me
It makes me uneasy & unsettled
You are unwanted & unexpected

The tears flow like the Nile
Fast & free
Nature letting them do what they must

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
Please leave me be

I've worked too hard to set you free
I've worked too hard to let you win
But I don't know if I can do it again

I don't know how to to fight it off
This overwhelming feeling that I can't do it
I don't know how to do it again

The future so uncertain
The unknown, my biggest fear

Go away, old 'friend', go away....

Avoidance

As a fat person, I often don't really look at myself. I mean, really, straight into my own eyes, look at myself. The kind of looking at myself that would make me see my faults & have to acknowledge them. Yeah, that. I don't do it. Do you? I wonder if I'm alone in this or if it's just human nature. Stop looking at what you don't want to see. Avoidance! Let it reign supreme! It does in my world most of the time or it did...

Jeff & I have been on this lifestyle change journey for about 4.5 months, the people we've become already is surprising to me so I cannot imagine what's ahead for us. Since the end of September we've lost a combined total of more than 100lbs. That is insane! I wish I could say it's 50/50ish, but it's 60/40ish. I'm not ashamed of that though, how could I be! I've lost 42lbs so far, Jeff has lost 61lbs. I look healthier but holy cow, he looks like a different person.

We were looking at our wedding pictures yesterday with Katie since she loves to look at them. Neither of us could even remember looking remotely like that. When we started losing weight 4.5 months ago, we were already both a lot smaller than we were 6 years ago. Jeff had to be 100lbs heavier then than he his now, without a doubt, I know I was at least 80lbs heavier but we didn't see it. Avoidance.

It makes me sad when I think about how much of my life I've wasted being fat. No, morbidly obese. Let's call a spade a spade. I don't know why I didn't love myself enough to care. I can remember all too well, not being able to find shirts long enough to really cover my belly the way it should be covered. I remember having to squeeze into the largest size pants at Penningtons & they were tight. I can remember looking at myself in the mirror & wondering who that girl was looking back at me.  The moon face partially from a year of prednisone, partially from non-stop McDonald's & Burger King. Deep fried whatever at 2am after we got home from work. I didn't wear make-up anymore because I didn't see the point, I couldn't look nice no matter what. I was the queen of the ratty ponytail, oversized Pooh hoodie & jeans. I just didn't care about myself at all. I was avoiding the work I knew it would take.

I can't ever go back to being that person. It's not fair to do that to anyone in my life but most importantly it's horrible to do it to myself. I refuse to be a poor role model for Katie when it comes to nutrition. I may not end up being a health nut but I can guarantee you that my child will know how to prepare a healthy meal & that treats are just that.

I really feel so much better about myself these days. I look myself in the eyes from time to time when I'm feeling brave. I've never felt brave before...

This was what we looked like on October 6, 2006...never again

The fear of food

I nag, bitch & whine a lot..so I accept a part of the responsibility for my not feeling well. Negative energy dwelling within me is partly to blame, but I don't know how to get out.

I am so very tired. It has been about 3 months since I've felt well. I am worn out.

When we finally figured out lactose intolerance was an issue, I was bummed out but was happy for a diagnosis. Now, I just have no idea what's wrong.

My NP has sent off a req for me to have blood work done for a milk allergy. She has also referred me to a general surgeon to have scopes done. Everything moves so slowly at our hospital & I just want to feel better now! 

I'm really irritable & pretty damn miserable to be around most of the time. I'm tired of being a bitch!

I, now, am deathly afraid of all things dairy.  To be honest, I'm afraid of most food. I'd sooner not eat than risk feeling the way I did last weekend & the one before that.

Food has become the enemy. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to eat. I really don't think there is any magic menu plan that is going to work all the time. I have IBS, it's very nature is to be predictably unpredictable, so I expect there to be bad days/weeks. I just want to be able to function.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. If I eat, I'm sick, if I don't eat, somehow, I'm sick. I am way too familiar with both washrooms in our house. I'm tired of living in the bathroom. I'm tired of saying to Katie umpteen times a day 'Mommy's going to the bathroom, come see me if you need anything'. I'm tired of Katie feeling like she needs to make me feel better. It breaks my heart.

I'm really glad though that through this all, I haven't slipped back into my depression, because all the usual triggers are there. Exhaustion, stress, not being able to control what's going on with my innards, but I'm pretty convinced that depression doesn't get to come back without a fight.

I want to be able to feel better through positivity. I want to be able to at least have a good mental attitude about all of this but I'm so deep in the negativity that I really don't feel like it's going to get better or easier. That bothers me...I try to not focus on the negative as being the absolute only option but here I am, doing just that...I wish I could figure out how to change that

2012

2012.

What a year. Wow.

I can say with all certainty that one year ago, I had absolutely no idea how different my life could be. I had no idea that I was about to have the absolute hardest,literally mind-fucking year. I also had no idea how strong I could be. I didn't realize how lucky I was. I didn't see the real value in living close to my family. So much has changed. I have changed.

I started 2012 very broken. Major depression & agoraphobia with anxiety were taking over. There was no happy. I hated my job. I worked 4-12, I saw Katie only in the morning before she went to daycare most days. I felt like I was smothering. Then we got the most amazing news.

He got the job. The job I prayed to the Universe for. The job I knew was his & I knew I needed to go home. I needed my family. They saved me. We all did it together.

It wasn't easy. I had a long haul until I felt human again. I have never felt so much love from my Mom as I have in the 8 months since being home. It wasn't that she wasn't always giving it, I was finally ready to accept it. I got it...I understand her in a way I never have. 
I've been fighting anxiety hard for just over a year, I'm a lot better now than this time last year. I'm so thankful for that. I'm not sure I'll ever be without it, but I'm getting better at coping with it.

Katie has been the most amazing reason to be happy. She has come alive since we moved home. Having her Grammy & Poppy nearby...there is nothing better. She is so full of love, so full of curiosity. She's my mile-a-minute talker, who is quite often very well understood. Loves to sing & dance. She's stubborn as a mule though, she gets that from her father.

Life has been very abstract & much like tiedye. All over the place, sort of ugly to look at but kind of appealing too.

2012. I'm ok with you. Thanks for the lessons.

He's a Daddy!!

There are times in your life when you experience pure joy for someone else. Today is one of those days for me. Today, my big brother, Scott became a Daddy. The happiness I feel for him is not able to be properly summed up in words. I feel deep down joy for him. I'm so grateful to the Universe, God, whomever brought this baby boy to him & his wife. Thank you.

For those of you unaware, the Coles notes version of my relationship with my brother is that he is 10.5yrs older than me, he was very much my protector growing up, we've very much become each other's protectors, he is my friend & I love him so damn much. So, today I am over-the-moon with happiness!

Truthfully, I didn't think I'd ever see this day. As he is well aware, my brother is not a spring chicken full of youth but he is full of love. I am eager to watch him experience all those silly happy firsts that come with having a baby. I can't wait for phone calls to tell me what the baby has learned now. I can't wait to watch Scott learn all the little quirks that only his son has. The challenges, the laughs, the happiness & the love that come from caring for a child are all so worth experiencing & I love that he will get to really experience them now, as a father not just as an older brother watching his naive younger sister grow up.

I cannot wait to lay my eyes on the little man. I cannot wait to hold him & tell him how much his Aunt Paula loves him. I will also tell him at some point that in about 15 yrs if he's been out having too much fun & afraid to call his Mom & Dad, to give his Uncle Jeff & I a call...lol..I know his Dad can be a hard ass...he is still my big brother after all...

Baby Boy, you have just joined the world but you are so very loved. Your Mommy & Daddy have been waiting for you, and so have the rest of us. Can't wait to meet you!

Five days ago it all changed

Five days ago, the Western world changed forever.  Five days ago, parents collectively hugged their children a little tighter. Five days ago, innocence was lost. Five days ago, America fell apart..

The loss of the lives of those 20 beautiful children crushed the hearts of parents near & far.  I can't stop thinking about those babies. The oldest of them was 7, how is that possible? How did twenty children get massacred? How did this happen in a 'civilized' society? I don't understand it all.

In the days following, people have been giving their vastly differing points of view. Some of these people have been Pastors who use the pulpit to spread hate, some are psychotic jackasses like the Westboro Baptist Church, most, however, are Moms & Dads like you & I. We've heard it's lack of gun control, lack of help for mental health, lack of this or that.  The fact is, it doesn't matter what it is, what matters is that they take action on all the small factors that add up to the 14th of December happening.

I've been enraged many times in the last five days over the suggestion that it's about putting 'God' back in school. This, to me, is complete foolishness. It's insulting. It's a lack of caring for other people. It is segregation of sorts. Sure, Christians believe in Jesus & God, and that is great for them but what about the mass amount of children in schools who don't believe in Jesus OR God?? The Hindu children, the Muslim children, the Jewish children, the Buddhist children, even *gasp* the Atheist/Agnostic children!

God has no place in schools, none, whatsoever. He should be in the hearts of the children who believe in Him.  If they want to pray, I believe it is their right to do so, to try & force their beliefs on another child, though, is not right. North America is made of so many cultures & religions that no one religion should be forced upon anyone.  It's like saying, sorry, we are now forcing you to eat pork in school. Some religions don't believe in eating pork, but hey, who cares what they believe, we want our bacon!!!

Anyone who believes that God being in schools could have stopped this horrific event, needs to give their head a shake, really hard...then possibly check yourself into the nearest psych ward. God had no way to stop this.  Humans did this. We did this ourselves, to ourselves.  Western society is to blame for this.  The acceptance of violence, the allowing it to continue, that is what caused this.

The guns...oh..America, what is with your love affair with guns. Why does anyone need to have the 'right' to own a semi-automatic killing machine?  If you want your shotguns, fill your boots! Chances are no one is getting very far in a mass shooting with a shotgun...chances are someone attempting to shoot up a school with a shotgun is going to get jumped...chances are America is not going to let go of the death grip on guns and that terrifies me.

I've thought of those 20 babies every single day, I can't stop thinking of them.  They were massacred with a Bushmaster XM-15 .223-caliber semi-automatic assault-style rifle. What the hell!?! Isn't America supposed to be a civilized society? Why does that style of gun need to be owned for protection? Who is coming for anyone that would require a weapon of that stature to protect themselves or their families?! Last time I checked there wasn't any army of hate so fierce that any person would require a semi-automatic assault-style rifle for protection at home in the Western world, anyhow.

I am really angry at the people who believe in God & think he should be in schools because it's selfish. It is just the most selfish thing I have ever heard! Why is your God better than the God anyone else believes in? What makes your God the 'right' one?? Also, does your God not teach you that he is always with you? I believe he does, because I was brought up to believe in him. You don't need him in schools.

I know that religion is a very controversial subject, so I want to VERY clear. If you believe in Jesus, God, Allah, Buddha, the Universe, or if you don't believe in anything at all, I very, very much believe it is your right to do so, but please don't preach that your beliefs are better than that of anyone else. Please don't try & convince me that if the higher power you believe in was in schools, these horrific acts wouldn't happen.  I think we can pretty much guarantee that on December 14th, Adam Lanza was not thinking about what God would think, I don't think if he believed in God that it would have mattered, because what he did that day, he did with malice. I don't think being taught about God in school would have made him stop & say 'hmmm, maybe I shouldn't massacre 20 innocent children & 6 adults...yeah, that would make God mad'.  You don't need God to know right from wrong.

Morals & ethics are what children need to be taught. They need to be taught the regular subjects, but they need to be taught compassion, the value of another human being, that the real world isn't what you see on tv.  They need real life lessons, let their parents & their religious leaders teach them about God. School isn't supposed to make children feel secluded, putting God in school would do just that.

As for Sandy Hook Elementary, please take the time to remember the name of just one child.  They deserve that. We all know Adam Lanza's name, it will be imprinted in our minds, maybe associating him with the death of a person with a name will have more effect to get things done.  I am remembering Catherine V. Hubbard, 6. I have had her name in my heart since I first saw a list of names, then when I saw a group of pictures I said, I bet she's that beautiful red head. I was just going to let that be her in my heart, until now, I googled her name (so I was sure to be giving her correct age) & I am rather unnerved that she in fact is the beautiful red head. I am shaken to the core. Beautiful, Catherine, I hope justice is served in your name & the name of every other victim of this horrific event.

I don't feel like there is anything I can do to help, since I'm a) Canadian b)just a Stay-at-home-Mom & c)know nothing about what I could do to begin to help...so instead I will sit here ranting on the internet to whoever cares to read it. I hope that justice is carried out in whatever way possible. I hope these victims will be the last we hear of who have their lives taken in such a manner.  I hope....

Stay-at-Home-Mom, I guess?

I love being a mom. This is an indisputable fact, anyone who knows me or simply sees me with Katie would know this, however being a stay-at-home Mom(SAHM) has been a challenge. I have without a doubt very often taken for granted the ability to stay home with our sweet girl.

I have had many days in the last month & a bit where I crave being among co-workers, laughing & talking about something other than Mickey Mouse, peanut butter sandwiches & poop. I long to be in the company of adults, having adult conversation but being at home, with 3 feet of attitude & a side of goofiness, isn't so darn bad.

When I was nearing the end of my maternity leave, I spent nights crying about the return to work. How could I possibly let anyone else look after my sweet child. How could I give up those hugs & kisses. I was almost inconsolable over the idea of going back to my job I loathed, to work 4 weeks & really only bring home pay for 2 because of the cost of daycare. I hated it all. I was so depressed.

Fast forward just under 2 years, I'm no longer depressed. I no longer have a job I loathe, I'm doing what I longed to do. I guess it's just not exactly what I expected. I'm not exactly what I expected. I had grandiose visions of being some Pinterest crazy mom, who actually does that stuff. I thought I would bake with Katie, do fun crafts. I don't really do any of those things.  We read, sing, play & learn together. The TV is always on, it's not always watched but it is always on.  I know it takes away from my candidacy for Mom-of-the-Year, but it's the truth. I can say with confidence that Dora has taught Katie things I would never have thought to teach her.  Hello, counting to 5 in Spanish!?! I assure you, I had nothing to do with that! Yay, Dora!

In the last week I've been noticing all of the Mom's on my Facebook & Twitter. I think of them going to their day jobs, rushing around in the morning to get their kid(s) awake, fed, clean, out the door, possible daycare drop offs, then to work, spending the day doing what all moms do, multi-tasking, your brain never allowed to focus too long on anything without thinking about how your kid(s) are doing, then you have to make sure once again they're fed & clean, possible activities, maybe homework, and then hopefully bed.  I hated that! I hate the idea of it. It makes me antsy. I want to be home with Katie as much as I can, I think it's good for her & I know it's good for me.  I will though, make an effort to find a part-time job soon &send her to daycare a day or two a week. That will be great for both of us. I look forward to it.

I feel very grateful that I have been able to stay home when I physically & mentally needed it most. I believe firmly that the Universe knows what it's doing. I'll figure this career thing out eventually, until then I'm a stay-at-home-mom & proud of it!