Done. Deal.

Today, I had to fight with my mind to do what I wanted to do physically. My 'little' cousin got married in Moncton, I live about an hour & a half away.  Logically, easy peasy, lemon squeezy! In my mind, holy sweet mother of god, I can't possibly do this! IMPOSSIBLE! My heart raced most of the day today. I had few calm moments internally but that doesn't matter now, because I DID IT!!!

I told my Mom, I'm feeling anxious today, she said, so am I, then we walked in together. She gives me more strength than I let on.

I sat among my family and also, a bunch of strangers & watched my cousin get married. I cried tears of happiness for him(shocking, I know). I was there. That means a lot to me.

I, also, went to the crowded, hot, sticky mall. I miss Champlain Place, but today, like so many others when we lived in Moncton, caused me to feel antsy & unsettled. I did it though...

I'm finding strength in myself that I didn't know I had.  It's surprising....it is also hard to process, because I'm realizing that I've allowed myself to become a victim of my depression & anxiety. I let them 'be' Paula.  Who are you? I'm depressed & anxious.  My realization is that I'm not depression & anxiety. I'm just not & it won't win. Done. Deal.