The Right People.

I just saw this on Facebook & it summed up perfectly how I've been feeling the last few weeks. I miss my Right People, I don't have many of them around anymore. Why are Montreal & Calgary so far away?

On a regular basis I am with other mothers - they're a great bunch of women who outside of our children I have nothing in common with. I'm not like the other playgroup moms, I know that, I feel it, it hangs over me like a surprisingly heavy curtain. It's my reminder that although we get along when we are together for the sake of our children, I'm not ever going to be one of them. None of these women would ever do anything to make me feel out of place & I don't want it to ever seem like they have but I'm a realist, I'm not naive to my surroundings.

I guess part of being the very liberal, tattooed, Atheist, hippie mom who says fuck a lot is accepting that you aren't always going to easily find your 'Right People'. Some days that is a much easier pill to swallow than others.

I don't know how to find people who are like me, I mean, honestly I don't think a lot of people are actually like me, I'm a bit of a one off. People who love me just get me, they not only know but expect me to be passionate, loud, quirky, goofy, stubborn, potty-mouthed, loving, compassionate combined with a slew of other equally wonderful & potentially loathsome characteristics.

I miss the comfort of just laying my honest truth on someone & knowing they aren't going to judge me no matter what I say. I miss laughing so hard (over the simplest thing) that my face hurts, my stomach is cramped & we've both snort laughed. I miss being out & about with a friend who I can give that sideways 'did you see/hear/smell that' look to & then see how long we can hold in the laughter when we get on the same page. Truthfully, I miss being the presence of a friend who can tell me that I'm being an unreasonable asshole & know that it's coming from a place of love.

You may learn in school that Canada is 9.9 million sq. kms or simply that it's the second largest in the world but you can't understand the greatness of that until your Right People are spread out along those kilometers. 

Believe me when I say, Canada is a huge country & I miss my Right People. 

Bitch, Please

My tolerance for bullshit has maxed out, as has my tolerance for bullies, jackasses, douchecanoes & nasty ass psycho cunts who need a punch in the face.

I am a hippie. I promote non-violence, I believe words can be more powerful than anything else but damn, some people just really need a punch in the face.

I can't rid myself completely of the bully, I've done all I can to rid myself of her but it's not something that is 100% possible.

Can you imagine that someone called the police on me? ME?! I've been stewing on this for a week & a half, I wasn't going to say anything to anyone, but I just want to explode. My bully called the police on me & said that I've been harassing her via text messages & Facebook, she said that I trespassed on her property when I was actually there helping someone else.

I don't know her cell phone number & she's blocked from my Facebook, someone please explain to me how I'm supposed to harass someone that I have no means of contacting? I surely do not know. She, however, has used someone else's cell phone to attack me. She has used her own Facebook & sent Jeff a message warning me to never step foot on her property again. I'm not saying I'm innocent in all of this because I did say some very ugly things when I was being attacked but this is beyond excessive.

I will also fully claim responsibility for sending the first Facebook message when I felt someone I love very much was being attacked in many ways. We had it out on Facebook in January, she & I, then I blocked her. JANUARY. I have not contacted her since then but I am harassing her. Bitch, please.

On Friday, August 15th I answered the door to a police officer who said " I'm here about X & some texts messages you've sent her" - the first words out of my mouth to the Constable were 'I fucking knew it'. You see, the night before she had read a text message that I sent to the person in the middle that said I would call the police on her if she harassed me again, I scared her. She wasn't so tough when being threatened with real action, because she knows she's in the wrong. She knows. So she wanted to draw first blood & called the police so she wouldn't look like the crazy bitch that she really is. She wanted to look like a victim, because that's her bag. She is a victim in every scenario in her life while she points fingers at everyone else for being 'so mean to her & her family'. Perhaps, just perhaps, if you try being nice to people & treat them with respect regardless of how much money they have, you will get respect in return. Just a concept. I dunno. Seems to work for most people but what do I know, I'm just a 'fat bitch' 'nut job' who is 'mentally imbalanced' & who can't hold a job because I'd have 'a mental breakdown'. Yes, she's that kind of mean.

Her words used to cut like a knife, now they're like gun powder. She just gives me more reason to dislike her & pity her for having that much negativity in her soul. I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through life so angry; to always think people are out to get you even when they really aren't at all, it must be exhausting.  I'm so glad I'm not her, so very very glad. I wouldn't want to be angry at people all the time, to go out of my way to cause others stress, it just seems so time consuming & foolish to me. You can silently hate someone...it's okay...most people do & I wish she'd learn this technique.

I should hate her. I want so very badly to hate her. I don't hate her, however. I do dislike her as much as I can but I can't hate her. I think she needs help. She's mentally unstable & needs help, I fully believe that. She's the absolute most paranoid person I've ever met. She literally thinks people are out to get her, that people talk about her when they aren't, she thinks everything is about her. She has rage issues, I mean, I can really lose my cool, but I have never seen anything like her in my life. I, once, stopped her from falling in a fire while she was drunk & raging, she looked at me & said 'don't touch me you fat bitch'. She is the meanest of mean but I still don't hate her. I want her to get help & maybe just one EXTREMELY deserved punch in the face.

The 100% honest truth about all of this, however, is that this more than being angry or vengeful about it, this situation makes me very sad & I truly hope somehow (even though I can't imagine any way here or on any alternate universe that it could happen) things work out positively.

One thing that I know for sure is that I will no longer tolerate any further harassment from her. I have the Constable's number & I'll gladly call him. 

She'll never have friends with a weird mom like me.

Two weeks ago I stepped outside my comfort zone - way outside. I sent Facebook inbox messages to two moms that I know a bit, inviting each of them over with their daughters for a play date with Katie & I. One mom replied that she'd love to, the other mom (who was online a lot that day & I know saw the message) didn't even bother to reply.

I set up & had a wonderful play date with the mother who did reply but for two weeks the mother who didn't reply has been on my mind. A constant barrage of unanswered & often irrational questions & thoughts. Why didn't she reply? What about me doesn't she like? Am I always going to cost Katie friends? I'm definitely going to be the reason she doesn't have friends. Why can't I just be like everyone else? Poor Katie, why does she have to have such a weird mother? I wish I was just normal.

I, honestly, expect to be the reason she doesn't have certain friends in her lifetime.

I am not your average person, most definitely not your average Miramichier & I know that. I tend to think outside the box more than most people. I try hard not to judge people on their outer shell, because all too often it really is just a shell & once you crack it, there's so much beauty. I believe passionately in equality & justice. I get fired up over injustice & judgment. I'm a hippie, I know people have their ideas about what a hippie is, but in my soul, that's just who I am. I wear bright clothes, I talk too loudly, I swear too much, I don't believe in god but I believe it's your right to if you so choose, I think all love is equal, babies need love not parents of both genders, I am pro-choice & that doesn't mean I'm pro-abortion, Climate change is happening, SCIENCE MATTERS, marijuana shouldn't be illegal & Americans need better gun control.

There are people in my life that I have plenty of reasons to hate but there is no single person that I actually hate. Not one. I believe to hate is to actually wish ill for another person or to be happy if something unfortunate were to happen to them, I don't have anyone in my life like that. I can't hold hate in my heart. That's not saying that there aren't people I dislike a lot, people I never want to be around EVER but I don't hate them.

For two weeks, these have been the thoughts in my head, I've been reviewing what I believe, am I too vocal about it, should I tone down who I am, maybe I should talk less about being atheist or maybe anyone who doesn't like me for who I am can kiss my ass?? Yeah, we're going to go with the latter. That was the grand conclusion of my two weeks of soul searching.

I like who I am, I like the person I'm becoming, I like the lessons I'm teaching my daughter & the person she's becoming as a result. So what if I don't believe in god - I believe in right & wrong, I'm pro-choice - you don't have to choose to have an abortion, I'm 100%  for gay rights - chances are someone you love is gay & you just don't know it, legalizing marijuana - people are going to buy & smoke it either way but only one is good for the economy. I like making up silly songs about everything I do, I like dancing randomly in public & not caring at all, I like not being so wrapped up in what other people think because their opinions of me do not matter.

Hindsight has shown me that the mom who didn't reply did me a huge favour, I went from feeling really terrible about myself for not being accepted by her to realizing that it's okay because I truly like who I am & the values I have.

She's still on my Facebook & may very well see this after I share it but I don't care either way. Hopefully she'll realize that basic etiquette can go a long way.

New Experiences

It's been over a week that I've been very seriously looking for a job & so far...nothing...I've had a lead or two, sent off my resume to a few places, but I haven't heard back from anyone yet. I feel sad today.  I just feel sad. Looking for work does that to me...it makes me feel less than...I don't know why I take it so personally, but I do.

I've been doing a fairly good job of staying positive but today I'm all off kilter. I feel antsy & out of sorts today, the way a teenager does before writing a final exam, thinking I'm doing my best but still so unsure. The outcome yet to be determined. I hate it. My mind is going a million miles a minute & it's paralyzing. What if...what if...what if...Anxiety Girl!!! Able to jump to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound!!!! DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!!!

I've been thinking that I need to learn how to meditate. My mind would probably benefit from it a lot. I'm very hyper, y'know in case you hadn't noticed., and I'd like to relax my mind. I'm easily stressed out, I'm high strung, & loud....I'd like to find some peace in my own head. I'm not exactly sure where to begin though.

I know I need exercise too, but I'm finding it absolutely impossible to convince myself to exercise. I'm in a bit of a catch 22 - I haven't been doing it because I rarely feel well, but I rarely feel well because I don't do it. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me started but I need to get there. I want to get there...I'm excited about getting healthy, I just wish all of my body would agree.

Something I'm only just realizing is that I'm not only needing to get back to work, I want to get back to work. I'm excited to make new friendships, to meet new people, to learn new things! I am SO excited to learn new things!! My mind is eager for more than ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle & 'Hola, soy Dora'! I'm abundantly grateful for the time I've had home & ideally I'd like to find a way for it to continue part-time but I'm just so eager to have some new experiences.

I'm opening myself up to you, Universe. I've made it clear what I want, I have faith that things will work out the way they should.

Old 'friend'

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
I've felt you lurking in the shadows
Waiting to catch me off guard

Today, my guard was down
I didn't know it though
Life can surprise you, old 'friend'

I feel you wrapping your arms around me
It makes me uneasy & unsettled
You are unwanted & unexpected

The tears flow like the Nile
Fast & free
Nature letting them do what they must

I'm scared of you old 'friend'
Please leave me be

I've worked too hard to set you free
I've worked too hard to let you win
But I don't know if I can do it again

I don't know how to to fight it off
This overwhelming feeling that I can't do it
I don't know how to do it again

The future so uncertain
The unknown, my biggest fear

Go away, old 'friend', go away....

The fear of food

I nag, bitch & whine a lot..so I accept a part of the responsibility for my not feeling well. Negative energy dwelling within me is partly to blame, but I don't know how to get out.

I am so very tired. It has been about 3 months since I've felt well. I am worn out.

When we finally figured out lactose intolerance was an issue, I was bummed out but was happy for a diagnosis. Now, I just have no idea what's wrong.

My NP has sent off a req for me to have blood work done for a milk allergy. She has also referred me to a general surgeon to have scopes done. Everything moves so slowly at our hospital & I just want to feel better now! 

I'm really irritable & pretty damn miserable to be around most of the time. I'm tired of being a bitch!

I, now, am deathly afraid of all things dairy.  To be honest, I'm afraid of most food. I'd sooner not eat than risk feeling the way I did last weekend & the one before that.

Food has become the enemy. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to eat. I really don't think there is any magic menu plan that is going to work all the time. I have IBS, it's very nature is to be predictably unpredictable, so I expect there to be bad days/weeks. I just want to be able to function.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. If I eat, I'm sick, if I don't eat, somehow, I'm sick. I am way too familiar with both washrooms in our house. I'm tired of living in the bathroom. I'm tired of saying to Katie umpteen times a day 'Mommy's going to the bathroom, come see me if you need anything'. I'm tired of Katie feeling like she needs to make me feel better. It breaks my heart.

I'm really glad though that through this all, I haven't slipped back into my depression, because all the usual triggers are there. Exhaustion, stress, not being able to control what's going on with my innards, but I'm pretty convinced that depression doesn't get to come back without a fight.

I want to be able to feel better through positivity. I want to be able to at least have a good mental attitude about all of this but I'm so deep in the negativity that I really don't feel like it's going to get better or easier. That bothers me...I try to not focus on the negative as being the absolute only option but here I am, doing just that...I wish I could figure out how to change that