Absence

Absence makes the heart grow fonder - or does it?

Absence sometimes allows for time for personal reflection that doesn't allow for fondness. It brings ups things you had forgotten or shoved aside as it being just the way 'x' is. Why though? Why does 'x' get to treat you differently than you'd expect others to treat you?

I've had a significant amount of absence in the last 3.5 yrs by someone I never ever in my life expected to be absent. Someone who if you'd have told me 5 years ago wouldn't speak to me off & on for most of 3.5 yrs, I would've wagered everything I had on you being wrong. It was unfathomable to me & it truly still is that this person is 100% not a part of my life or the lives of my children.

I'm not at all claiming to be without blame, I know I'm not perfect or even close but the pain this person has caused me, it tears me up more than I admit to anyone. I just don't get how shutting down communication fixes anything.

I spent my entire life doing what I could for this person. I don't know how so many years of tirelessly trying to make someone else's life better is immediately forgotten. I don't get that. All of the love, the laughs, the memories, most days I wish I could just erase it all because it wouldn't hurt so much.

When people talk to me about this person I just want to scream that I don't care & don't want to know. I don't want this person to know about my life either because they made a choice to not be a part of it. Instead, I just listen, smile & make polite comments.

It really is funny how you can give up so much for other people only to have them treat you like you no longer matter.

You can expect it from some people but not usually your family.

My heart hurts, I miss what I thought I had & I'm heartbroken for what I really can't see us ever having again.

Emotional Dam.....

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm tired. I'm scared.

I'm really just fed up with people I love having to go through such hardships. I'm tired of it. I'm angry that people who don't deserve to go through things just keep getting slammed with bigger things. I'm scared that I could lose people I love. I'm so very sad that they have to deal with more.

Cancer. Everyone knows someone who has had it or who has a close family member affected by it. Everyone. That is so messed up. How is it still so rampant? I just want it to go away & leave my loved ones alone.

I try so hard to stay positive for the people around me who have their doubts & fears, I try but inside I'm so scared.  I'm scared I won't be able to be strong for the people who need me. I'm scared I'll crack in front of the people affected. I'm scared that treatment won't work & I just....I just can't deal with that....

I've been holding it all back but today the emotional dam is cracking & I don't know how much longer it'll hold up. I feel like crying won't solve anything here though & I don't know if I can stop myself once I start.

I'm so angry. I want to yell, swear, punch & throw things but that won't solve anything. My loved ones will still have Cancer & I can't do anything to help them. I hate that, I like to fix problems for people I love & there is absolutely nothing I can do for them.


And the emotional dam just busted wide open...I just cried so hard that no sound was even coming out...this shatters my heart & I'm no where near as strong as I'm pretending to be but I'll build a new dam. I'll keep a brave face & I'll fake positivity because it's what I do. It'll all be alright because in the end things always work out or some other bullshit I'll try to serve up later....