Lucky to have had her....

I consider myself to be very lucky in some parts of life, one of them is that I was raised in a family with a village mentality. I didn't grow up with just my parents loving me the way parents do, I was lucky enough to have three Aunts who I was/am very close with - my Mom's sisters Jackie & Beulah, (who we all call Aunt Boo) & also, my Dad's sister Donna.

These three women have loved me unconditionally & I don't know where I'd be in life without their love. Sadly, however, I've lost two of them; my Aunt Jackie passed away when I was 20 weeks pregnant with Katie & my Aunt Donna passed away two days ago, while I'm 38 weeks pregnant.

Losing someone you love that much is hard, but losing them while carrying a child you know they would've given the same amount of love to is even harder.

My Aunt Donna was told a year ago that she had about three months to live, so I knew that the chances of her meeting my son were slim, but she fought so hard & made it so long that I had hope. In fact the night before she died I told Jeff that I was so excited that she had lived long enough to meet our boy, since we're having him this week. I felt such relief knowing that she'd at least get to meet him once but I was wrong & my heart is so broken over it.

She was the best person I've ever known, the kindest, warmest, most loving person. She could fill any space with her love just by walking into a room. She always tried to find the best in people even when others couldn't. She treated everyone she met with kindness & she was so appreciative of the people in her life.

I've never known love like the love she gave me, it was more than unconditional, it was all encompassing, it filled your soul, your heart, your mind. It made you feel like you were the only person that mattered to her in that moment.

She is the only person who would tell me that I'm beautiful even when I looked my absolute worst & I knew without a doubt that she meant it. She saw things in me so many times that I didn't see in myself. She often loved me more than I loved myself & always made sure I knew how much she loved me.

Knowing this day was coming, I've tried to prepare myself many times, but there's just no way to prepare yourself to lose a part of your foundation. She was more than just an Aunt, she was MY Aunt, she was the biggest, brightest light, the deepest love, the loudest laugh, she was a part of my heart. She meant so much to so many people who now feel broken because she's gone.

I don't know how to reconcile the fact that I'll never get another one of her amazing hugs, I'll never have her grab my face & kiss me again - how is that possible? I want it all to just be a really bad dream.

My father told me once that his grandmother told him that people need to leave this world in order to make room for others. I've tried so hard to find solace in that since this week I've not only lost part of my heart but a new part of it will be born. Maybe she was making room for my boy to come into the world, I hope somehow he has a heart like hers - strong & full of unconditional love for others.

She was an incredibly strong woman too. She lost my Uncle Harvey 18 years ago & instead of falling apart, she became fiercely independent. She got her license in her early 50's, then not too long after drove from New Brunswick to Ontario, because she was, in my opinion, fearless & absolutely tough as nails. It was a trip she took many times after as well. I'll always be in awe of that.

I know her love will always be with me & I'm grateful she's no longer in pain, but there is a gaping hole in my heart that will take a very long time to heal. People like her don't come along every day, so I consider myself to be extremely lucky to not only have known her to to have been her niece.

I hope she's happy where ever she is now & I hope she knows that no one could have asked for her to be any better of a person than she was, because I think she was the best & so many others agree.

I'll love & miss her forever but I know she'd be so upset with me for crying over her being gone, so I'll try my best to just remember her happy days & to remember that her love hasn't ended just because she isn't with us physically.  Believe me...I'll always know how lucky I was to have her.

Last-ditch effort

You come to a point in your life when you realize you are only in control of your actions & not the action or reaction of anyone else.

I've done all I can at this point to fix a situation that breaks my heart.

I'm a forgiver, that is my nature. Chances are you will have to do me wrong many times before I write you off completely, then maybe a time or two after that. I don't forget, however. I'm not sure the person on the other end of this situation realizes that. I've forgiven a lot of wrongs. I've given a lot of myself, my time, my love, my compassion, I've been broken-hearted for this person more times than I can count.

I'm always there.

Except this time. I wasn't able to be there. I wasn't able to do what was asked of me. I had said I would when put on the spot, then backed out when I realized I couldn't do it without causing myself more stress than I could handle.

What this person probably doesn't realize & possibly doesn't care about, but depression & anxiety have been major factors in my life the last two months. I couldn't do what was asked of me because of it.

Anxiety is my arch-nemesis. It is with me during every breathe, whisper & thought. It is slowly ramping back up, but I'm fighting it this time. I feel anxious & still do a lot of things because I have to but the extras don't happen much because I'm too anxious.

I feel as if my life will forever be altered because of it but I start counseling in two weeks. There is hope.

I will never forget this period of time. I've pushed people away by being unable to be social, unable to function like a 'normal' person. I love the idea of going out with my bff for a drink, a coffee or even just a drive but how many times have I cancelled because of anxiety? More than I can count - that's how many.

Now, it has caused me to make a decision for myself that hurt someone I love a lot.

Someone who is very different from me & who sees & feels things in a different way than I do. I'm trying to process that. I'm trying to allow myself to understand how anyone could be this upset for as long as it has been. Knowing the fragility of life & how easily people can be taken from you. I just can't understand that part....but that's maybe because I forgive too easily. I'm softer. My heart feels things differently. My heart is completely broken. I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused but I'm not sorry for doing what I needed to for me. I can't be sorry for that.

I'm not looking for sympathy but just a bit of understanding....