Trying my best

October 6, 2015 Jeff & I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary at the hospital by welcoming our son into the world.

It has been a wild 17 weeks to say the least. I had forgotten how much sleep deprivation hurts. You get to the point where you are so tired that you're nauseous but still you trudge along because you have no choice.

I fought a hard battle with postpartum depression & anxiety after I had Katie. I wanted to believe I could avoid that this time, but I was wrong.

Currently, I'm in the midst of postpartum depression, my anxiety has been flaring up & I hate it. 

This time I knew the signs & symptoms though, I knew how bad it could get if I tried to pretend I'm not feeling this way and also, this time I refuse go down without a fight.

There are many days when I just want to shut the world out. I don't want to talk on the phone or text anyone, but I tell myself at least texting is quiet.. There are days when my anxiety kicks me so hard that I'm short fused & snippy with Katie for just being a 5 yr old, but when I realize I'm wrong I apologize to her & we snuggle. There are days when the thought of leaving the house makes me uneasy, so I try to get dressed & go.

Having two kids has been a huge adjustment, especially since they both want to be on me a lot of the time. I miss personal space. I miss the quiet. I miss feeling like I've got a grip on thing.

I'll beat this depression again, I have confidence that will happen. Right now though - I'm just trying my best.

A month of missing you

A month... 30ish days.

I've thought about her a lot & also, not at all. Those are my two gears for grieving while being a mom to a newborn.

I allow my grief to consume me for a very short spurt, then I shut it off. It's the only way I know how to deal with it. I don't have the time to be as sad as I really want to allow myself to be. I don't have time for grief - I have a 4 week old son & a 5.5 yr old spitfire little girl to look after.

Sometimes she comes into my thoughts & I can't imagine that this is anything more than a bad dream. It doesn't feel real to me. I have no closure.

No one knows how hard it was for me to be in the hospital with my brand new baby while my family was saying their final goodbyes to her. I wanted to be there to say goodbye, to tell her I love her, to tell anyone who was there how special she was.

It just doesn't feel real to me because I was so removed from everything while experiencing such joy from Jamie's birth. It was the hardest most bittersweet week, I wanted so badly to be in two places at once.

How can it be a month already? It feels like it was just yesterday that I opened my door, saw Scott there...and knew.  Wasn't it just yesterday?

I think about her laugh a lot. I don't ever want to forget it. It was one of a kind, like her.

I look forward to the day when it hurts a bit less but until then, I'll use my two gears. Time to turn it off for now but I love you, Aunt Donna.

Catch me.

This carousel spins round 'n round
My head spins too

The horses go up & down
Like the ebb & flow of my emotions

Hanging on tightly to the reins
For fear of falling

If I fall...
I just can't

Hanging on tighter still
Refusing to fall

How long does this carousel spin
Because I'm done with this fear

I loosen my grip
Knowing if I fall, he's there to catch me.

And that makes all the difference.

Lucky to have had her....

I consider myself to be very lucky in some parts of life, one of them is that I was raised in a family with a village mentality. I didn't grow up with just my parents loving me the way parents do, I was lucky enough to have three Aunts who I was/am very close with - my Mom's sisters Jackie & Beulah, (who we all call Aunt Boo) & also, my Dad's sister Donna.

These three women have loved me unconditionally & I don't know where I'd be in life without their love. Sadly, however, I've lost two of them; my Aunt Jackie passed away when I was 20 weeks pregnant with Katie & my Aunt Donna passed away two days ago, while I'm 38 weeks pregnant.

Losing someone you love that much is hard, but losing them while carrying a child you know they would've given the same amount of love to is even harder.

My Aunt Donna was told a year ago that she had about three months to live, so I knew that the chances of her meeting my son were slim, but she fought so hard & made it so long that I had hope. In fact the night before she died I told Jeff that I was so excited that she had lived long enough to meet our boy, since we're having him this week. I felt such relief knowing that she'd at least get to meet him once but I was wrong & my heart is so broken over it.

She was the best person I've ever known, the kindest, warmest, most loving person. She could fill any space with her love just by walking into a room. She always tried to find the best in people even when others couldn't. She treated everyone she met with kindness & she was so appreciative of the people in her life.

I've never known love like the love she gave me, it was more than unconditional, it was all encompassing, it filled your soul, your heart, your mind. It made you feel like you were the only person that mattered to her in that moment.

She is the only person who would tell me that I'm beautiful even when I looked my absolute worst & I knew without a doubt that she meant it. She saw things in me so many times that I didn't see in myself. She often loved me more than I loved myself & always made sure I knew how much she loved me.

Knowing this day was coming, I've tried to prepare myself many times, but there's just no way to prepare yourself to lose a part of your foundation. She was more than just an Aunt, she was MY Aunt, she was the biggest, brightest light, the deepest love, the loudest laugh, she was a part of my heart. She meant so much to so many people who now feel broken because she's gone.

I don't know how to reconcile the fact that I'll never get another one of her amazing hugs, I'll never have her grab my face & kiss me again - how is that possible? I want it all to just be a really bad dream.

My father told me once that his grandmother told him that people need to leave this world in order to make room for others. I've tried so hard to find solace in that since this week I've not only lost part of my heart but a new part of it will be born. Maybe she was making room for my boy to come into the world, I hope somehow he has a heart like hers - strong & full of unconditional love for others.

She was an incredibly strong woman too. She lost my Uncle Harvey 18 years ago & instead of falling apart, she became fiercely independent. She got her license in her early 50's, then not too long after drove from New Brunswick to Ontario, because she was, in my opinion, fearless & absolutely tough as nails. It was a trip she took many times after as well. I'll always be in awe of that.

I know her love will always be with me & I'm grateful she's no longer in pain, but there is a gaping hole in my heart that will take a very long time to heal. People like her don't come along every day, so I consider myself to be extremely lucky to not only have known her to to have been her niece.

I hope she's happy where ever she is now & I hope she knows that no one could have asked for her to be any better of a person than she was, because I think she was the best & so many others agree.

I'll love & miss her forever but I know she'd be so upset with me for crying over her being gone, so I'll try my best to just remember her happy days & to remember that her love hasn't ended just because she isn't with us physically.  Believe me...I'll always know how lucky I was to have her.

Hurting heart.

My head is all over the place these days. I'm 28.5 weeks pregnant, my aunt's cancer is progressing & my brother hasn't really spoken to me since April, when we spoke for a few days but it had been 2 months of not speaking prior to that.

My heart hurts. A lot.

I don't know how to reconcile losing my aunt, the day is coming, it could still be many weeks away but it has never felt so imminent & real.

I love her so much & I don't want her to suffer, but I'm angry that we are going to be without her in our lives.

I want my brother to be here for me now, I want to go through this together. He is the only other person who loves our Aunt like I do. I want to have him hug me while letting me cry & snot all over his shirt. I need him but he isn't a part of my life now. He made that choice, I didn't. He has shut me out. I don't know what I've done to make him think I deserve this but it hurts & I'm so incredibly tired of it hurting.

I feel like protecting my sanity & telling him how I feel about the decisions he's made have caused him to shut me out. If that's how it has to be then I can't do anything about that. I can't change how I feel & I refuse to let anyone else's life decisions affect my life that much ever again. I did that for too many years.

Anyone who knows me well, knows how much love I have for my brother & have always had. We were as close as two siblings could be, that makes this wedge between us so much harder for me to handle.

I just keep thinking how does he not care enough about me to call or text me. How can he be ok with us not being in contact with each other? How is it even possible? I've made a few attempts by texting him but he hasn't replied. I don't understand it at all. I can't understand it because I'd never shut him out, no matter what.

My heart hurts so much but I can't fix any of this.

Wrecking ball to the soul.

Sometimes in life you have to learn to roll with the punches, even when the punches feel like a wrecking ball to your soul.

My Dad's sister has terminal cancer. We've all known since October when she was told she only had three months, thankfully she's already been with us twice as long as expected but the cancer has spread.

Although, I'm not her child she has always made me feel like I could be. She has always made me feel more than just loved, she has made me feel wanted, appreciated & seen.

I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with the inevitable. I don't know how to let her go & I just plainly don't want to.

Jeff & I went to visit her tonight, it was long overdue. We talked for a long time about so many different things - some happy, some sad, some real truths that I was unaware of.

Since finding out that she is terminal, I've learned more about her than I had ever imagined. I'm grateful for the chance to have these moments with her but I always imagined her being old & telling me these things, not now before she's even 70.

Knowing someone you love like a second mother is dying is hard to process. I can't begin to imagine the pain my cousins feel knowing that this rotten disease is going to take their mom from them.

She's my Dad's baby sister, she's my Mom's best friend, she is like a sister to all of my mother's sisters & she's the world to my Uncle. She is loved beyond measure.

I don't know how to deal with the aching I feel daily in my heart knowing that not only I but so many people I love are going to lose her & the heartache is going to be unbearable. It honestly already is & she's still with us.

Tonight, when we visited I asked her how she's dealing with it all & then I cried while telling her how very much I love her. She kept telling me how much she loves me & I assured her that I've always known without a doubt how much love she has for me. That's partly why this is so hard. She is epitome of love. That's irreplaceable.

I plan to visit her as often as possible, to surround her with love as much as I can. After all she has given me in life, she deserves to always know & feel how much I appreciate her & will always love her.

Family can be hard to deal with, family can hurt you worse than anyone else but if there is love, that needs to be the focus. Love your family, hug them, appreciate them, tell them how you feel. Nothing is guaranteed so forgive their shortcomings & above all else - hold on to love.

I refuse to fix it this time

My heart & head have been hurting for a while - when someone you love isn't who you thought they were, it can take a while to reconcile the truth from the illusion. That's what I've been trying to do.

When someone you love doesn't care enough about you or others you love to be truthful, respectful & sensible. You have to eventually stop allowing that person into your space.

It's so hard to do, you can't shut off love, especially when it's family. My anger & disappointment don't cancel out my love or my wishing things could be different but for my self respect, I have to walk away.

Problems that aren't mine for years have taken over my life when this person needed me. Countless hours on the telephone, in person & online listening to the horror stories of how this person was being treated so poorly but wanted their partner to take them back. I consoled, I bitched, I gave my unfiltered opinions, I defended this person, but for what?  I'm so very angry.

I don't know when I've ever before been so deeply hurt. I don't know how to deal with the pain I feel or how to deal with the absence of this person in my life. I'm so incredibly pained by the lack of concern for others being shown by this person. People who have loved & supported them have just been shut out while this person makes possible life altering decisions for someone who would toss them away like a piece of useless trash.

I just can't reconcile the whole thing & it's taking over my spare quiet moments when I have time to think. It's making me spontaneously cry when I least expect it. It's making me angry.

I just know that I deserve better from this person. So very much better & I won't accept less ever again. I'm not a doormat, I'm not someone to use when needed & then ignore when 'life is good', I'm not here just for this person, I expect them to be here for me when needed too. That hasn't happened in a very, very long time.

So, as much love as I feel, the hurt & anger are taking over & I'm not sure how repairable that is. I'm done letting anyone, even family treat me like I'm only important when they need me.

I guess what I'm saying is that I refuse to fix it this time.