Avoidance

As a fat person, I often don't really look at myself. I mean, really, straight into my own eyes, look at myself. The kind of looking at myself that would make me see my faults & have to acknowledge them. Yeah, that. I don't do it. Do you? I wonder if I'm alone in this or if it's just human nature. Stop looking at what you don't want to see. Avoidance! Let it reign supreme! It does in my world most of the time or it did...

Jeff & I have been on this lifestyle change journey for about 4.5 months, the people we've become already is surprising to me so I cannot imagine what's ahead for us. Since the end of September we've lost a combined total of more than 100lbs. That is insane! I wish I could say it's 50/50ish, but it's 60/40ish. I'm not ashamed of that though, how could I be! I've lost 42lbs so far, Jeff has lost 61lbs. I look healthier but holy cow, he looks like a different person.

We were looking at our wedding pictures yesterday with Katie since she loves to look at them. Neither of us could even remember looking remotely like that. When we started losing weight 4.5 months ago, we were already both a lot smaller than we were 6 years ago. Jeff had to be 100lbs heavier then than he his now, without a doubt, I know I was at least 80lbs heavier but we didn't see it. Avoidance.

It makes me sad when I think about how much of my life I've wasted being fat. No, morbidly obese. Let's call a spade a spade. I don't know why I didn't love myself enough to care. I can remember all too well, not being able to find shirts long enough to really cover my belly the way it should be covered. I remember having to squeeze into the largest size pants at Penningtons & they were tight. I can remember looking at myself in the mirror & wondering who that girl was looking back at me.  The moon face partially from a year of prednisone, partially from non-stop McDonald's & Burger King. Deep fried whatever at 2am after we got home from work. I didn't wear make-up anymore because I didn't see the point, I couldn't look nice no matter what. I was the queen of the ratty ponytail, oversized Pooh hoodie & jeans. I just didn't care about myself at all. I was avoiding the work I knew it would take.

I can't ever go back to being that person. It's not fair to do that to anyone in my life but most importantly it's horrible to do it to myself. I refuse to be a poor role model for Katie when it comes to nutrition. I may not end up being a health nut but I can guarantee you that my child will know how to prepare a healthy meal & that treats are just that.

I really feel so much better about myself these days. I look myself in the eyes from time to time when I'm feeling brave. I've never felt brave before...

This was what we looked like on October 6, 2006...never again