Once an atheist, always an atheist? Maybe not...

For many years now I've identified myself as an Atheist because I don't believe in the bible, Jesus or religion. It was something that was hard to admit to myself & then even harder to admit to family. My parents were heartbroken, as if I failed them or they failed me, when it wasn't about any of that at all - I just couldn't pretend anymore.

I've never been one of those atheist who would tell someone they are wrong for believing in any of it but just that I don't believe in it. I've always been one to think, if it brings you peace & doesn't harm or hinder anyone else, believe in monkeys for all I care; whereas I know so many people automatically assume all atheist hate people who believe & think they're idiots for it.  I can't say that I understand how people can believe in a book written according to disciples thousands of years ago when a game of telephone with 15 people can't get a message across a room correctly or that I can understand people who say they do things that are hateful in the name of God but I by no means assume every Christian to be the same.

I don't really know when I stopped believing in Jesus, maybe I always had doubts but my young mind wouldn't go there because we went to church as kids, Sunday school, I was confirmed, the whole nine yards & I felt like I had to believe in it all. I think I wanted to really believe in it all but eventually my lack of faith in the unseen & my lack of feeling connected lead me to my current truths about religion.

I've been thinking about god lately though & my beliefs; I think I'm more Agnostic than Atheist because although I do not for one second believe in Jesus, I truly do believe there is something bigger than all of us.

There is a force in this world, some just call it the Universe, directing the ebbs & flows of our lives, the energy we put in & give out, it comes back to us. I believe in that with everything I am & all that I have. I believe if you work hard enough & believe in something with enough positive energy, good things will come to you. I believe we control our destiny with the way we think & the energy we put out into the world. If we hold on to negative feelings & energy they will fester in unimaginable ways. That's partly why I'm so glad that I'm not one to hold grudges, they're bad for your health & mental well-being but also because you can't have a positive life & be a negative person.

Being pregnant with our second child is what made me start to question my beliefs again. How could I think there isn't something bigger than us when I was told by so many Doctors that I'd have a hard time getting pregnant & I'm going to have a second child? I have to believe that this is part of a bigger plan, that this baby, much like it's big sister, came to us because I felt like it was something I wanted. Neither of our children were planned but they both happened around times when I spent an inordinate amount of free time looking at baby clothes, baby names & seeing myself holding newborns. I can understand how kooky that all sounds but it's my truth. I knew that this baby was going to happen because of the way it's sister happened. There was no real reason for me to be able to get pregnant the first time & plenty of mothers struggle the second time, but my body did what I didn't think it could do, twice. If that's not something bigger than all of us, I don't know what is but I'm not comfortable calling that something god or Jesus.

I don't know what I'll tell Katie when she starts encountering people who believe in god openly because she knows nothing about god or religion at this point in her life. I'm okay with that because I want her to grow to learn things that interest her & feel right for her, I don't want religious guilt to hang over her if she doesn't believe what she's being taught. I want her to question things & know that whatever she chooses to believe in whether it be Jesus, Allah, Buddha or nothing at all, I'm okay with it & her decisions as long as she's a good person. I don't believe morals need to be attached to religion, because there are so many religious people who are very immoral & hypocritical. I want her to know that right & wrong are all that matter in life, the spiritual being she believes in doesn't change right & wrong. I want her to believe in love, kindness & acceptance.

I really feel like allowing myself to feel a connection to the Universe & accepting that I do believe in something bigger than all of us gives me a peace of mind that I've been missing. So, peace & love once again reign supreme in my life. Thank you, Universe for all you have given me.

Kiss my...

I was told today essentially that my wallowing in self-pity & not bettering my chances at a good career through a  university education are the reason things aren't exactly as I want them on life.

It really pissed me off & hurt me.

I have always realized that my life is as it is because of the decisions I've made in life.

Sometimes, though you make decisions that suck for the short term but the long term benefits are what matter.

Miramichi is a prime example of that. Right now, it sucks hard core! Long term, life will be good. So, my complaining about not finding a job wouldn't be resolved by moving to another town to find work, as suggested.

I removed this person from my Facebook after an argument that also was very much differing points of views but I felt it got personal. I then received an inbox message where she ranted on about my life decisions holding me back. I had a lengthy reply typed up, I was about to hit send when I realized it was pointless. I deleted my reply & let this person know that what they think of me doesn't matter & they could kiss my ever shrinking ass. Send.

I have never had a time when I really didn't care what another person thought of me. I wouldn't want anyone to stay mad at me, so I generally apologize immediately. Today, it's different. I'm me. Take it or leave it. I whine, bitch & moan but I also thank the Universe daily for the gifts I have. I know who I am better than anyone else & I'm ok with her.

Well shit!

I start work in about 3 weeks. I am freaking the Feck out!

Does it matter that it's a call center? I don't know. It's not the job I want, I mean, I REALLY don't want it but I will go & do my best.  I can't half-ass it. There's no point in that & I'm too old for shenanigans.

I need to find daycare still. I'm stalling. I stalled when I put her in daycare before & we ended up stuck. I just get so panicky at the idea of looking for full-time care for her. I don't like it at all. My girl & I, apart for 5 days a week. It goes against all my sensibilities. She is such an essential part of me. Tears are streaming down my face just from writing that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm eager for co-workers. Adult conversation! I need to brush up on un-poop related topics!

Depression dances around me...I am very aware of how I feel, though. I am not willing to sink again. I just wish I could get this over with so I know what I'm dealing with. What kind of people, schedule, energy....so many unknowns.

I'm nervous. Like a kid on their first day of school. What if the other kids don't like me? What if the the kids from my past make it uncomfortable to be there again.

So much self-doubt. It's foolish, I know I can do the job. I have before. I just doubt my ability to return to work.

When I really left the work force, I was a mess. How do I know that I won't fall apart again? I have to put so much trust in my own strength & ability. I'm scared of failing.

What if I can't do it? My family will worry about me....and I just realized that I'm living in the future....well shit....

Ok...deep breathes, some sleep *fingers crossed* & get on daycare tomorrow.

Crashing wave

I woke up this morning a bit grumpy, as I honestly do most mornings. I don't wake up on my accord ever anymore. Katie had a rough sleep night, she was making noise at 5, then was in our room at 6. My real sleep is over then but instead of getting out of bed, she watches a show on my tablet sitting on a pillow on the floor until it's time to get up.

I shook off my grumpies though & stepped on the scale to such a great surprise, I'm down 50lbs. I was down 52lbs a few weeks ago but I also hadn't eaten more than a few bites in 4 days, I lost 12lbs in those 4 days. I knew the weight was going to come back and 9lbs of it did. It's gone now though & I have been eating, so I'm really proud of myself.

I was riding this wave but it has crashed, I have crashed. I feel like my surf board has tossed me off, I'm in the water with all these creatures picking & nipping at me. I just can't shake them.

It has been over four weeks since I've had any income at all. Four long, arduous weeks of stress filled days & trying to send out my affirmations to the Universe. I don't know if I can be stressed & have positive thinking still work. I'm not sure how that all goes, but I do know that I've been trying. Goodness knows, I've been trying.

I think I'm all tried out...I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now & it's overwhelming.  I'm all out of give a fucks...I've been giving a fuck & nothing is getting better.

I feel like the Universe is testing me... I got a job...YAY! oh wait, it's minimum wage..meh, but ok! No start date...meh, but ok, I'm sure it'll be soon!!...oh wait, April 8th.....seriously, Universe?? SERIOUSLY!!!

I'm fed up & frustrated. The stress other people are telling me about in their lives is piling up on me too. I try to be a good mother, wife, daughter, sister & friend...I try...but I feel like I'm failing in most aspects right now. I want to lock myself in a room away from the reality of life. It's hard & I'm underwhelmed by the future...having faith in anything is hard...having faith in myself & my abilities is the hardest....I dont feel like I can handle things right now....I just can't take anymore bad news & it feels like there is some on the cusp of our lives now. Nothing that directly affects me physically, but family members. I worry for them & it's wearing me out.

I guess today has turned into an anxiety filled day of weakness & mine are blinding me from seeing anything else.

Stay-at-Home-Mom, I guess?

I love being a mom. This is an indisputable fact, anyone who knows me or simply sees me with Katie would know this, however being a stay-at-home Mom(SAHM) has been a challenge. I have without a doubt very often taken for granted the ability to stay home with our sweet girl.

I have had many days in the last month & a bit where I crave being among co-workers, laughing & talking about something other than Mickey Mouse, peanut butter sandwiches & poop. I long to be in the company of adults, having adult conversation but being at home, with 3 feet of attitude & a side of goofiness, isn't so darn bad.

When I was nearing the end of my maternity leave, I spent nights crying about the return to work. How could I possibly let anyone else look after my sweet child. How could I give up those hugs & kisses. I was almost inconsolable over the idea of going back to my job I loathed, to work 4 weeks & really only bring home pay for 2 because of the cost of daycare. I hated it all. I was so depressed.

Fast forward just under 2 years, I'm no longer depressed. I no longer have a job I loathe, I'm doing what I longed to do. I guess it's just not exactly what I expected. I'm not exactly what I expected. I had grandiose visions of being some Pinterest crazy mom, who actually does that stuff. I thought I would bake with Katie, do fun crafts. I don't really do any of those things.  We read, sing, play & learn together. The TV is always on, it's not always watched but it is always on.  I know it takes away from my candidacy for Mom-of-the-Year, but it's the truth. I can say with confidence that Dora has taught Katie things I would never have thought to teach her.  Hello, counting to 5 in Spanish!?! I assure you, I had nothing to do with that! Yay, Dora!

In the last week I've been noticing all of the Mom's on my Facebook & Twitter. I think of them going to their day jobs, rushing around in the morning to get their kid(s) awake, fed, clean, out the door, possible daycare drop offs, then to work, spending the day doing what all moms do, multi-tasking, your brain never allowed to focus too long on anything without thinking about how your kid(s) are doing, then you have to make sure once again they're fed & clean, possible activities, maybe homework, and then hopefully bed.  I hated that! I hate the idea of it. It makes me antsy. I want to be home with Katie as much as I can, I think it's good for her & I know it's good for me.  I will though, make an effort to find a part-time job soon &send her to daycare a day or two a week. That will be great for both of us. I look forward to it.

I feel very grateful that I have been able to stay home when I physically & mentally needed it most. I believe firmly that the Universe knows what it's doing. I'll figure this career thing out eventually, until then I'm a stay-at-home-mom & proud of it!

Mixed bag of emotions

Today has been an emotional one.

Katie was in full on cranky, challenging, terrible twos this morning. We battled a lot. I felt like a failure of a Mommy all morning. I didn't realize how much I would need patience as a mother nor did I realize how little patience I have. Many tears were shed this morning between Katie & I.  Thankfully nap time fixed that.

Then, someone I consider myself to be friendly with & who is a friend of my brother's was sentenced to a year + 15 days in jail. I am heartbroken for him & his family. It's a very controversial issue and  people throw opinions around & that infuriates me. Regardless, I am so sad for him, I worry about what will happen to him in jail. I can't see how this will help anything or how he's supposed to 'get better' while being locked up, but at the same time I've said all along that we should leave the decisions up to the courts. It's one of those times where everything is black & white...I think there was some grey...

Also, today, my parents are on their way to Moncton for the night. Tomorrow my Dad will meet his new Doctor & I assume discuss treatment. I am so worried, not about the treatment but my parents. They both are very obviously stressed out over this. I see it in them, so until his appointment however far off in the future when he gets the all clear of cancer, I will worry about them.

But to end on a positive note, I feel human again!  I'm cautiously optimistic about this pill combination.  I was able to go to the dance portion of Jeff's work Christmas party on Saturday. It was great. I danced so much! It was awesome! So for that, I am very grateful.  So, thank you, Universe.

Clarity

Sometimes, I have moments of clarity in my life.
Knowing whole heartedly for a year that we would be moving home, because I had a moment of clarity. I put it out into the Universe. I set it free. I held up my end of the bargain. I believed. The Universe seemed to know I wasn't ready to work.  So, Jeff got the job that brought us back to Miramichi.
Well, anyhow...I've been having these moments of clarity lately. I need to lose weight. I'm terrified of the idea of not losing weight. I know that, I, like most other obese people, make promises to lose weight & get better all the time. I know that I'm just a cliche at this point, but I guess what I'm doing right now is asking you all for help. I feel like now is my time to do this for myself.
I need direction. I need common sense help. I need motivation.
I have a friend who says she has to lose an average adult male, and well, very sadly, so do I.
The truth hurts, but I have faith that it can be changed!
I get by with a little help from my friends

Revelations

This week has brought upon me, many realizations & revelations.  The greatest of these is how at peace my soul is now.  My heart is happy.  I feel at ease.  I feel so loved. I'm home.

I'm 33 years old.  I'm a Stay-at-home Mom, right now, to incredible, amazing, funny, sweet, inquisitive, spunky, almost 2, Katie Lou.  I'm wife to such an incredible man. Katie & I are so lucky to have Jeff. He loves us like a real man should. He's proud of his family & we're proud of him.  I have parents who really would give us the shirts off their backs if we even suggested that we needed them.  They love the 3 of us so fiercely that I can't even begin to explain to them how thankful we are.  I appreciate my parents so much more after being home this last month, than I ever have in all my 33 years.  

I have a brother who is my best friend.  He really is.  There are 10.5 years between Scott & I, yet, we're equal in our relationship.  We went from protective big brother, to being protective of each other. I love that we both know that if one of us needs the other, there is no time of day that we aren't there for one another. We also call each other on our shit. If I'm being an idiot, he tells me, if he's being stupid, I tell him.  It has to be that way to be in an adult sibling relationship. No matter what though, after being angry or upset with each other, we always, always know that we love each other.  He's my best friend.

I also just realized this week, how much I love & need my Mom.  I don't have the words to tell her when I talk to her.  So, I know she will read this at some point. Mom, I love you.  I love our time together. I love watching you with Katie. I love you. I love you. I love you.  PS...I'm sorry I'm so bitchy sometimes, it's a work in progress for me too....

I feel inner strength in Miramichi that I have been lacking for quite some time.  I feel like I can fight my anxiety here.  I feel anxious most times I go out still, but the difference here is that I still go out. I didn't do that in Moncton, but here, at home, I feel like I have more support. I mean, I got my permit. I still haven't driven, but just having the piece of plastic in my wallet is a huge leap for me.

I feel more confident now that we've returned to Miramichi as well.  I do my hair, put on make-up, try to accessorize so that I can look good when I'm out. With that said, I have a new if you don't like me, don't look at me, attitude! I've decided that my tree trunk legs & flabby arms are mine to accept & love.  I need to embrace my body as it is, and realize that I'm really okay as I am.  I plan to wear capris, tank tops, skirts & I'm even planning on getting brave & buying a bathing suit.  I'm going to make the conscious decision to not care what other people think about me.

I'm going to be outside this summer.  I'm going to be active, sweaty & happy.  I'm going to run around with our Katie. I'm going to dig in the dirt with her. I'm going to enjoy our time together.

I'm happy to feel so happy.  I'm happy to be able to realize the wonderful opportunities that are being given to us.  I'm just so grateful. 

Gratitude

Gratitude.

One word sums up much of what I've been feeling lately.

I whined & complained when life was serving us plenty of things that made each day so difficult that getting up in the morning became a chore.  So, now that I have so much happiness & goodness in my life, I want to shout from the rooftops how grateful I am.

Just thinking about how lucky we are brings tears to my eyes.  Happy tears.  They flow so much more now than the tears of frustration & sadness.

I have 2 amazing parents.  I have loved them always but now appreciate them so much more than I ever have in my life.  They are such incredible grandparents to sweet Katie Lou. She loves her Grammy & Poppy SO much! It fills up my happy meter when I see them do stuff with her. To see the pure, genuine happiness she brings them is a gift to me.  To hear the honest, uncontrolled laughter that she brings out of them. Grateful.

To be surrounded by family again, is amazing.  I had become so detached. I had forgotten how much I love my extended family.  Seeing family, having them finally meet Katie, it's amazing.  They are going to get to know our little Dood.  This is not something I expected to have for her. In my opinion, this is a huge gift for her.  I cannot imagine growing up away from my extended family.  I have so many cousins, not really knowing them is an absurd thought for me.

I also am getting my head around losing weight for real.  Every day I try to something better than the day before. I'm starting to come to terms with the reality of me being 33, morbidly obese, family history of heart problems & I have an almost 2yr old.  I have to change, for Katie, for Jeff & for myself.

It's still odd to me that a dying city where youth leave because of the lack of opportunity is, in fact, the greatest opportunity that my little family has been given.

The Universe leads you if you listen.  If you're grateful, positive & do the work, the Universe listens.  So, for all I've been given, the absolute hardest days when we couldn't afford a loaf of bread, to the most cherished gift I've been given in Katie, I'm grateful for everything.

Thank you, Universe.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Gratitude.

Home

I haven't been feeling so hot the last two weeks.  My back was really bad for a little over a week, the move was stressful, I've been taking my pills at different times every day, I'm beyond exhausted all of the time.  Tomorrow I'm going to call the day clinic to get an appointment to get a refill on my pills & hopefully get some blood work done.  I think my B12 is probably just low, but we'll see, could just be all the stress of the last month finally catching up with me.

I like being home.  It feels right.  Although, I do forget almost on a daily basis that we aren't in Moncton anymore.  It's weird. I forget that we can't just run to Champlain Place on a whim because we're bored or that Second Cup is no longer an option for yummy lattes.  Those are the things I miss the most so far.  I made very few real friends in Moncton, I made a lot of acquaintances, and met a lot of great people. Very few real friends though.  So, I'm hoping Miramichi will be a way for me to get back to being the girl with friends who loves to have fun & do stuff.  Except now, I'm also a mother & wife.  I'm fairly certain that I'm a much improved version of the Paula who left Miramichi 8 years ago.

I feel more confident in who I am.  I have learned a lot about myself in the last 8 years.  The person I let myself become, the faults I had, the mistakes I made, some bigger than others, but each a lesson.  I, also,have learned how damn strong I am.  I have learned to be a great mother.  I have learned to be a better wife. I have learned to be a better & more free me.

I am perfectly fine with the person that I am.  I know the person I can become though, and that is who I am striving to become.

I am more shocked than I care to admit to make the next statement, but I truly believe Miramichi holds our chance at a great life.

Life is good.  I'm grateful. I'm so so lucky.  Life is good.

Random happiness

I have a million and one thoughts running through my mind.  I am abundantly happy, I am terrified, I am excited,  I am sad, I am grateful. I am so very, very grateful.

I am actually writing without editing today.  I'm just writing the words that come into my head without stopping to over think it all. Except just now, I stopped to scratch my elbow, but that doesn't count.  Ok, back to me writing without thinking.

In, like, no time at all, we are moving to Miramichi.  MIRAMICHI!!! What in the name of Tallulah is going on in the Universe that actually is bringing me back to Miramichi?!  I never even thought until a year ago that it was remotely possible.  It is, however, very possible, and it is happening!

Jeff got a job at the payroll center that is bringing us home.  Home. I'm not sure why, but for many years I was defiant that Miramichi was really home anymore.  We've been in Moncton for 8 years, after about 3, I considered it home.  I knew we would start a family here, assumed we would raise said family here, but we'd visit Miramichi.   That was what we wanted.  Then for some reason it changed.

A little over a year ago, my Mom started telling me about how to apply for the payroll jobs.  As I used to often do, I gave her a 'yeah, ok, we'll do it' and of course, we wouldn't. She was on me for weeks before we applied.  I'm so grateful for her persistence.

That night, after we applied, I told Jeff that one of us was going to get on for certain & the other would stay home with Katie.  For over a year, with every email he received telling him about the next step in the process, I knew that we were moving home.  I knew it more than I have ever known anything.  I didn't waiver for a moment.  When talking to my Mom, I'd say don't worry, we'll be living home then.  I'm sure everyone was terrified of what would happen to my mental state if he hadn't gotten the job, but I wasn't worried because I KNEW he was going to get it.

I used 'The Secret' and the absolute amazing power of positive thought.  Jeff & I both spent time individually & unknowingly to the other on Monday focusing on feeling like we live in Miramichi.  If you feel it, if you're grateful to the Universe, if you envision it, you can make anything happen.  The Universe will present the opportunities to you, you just have to be alert enough to make them work for you.

I probably sound like a crazy person right now, but I don't even care.  I know that positive thought works, it brought 2 huge changes to our lives.  Katie & this job/move.

I can't believe this is really happening.  I mean, I knew it would, but now it's real.  I am so overwhelmed.  I miss my family so much.  I realized about 4 months ago how much I really wanted to move back to Miramichi.  I realized that I needed my family. I'm not as independent as I've pretended to be for the last 7 years. I need my family.

Now that Katie is a bit older, I want my parents to be involved in her life.  I want her to be able to go to the store with Grampy.  I want her to be able to bake cookies with Grammy.  I want those things for myself too, I miss spending time with my parents.  I miss my aunts & cousins.  I miss family.

I'm so excited! I feel like a big change like this could be exactly what we needed to shake things up.

It's time for me to stop writing & go clean something.  So little time & such an insane amount to do!! It's going to be so worth it!!

Four days.

Four days. Four days.

I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm sad.  I'm a normal amount of all of those things.  That's a first in a long time. In four days, I return to work. In four days, I test myself. In four days, life returns to 'normal'. In four days, I will realize that I'm strong & capable. 

I haven't worked since January 27th.  I will have been off exactly 40 days when I return to work.  40 amazing, life changing days.  

When I went on leave, I was so inexplicably not myself.  I listened to Violin by Amos Lee repeatedly like it was my anthem. It felt as if that song came from my soul.  I wanted to be saved. I wanted someone to rescue me from my sadness.Then, 3 people did. My Jeff, My Katie & Myself. Together, the 3 of us can do anything.  

I am so incredibly lucky. I am so incredibly grateful to the Universe for both of them. The love they give me every single day, well, it's nothing short of life saving.  

I feel as if I am so much stronger than I ever realized that I am.  I am capable. I am emotional. I am fierce. I can really do anything that I need to do. I'm feeling rather amazing the last few days.  I've turned into some messed up, domesticated crazy lady.  It's a great feeling!

So, in four days.  I'm hoping this great feeling follows me to work.  I'm hoping it reassures me that I can do anything.  I know it's going to be so hard.  I'm going to miss Katie & Jeff so much, but I know that I can get through it.  I'm stronger than I realize.  I need to keep repeating that. I don't need to be saved anymore.  I've saved myself.

Reality Check

Today I walked home from work, as I do most days, and I had a moments of pure & honest gratitude. One of those moment where in your head & heart you just are floored by the realization that you have so much to be grateful for. As most of you know the weather has been sweltering hot, not ideal by any means for a walk home from work even one that is just over 10 minutes as mine is. Well, I crossed the street like usual today & then for some reason stopped and turned around only to see this poor woman who was crossing as well but not nearly with the ease I had. It took her a dangerously long time to cross, the light turned green just as she stepped onto the sidewalk. In that moment I thought, be grateful for your ability to walk regardless of this heat. I then carried on with my walk home with a new sense of happiness & I thanked the Universe.

I guess sometimes it takes a reality check to put my gratitude back in line. I'm going to try & thank the Universe more for the day to day things that I take for granted. Although, I'm pretty sure the Universe is aware of my gratitude for being able to walk with ease now myself. It's something that I cannot believe I take for granted even though I absolutely know that I do. You'd think that someone who just couldn't have walked home from work 3 years ago would stop moaning about it so much. In fact, we used to work what..like 2 blocks from work & the walk would take me the better part of 20 minutes if I could do it at all, but today I walked 7 blocks in 11 minutes. Time to shut up about not wanting to do it and complaining that its too hot & just be grateful to be able to do it.

Thank you for the wake up call, Universe. I got the message loud & clear!

Growing up

I don't know if this happens to everyone or not, but I'm realizing that I've finally grown up. That's an ironic statement for a 30 year old to make, but it's so true.

The last two weeks of my life have been unlike any before them. It's like something finally clicked in my head that said, it's time to grow up little girl & change your life for the better. I feel like I can win the race now, I'm starting out at the back of the pack, but I know that eventually I will win.

I AM going to lose more weight, it's no longer if I lose 20lbs, it's now when. I am going to win this battle if it kills me, because frankly, not winning it is going to kill me too. What do I have to lose?? I can only gain from this. I'm tired of being the fat girl in the room, I'm tired of paying more for clothes, I'm tired of feeling like everyone is looking at me with scrutiny, I'm just plain tired. Carrying all this weight around is hard on your body and I feel it, but I will beat this.

I also feel like a light has turned on about work. I am the first to admit that in the past I was a crappy, don't give a damn employee in regards to attendance. If I was tired, or felt a little icky, I'd call in sick. I didn't give a damn. Not now. I will go to work and chances are I feel fine within an hour or two of being there, because I get so wrapped up in work or chatting with the girls that I forget that I felt terrible to begin with.

I'm also now spending more time focusing on my marriage, and making it a good, happy marriage and not just sitting back and expecting it to happen because we're Jeff & Paula. You can lose track of each other quickly if you don't pay attention, you can also lose track of yourself, but that's no longer an option for us. I am so in love with a wonderful man who accepts me as I am, every fault, every asset, every stumble, every uprising, he is there holding my hand & my heart. I am so fortunate to have him in my corner.

I spend a lot more energy focusing on the positive. Although, some days it's incredibly hard and I falter, I realize I'm only human and we all have days where negativity sneaks in when we least expect it. I do the best I can, and when I realize that I'm being negative, I try to snap out of it.

Being thankful for what I do have has become an essential part of my 'growing up'. I have more than what I need to survive. I have plenty of luxuries that many would love to have, and I thank the Universe for them. I thank the Universe on a daily basis for things, whether it simply be the ability to walk with the ease that I once lacked or my cell phone. I thank the Universe because these things found their way to me.

I'm happier than I can remember being in a very long time. I feel like the Paula that I was, is beginning to coincide with the Paula that I've become, and I think that maybe...just maybe...I like her a lot.