Doubt. Fear. A bun in the oven.

A lot has changed in the two months since I last blogged.

My sister-in-law has caused extreme amounts of havoc in the lives of my family members. I truly believe she needs psychiatric help but she'd say that I'm the crazy one. I've removed myself from the situation. I'm done dealing with her & him too. It hurts too much & it's too much stress. Not my zoo, not my animals. I have bigger fish to fry.

We found out a week & a half ago that we're having a baby.

Uh...yeah.

I was done having babies. One & done. That was my motto. I have the most amazing child, I never expected to have any children so I was overjoyed at being a mom to only her.

Then, Boom! Pregnant.

I knew almost immediately. I told Jeff that I was pregnant before it was even humanly possible. Chemistry hadn't taken over yet, how did I know? I still don't understand it but I knew & had to wait two weeks for a test to tell me what I already knew for sure.

We told everyone the day we found out, which was probably crazy but I spent so much time being afraid when I was pregnant with Katie & I want to try to relax this time.

I'm scared to death though. I didn't think I'd be so scared since I know how to raise a child to at least 4.5 but I'm almost more afraid.

How do moms with multiple children do it? I'm so afraid to fail Katie while being Mama to a newborn, especially since Katie holds my whole heart right now. She alone is my entire world, nothing & no one matter more. I don't know how I'm going to be able to share myself with another child & let Katie still be Katie.

Anxiety & doubt have been following me around like classroom bullies. I'm too old. I don't have the patience for two kids. What if my postpartum depression comes back? How am I going to cope with sleep deprivation & having another child who needs me? How am I going to provide two children with everything they deserve? I'm going to end up screwing this up. What if this baby doesn't sleep just like Katie didn't. I am SO worried about so many things.

Postpartum is on my mind a lot. Few things in my life have been scarier than that period of time. It changed me forever, some ways that have yet to be 'repaired' & although I'm hyper aware, I was last time too. I didn't know what I was feeling to be postpartum depression. I hope if it comes back I'll be better prepared to tackle it with a vengeance.

Last time, I told myself & everyone around me that I'd make sure to tell someone if I felt depressed. It took hysterical crying & hyperventilating on my living room floor while contemplating downing a bottle of dilaudid to get me to see that I needed help.

The fact that I wasn't afraid of dying but couldn't take the pills because Katie would be alone crying for too long before her father came home made me see that I needed help. That still scares me. I was so close to doing something very stupid & so very unlike me because of a chemical imbalance caused by childbirth.

Now, I'm going to have another child....

Christmas on autopilot

I'm having a hard time finding my Christmas spirit this year. In fact, I have none at all. There is not one bit of merriment in my heart, no feelings of happiness & that whimsical feeling from tree lights glowing. None of it exists. I've been trying so hard to figure out what's missing. Why am I feeling so down about Christmas this year? I think I've figured it out.

My family is about to experience a very bittersweet holiday. One that we know will be our last with my father's sister. How are the holidays supposed to be happy when I know next year she won't be here with us? How? I'm so sad & I don't know how I'm supposed to soak up this time happily. I understand that we're lucky to have this Christmas together; people say that they wish they would know if an event was going to be the last time together but really - it doesn't help anything, I promise you that.

My Sister in law hates me, she's the person who called the police on me in August so it's a mutual thing but because she hates me, she makes it really hard to see my nephew. Katie loves him so much & she keeps asking if he'll be here for Christmas because he's our family & I have to keep explaining that he'll probably be spending Christmas with his other family that day. She doesn't seem to quite get why he won't be here & I don't have words to fix it. It's breaking my heart more than I can even explain.

And well, Christmas is missing someone very important to our family on Jeff's side this year. His cousin Colleen passed away this year, she was a major part of our Christmas traditions and our lives. After Jeff's mom passed away, Colleen swooped in & made sure that we always had some of his family close. She made us feel so loved, she was crazy about Katie & last year, because I was sick, I didn't get to see her at Christmas.

You hear all over about how Christmas isn't about the gifts, it's about spending time with the ones you love,...I guess that's the biggest part of the problem...

I feel like I'm on autopilot, I'm just buying the gifts because it's what I do, I'll wrap the gifts because it's what I do. I'll be happy for Katie when she opens her gifts, but otherwise I'm kind of looking forward to January 1st..

The Right People.

I just saw this on Facebook & it summed up perfectly how I've been feeling the last few weeks. I miss my Right People, I don't have many of them around anymore. Why are Montreal & Calgary so far away?

On a regular basis I am with other mothers - they're a great bunch of women who outside of our children I have nothing in common with. I'm not like the other playgroup moms, I know that, I feel it, it hangs over me like a surprisingly heavy curtain. It's my reminder that although we get along when we are together for the sake of our children, I'm not ever going to be one of them. None of these women would ever do anything to make me feel out of place & I don't want it to ever seem like they have but I'm a realist, I'm not naive to my surroundings.

I guess part of being the very liberal, tattooed, Atheist, hippie mom who says fuck a lot is accepting that you aren't always going to easily find your 'Right People'. Some days that is a much easier pill to swallow than others.

I don't know how to find people who are like me, I mean, honestly I don't think a lot of people are actually like me, I'm a bit of a one off. People who love me just get me, they not only know but expect me to be passionate, loud, quirky, goofy, stubborn, potty-mouthed, loving, compassionate combined with a slew of other equally wonderful & potentially loathsome characteristics.

I miss the comfort of just laying my honest truth on someone & knowing they aren't going to judge me no matter what I say. I miss laughing so hard (over the simplest thing) that my face hurts, my stomach is cramped & we've both snort laughed. I miss being out & about with a friend who I can give that sideways 'did you see/hear/smell that' look to & then see how long we can hold in the laughter when we get on the same page. Truthfully, I miss being the presence of a friend who can tell me that I'm being an unreasonable asshole & know that it's coming from a place of love.

You may learn in school that Canada is 9.9 million sq. kms or simply that it's the second largest in the world but you can't understand the greatness of that until your Right People are spread out along those kilometers. 

Believe me when I say, Canada is a huge country & I miss my Right People. 

Freedom in a dye bottle

You may not have noticed but my hair is wild. I am currently sporting a pinkish red faux hawk. My father loves to tease me & call me Big Boy from the fast food chain, my mother is seemingly traumatized & I have a feeling my brother still thinks I'm a closet lesbian.

What's the deal with the crazy hair is what some may ask; Please, let me tell you.

My hair is a symbol of freedom for me. It's liberation from my biggest fear - social anxiety.

My social anxiety is largely based on the fact that I expect people to always be talking about me behind my back. I expect them all to be whispering about what a hateful bitch I am, how fat I am, how weird I am, how I don't think the same things they do, I don't believe in the same things most people do, I'm a weirdo. I just expect people to talk about me & never in a good way.

Naturally a pink faux hawk would be the best way to give people something to talk about if they so choose to.

The greatest thing I've discovered is that I'm really okay with it even if they are talking poorly about me. It isn't a reflection on who I am as a person, it's a reflection of who they are.

I'm tired of always worrying & being afraid. I'm tired of living in fear of judgment from other people. I'm tired of not living life because I may not be what other people expect or want me to be.

Letting go of fear is going to be my theme for 2015, I'm just starting a bit early. This ridiculous hair that even I think is a bit silly makes me smile. It's fun, it isn't hurting anyone else, it doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make me any less intelligent, capable or loving, it is just hair. I do not now, nor do I ever plan to again care what people think of my hair.  There so many bigger fish to fry in my life.


Besides...Katie likes it that she has a fun mom...

Emotional Dam.....

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm tired. I'm scared.

I'm really just fed up with people I love having to go through such hardships. I'm tired of it. I'm angry that people who don't deserve to go through things just keep getting slammed with bigger things. I'm scared that I could lose people I love. I'm so very sad that they have to deal with more.

Cancer. Everyone knows someone who has had it or who has a close family member affected by it. Everyone. That is so messed up. How is it still so rampant? I just want it to go away & leave my loved ones alone.

I try so hard to stay positive for the people around me who have their doubts & fears, I try but inside I'm so scared.  I'm scared I won't be able to be strong for the people who need me. I'm scared I'll crack in front of the people affected. I'm scared that treatment won't work & I just....I just can't deal with that....

I've been holding it all back but today the emotional dam is cracking & I don't know how much longer it'll hold up. I feel like crying won't solve anything here though & I don't know if I can stop myself once I start.

I'm so angry. I want to yell, swear, punch & throw things but that won't solve anything. My loved ones will still have Cancer & I can't do anything to help them. I hate that, I like to fix problems for people I love & there is absolutely nothing I can do for them.


And the emotional dam just busted wide open...I just cried so hard that no sound was even coming out...this shatters my heart & I'm no where near as strong as I'm pretending to be but I'll build a new dam. I'll keep a brave face & I'll fake positivity because it's what I do. It'll all be alright because in the end things always work out or some other bullshit I'll try to serve up later....

Bitch, Please

My tolerance for bullshit has maxed out, as has my tolerance for bullies, jackasses, douchecanoes & nasty ass psycho cunts who need a punch in the face.

I am a hippie. I promote non-violence, I believe words can be more powerful than anything else but damn, some people just really need a punch in the face.

I can't rid myself completely of the bully, I've done all I can to rid myself of her but it's not something that is 100% possible.

Can you imagine that someone called the police on me? ME?! I've been stewing on this for a week & a half, I wasn't going to say anything to anyone, but I just want to explode. My bully called the police on me & said that I've been harassing her via text messages & Facebook, she said that I trespassed on her property when I was actually there helping someone else.

I don't know her cell phone number & she's blocked from my Facebook, someone please explain to me how I'm supposed to harass someone that I have no means of contacting? I surely do not know. She, however, has used someone else's cell phone to attack me. She has used her own Facebook & sent Jeff a message warning me to never step foot on her property again. I'm not saying I'm innocent in all of this because I did say some very ugly things when I was being attacked but this is beyond excessive.

I will also fully claim responsibility for sending the first Facebook message when I felt someone I love very much was being attacked in many ways. We had it out on Facebook in January, she & I, then I blocked her. JANUARY. I have not contacted her since then but I am harassing her. Bitch, please.

On Friday, August 15th I answered the door to a police officer who said " I'm here about X & some texts messages you've sent her" - the first words out of my mouth to the Constable were 'I fucking knew it'. You see, the night before she had read a text message that I sent to the person in the middle that said I would call the police on her if she harassed me again, I scared her. She wasn't so tough when being threatened with real action, because she knows she's in the wrong. She knows. So she wanted to draw first blood & called the police so she wouldn't look like the crazy bitch that she really is. She wanted to look like a victim, because that's her bag. She is a victim in every scenario in her life while she points fingers at everyone else for being 'so mean to her & her family'. Perhaps, just perhaps, if you try being nice to people & treat them with respect regardless of how much money they have, you will get respect in return. Just a concept. I dunno. Seems to work for most people but what do I know, I'm just a 'fat bitch' 'nut job' who is 'mentally imbalanced' & who can't hold a job because I'd have 'a mental breakdown'. Yes, she's that kind of mean.

Her words used to cut like a knife, now they're like gun powder. She just gives me more reason to dislike her & pity her for having that much negativity in her soul. I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through life so angry; to always think people are out to get you even when they really aren't at all, it must be exhausting.  I'm so glad I'm not her, so very very glad. I wouldn't want to be angry at people all the time, to go out of my way to cause others stress, it just seems so time consuming & foolish to me. You can silently hate someone...it's okay...most people do & I wish she'd learn this technique.

I should hate her. I want so very badly to hate her. I don't hate her, however. I do dislike her as much as I can but I can't hate her. I think she needs help. She's mentally unstable & needs help, I fully believe that. She's the absolute most paranoid person I've ever met. She literally thinks people are out to get her, that people talk about her when they aren't, she thinks everything is about her. She has rage issues, I mean, I can really lose my cool, but I have never seen anything like her in my life. I, once, stopped her from falling in a fire while she was drunk & raging, she looked at me & said 'don't touch me you fat bitch'. She is the meanest of mean but I still don't hate her. I want her to get help & maybe just one EXTREMELY deserved punch in the face.

The 100% honest truth about all of this, however, is that this more than being angry or vengeful about it, this situation makes me very sad & I truly hope somehow (even though I can't imagine any way here or on any alternate universe that it could happen) things work out positively.

One thing that I know for sure is that I will no longer tolerate any further harassment from her. I have the Constable's number & I'll gladly call him. 

She'll never have friends with a weird mom like me.

Two weeks ago I stepped outside my comfort zone - way outside. I sent Facebook inbox messages to two moms that I know a bit, inviting each of them over with their daughters for a play date with Katie & I. One mom replied that she'd love to, the other mom (who was online a lot that day & I know saw the message) didn't even bother to reply.

I set up & had a wonderful play date with the mother who did reply but for two weeks the mother who didn't reply has been on my mind. A constant barrage of unanswered & often irrational questions & thoughts. Why didn't she reply? What about me doesn't she like? Am I always going to cost Katie friends? I'm definitely going to be the reason she doesn't have friends. Why can't I just be like everyone else? Poor Katie, why does she have to have such a weird mother? I wish I was just normal.

I, honestly, expect to be the reason she doesn't have certain friends in her lifetime.

I am not your average person, most definitely not your average Miramichier & I know that. I tend to think outside the box more than most people. I try hard not to judge people on their outer shell, because all too often it really is just a shell & once you crack it, there's so much beauty. I believe passionately in equality & justice. I get fired up over injustice & judgment. I'm a hippie, I know people have their ideas about what a hippie is, but in my soul, that's just who I am. I wear bright clothes, I talk too loudly, I swear too much, I don't believe in god but I believe it's your right to if you so choose, I think all love is equal, babies need love not parents of both genders, I am pro-choice & that doesn't mean I'm pro-abortion, Climate change is happening, SCIENCE MATTERS, marijuana shouldn't be illegal & Americans need better gun control.

There are people in my life that I have plenty of reasons to hate but there is no single person that I actually hate. Not one. I believe to hate is to actually wish ill for another person or to be happy if something unfortunate were to happen to them, I don't have anyone in my life like that. I can't hold hate in my heart. That's not saying that there aren't people I dislike a lot, people I never want to be around EVER but I don't hate them.

For two weeks, these have been the thoughts in my head, I've been reviewing what I believe, am I too vocal about it, should I tone down who I am, maybe I should talk less about being atheist or maybe anyone who doesn't like me for who I am can kiss my ass?? Yeah, we're going to go with the latter. That was the grand conclusion of my two weeks of soul searching.

I like who I am, I like the person I'm becoming, I like the lessons I'm teaching my daughter & the person she's becoming as a result. So what if I don't believe in god - I believe in right & wrong, I'm pro-choice - you don't have to choose to have an abortion, I'm 100%  for gay rights - chances are someone you love is gay & you just don't know it, legalizing marijuana - people are going to buy & smoke it either way but only one is good for the economy. I like making up silly songs about everything I do, I like dancing randomly in public & not caring at all, I like not being so wrapped up in what other people think because their opinions of me do not matter.

Hindsight has shown me that the mom who didn't reply did me a huge favour, I went from feeling really terrible about myself for not being accepted by her to realizing that it's okay because I truly like who I am & the values I have.

She's still on my Facebook & may very well see this after I share it but I don't care either way. Hopefully she'll realize that basic etiquette can go a long way.