A Year Without Her

A year.  October 3, 2015.

How can it be a year already? How has it been over a year since I've hugged her or told her I love her?

I miss her laugh. I miss her voice. I miss her tight hugs & kisses on my cheek.

I wonder some days if it'll ever get easier or if I'll be able to think about her without my heart breaking.

I've had my hands full this past year so I haven't had time to dwell in my sadness & grief but there are times when it stops me in my tracks. I hope some day that goes away & I just remember happier days with her.

I wish that when I think of her that I could see her as she was before cancer, before tubes & oxygen but that's what is in the fore front of my mind & I hate that. I want to remember her happy & healthy, full of spunkiness, love & laughter. That's who she really was.

I know she's with me when I need her, I've felt her with me. I hope every day that my boy has some of her qualities - that somehow there's truth to someone has to leave this world to make room for new life. That maybe just maybe the new life inherits some of the goodness from the person who left.  It sounds crazy, I know, but it gives me something to hold on to. I need that right now.

I look forward to the day when an unexpected picture of her or mention of her name doesn't put a lump in my throat.  For now though, I let the tears flow when they need to because she was too important not to just let myself feel that emptiness when it hits me.

I, also, look forward to the day when I have some closure.  It all happened so quickly at the end, I was too pregnant to anyone to think it was safe for me to be there. Then I had a baby & couldn't be at the funeral, that still just hurts my heart.  It makes it hard to feel real. I had no formal goodbye. Hopefully one day I can reconcile that with myself.

Absence

Absence makes the heart grow fonder - or does it?

Absence sometimes allows for time for personal reflection that doesn't allow for fondness. It brings ups things you had forgotten or shoved aside as it being just the way 'x' is. Why though? Why does 'x' get to treat you differently than you'd expect others to treat you?

I've had a significant amount of absence in the last 3.5 yrs by someone I never ever in my life expected to be absent. Someone who if you'd have told me 5 years ago wouldn't speak to me off & on for most of 3.5 yrs, I would've wagered everything I had on you being wrong. It was unfathomable to me & it truly still is that this person is 100% not a part of my life or the lives of my children.

I'm not at all claiming to be without blame, I know I'm not perfect or even close but the pain this person has caused me, it tears me up more than I admit to anyone. I just don't get how shutting down communication fixes anything.

I spent my entire life doing what I could for this person. I don't know how so many years of tirelessly trying to make someone else's life better is immediately forgotten. I don't get that. All of the love, the laughs, the memories, most days I wish I could just erase it all because it wouldn't hurt so much.

When people talk to me about this person I just want to scream that I don't care & don't want to know. I don't want this person to know about my life either because they made a choice to not be a part of it. Instead, I just listen, smile & make polite comments.

It really is funny how you can give up so much for other people only to have them treat you like you no longer matter.

You can expect it from some people but not usually your family.

My heart hurts, I miss what I thought I had & I'm heartbroken for what I really can't see us ever having again.

Treading water

Imagine you're speeding along the highway, you think you see an animal run out in front of you; you slam on the breaks, your heart is racing, you can't catch your breath & your passengers don't understand why you stopped so abruptly. You look up, there is no animal, no one else sees or saw an animal. It was all in your head. That is how anxiety feels for me.

The last few weeks have been hard anxiety wise. It feels like it's getting  progressively worse again but it also feels like I'm more aware of what's happening. What's happening is that agoraphobia is a very real, very persistent part of my life. There are so many days I want to stay in the house & I'm so glad I don't actually have to leave for anything. Now, though, I'm beginning to have a hard time again leaving the house even when I want to. I've been without that feeling for so long, it's disappointing to have it come back without warning.

Panic disorder & anxiety can really trick your brain into thinking you're weak. That you have all these unknown things to be afraid of. Your conscious mind can fight all it wants, you can say out loud that you're fine & there's nothing to be afraid of, but anxiety doesn't care about those things.

Sometimes, for me, it can just be too many people & too much noise in a room. Sometimes, it can be that I'm trying to get the kids out the door & there are too many little things to do. Sometimes, it hits me & I have no idea why but it can flatten me.

People all too often assume that a panic attack is a person breathing into a paper bag. While that may be true for some, it isn't true for everyone all of the time. I've had a few severe attacks that caused me to be unable to breathe but that's the least of my problems when I have an attack. When anxiety shakes me up I may be weepy, I may experience rage, I may feel my heart race, I may get a cold flash followed by a hot flash which instantly covers my body in sweat, my hands may tremble, my stomach will most definitely twist & turn - so many things happening at once.

I hate it all & I wish I knew how to stop it. It feels like I should have a grip on this by now. I'm tired of revisiting this issue. I'm tired of depression, too. I'm tired of my brain not doing what it should.

It doesn't matter to me that I know more people on antidepressants & antianxiety medication than not. It matters to me that I can't fix me.  I want to feel strong & capable, I had that for what felt like a fleeting second but it's gone now. I feel like most days I'm just staying afloat. You can't see my tired legs treading water, you just see that my head is still above the water because anything else means anxiety wins, I won't allow that to happen. I will fight hard even when I don't want to. I feel like I'm failing more than winning these days but I know I'm fighting. That's all I can do - tread water with everything I have & keep my head above water. 

It's like Dory says 'Just keep swimming'.

Trying my best

October 6, 2015 Jeff & I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary at the hospital by welcoming our son into the world.

It has been a wild 17 weeks to say the least. I had forgotten how much sleep deprivation hurts. You get to the point where you are so tired that you're nauseous but still you trudge along because you have no choice.

I fought a hard battle with postpartum depression & anxiety after I had Katie. I wanted to believe I could avoid that this time, but I was wrong.

Currently, I'm in the midst of postpartum depression, my anxiety has been flaring up & I hate it. 

This time I knew the signs & symptoms though, I knew how bad it could get if I tried to pretend I'm not feeling this way and also, this time I refuse go down without a fight.

There are many days when I just want to shut the world out. I don't want to talk on the phone or text anyone, but I tell myself at least texting is quiet.. There are days when my anxiety kicks me so hard that I'm short fused & snippy with Katie for just being a 5 yr old, but when I realize I'm wrong I apologize to her & we snuggle. There are days when the thought of leaving the house makes me uneasy, so I try to get dressed & go.

Having two kids has been a huge adjustment, especially since they both want to be on me a lot of the time. I miss personal space. I miss the quiet. I miss feeling like I've got a grip on thing.

I'll beat this depression again, I have confidence that will happen. Right now though - I'm just trying my best.

A month of missing you

A month... 30ish days.

I've thought about her a lot & also, not at all. Those are my two gears for grieving while being a mom to a newborn.

I allow my grief to consume me for a very short spurt, then I shut it off. It's the only way I know how to deal with it. I don't have the time to be as sad as I really want to allow myself to be. I don't have time for grief - I have a 4 week old son & a 5.5 yr old spitfire little girl to look after.

Sometimes she comes into my thoughts & I can't imagine that this is anything more than a bad dream. It doesn't feel real to me. I have no closure.

No one knows how hard it was for me to be in the hospital with my brand new baby while my family was saying their final goodbyes to her. I wanted to be there to say goodbye, to tell her I love her, to tell anyone who was there how special she was.

It just doesn't feel real to me because I was so removed from everything while experiencing such joy from Jamie's birth. It was the hardest most bittersweet week, I wanted so badly to be in two places at once.

How can it be a month already? It feels like it was just yesterday that I opened my door, saw Scott there...and knew.  Wasn't it just yesterday?

I think about her laugh a lot. I don't ever want to forget it. It was one of a kind, like her.

I look forward to the day when it hurts a bit less but until then, I'll use my two gears. Time to turn it off for now but I love you, Aunt Donna.

Catch me.

This carousel spins round 'n round
My head spins too

The horses go up & down
Like the ebb & flow of my emotions

Hanging on tightly to the reins
For fear of falling

If I fall...
I just can't

Hanging on tighter still
Refusing to fall

How long does this carousel spin
Because I'm done with this fear

I loosen my grip
Knowing if I fall, he's there to catch me.

And that makes all the difference.

Lucky to have had her....

I consider myself to be very lucky in some parts of life, one of them is that I was raised in a family with a village mentality. I didn't grow up with just my parents loving me the way parents do, I was lucky enough to have three Aunts who I was/am very close with - my Mom's sisters Jackie & Beulah, (who we all call Aunt Boo) & also, my Dad's sister Donna.

These three women have loved me unconditionally & I don't know where I'd be in life without their love. Sadly, however, I've lost two of them; my Aunt Jackie passed away when I was 20 weeks pregnant with Katie & my Aunt Donna passed away two days ago, while I'm 38 weeks pregnant.

Losing someone you love that much is hard, but losing them while carrying a child you know they would've given the same amount of love to is even harder.

My Aunt Donna was told a year ago that she had about three months to live, so I knew that the chances of her meeting my son were slim, but she fought so hard & made it so long that I had hope. In fact the night before she died I told Jeff that I was so excited that she had lived long enough to meet our boy, since we're having him this week. I felt such relief knowing that she'd at least get to meet him once but I was wrong & my heart is so broken over it.

She was the best person I've ever known, the kindest, warmest, most loving person. She could fill any space with her love just by walking into a room. She always tried to find the best in people even when others couldn't. She treated everyone she met with kindness & she was so appreciative of the people in her life.

I've never known love like the love she gave me, it was more than unconditional, it was all encompassing, it filled your soul, your heart, your mind. It made you feel like you were the only person that mattered to her in that moment.

She is the only person who would tell me that I'm beautiful even when I looked my absolute worst & I knew without a doubt that she meant it. She saw things in me so many times that I didn't see in myself. She often loved me more than I loved myself & always made sure I knew how much she loved me.

Knowing this day was coming, I've tried to prepare myself many times, but there's just no way to prepare yourself to lose a part of your foundation. She was more than just an Aunt, she was MY Aunt, she was the biggest, brightest light, the deepest love, the loudest laugh, she was a part of my heart. She meant so much to so many people who now feel broken because she's gone.

I don't know how to reconcile the fact that I'll never get another one of her amazing hugs, I'll never have her grab my face & kiss me again - how is that possible? I want it all to just be a really bad dream.

My father told me once that his grandmother told him that people need to leave this world in order to make room for others. I've tried so hard to find solace in that since this week I've not only lost part of my heart but a new part of it will be born. Maybe she was making room for my boy to come into the world, I hope somehow he has a heart like hers - strong & full of unconditional love for others.

She was an incredibly strong woman too. She lost my Uncle Harvey 18 years ago & instead of falling apart, she became fiercely independent. She got her license in her early 50's, then not too long after drove from New Brunswick to Ontario, because she was, in my opinion, fearless & absolutely tough as nails. It was a trip she took many times after as well. I'll always be in awe of that.

I know her love will always be with me & I'm grateful she's no longer in pain, but there is a gaping hole in my heart that will take a very long time to heal. People like her don't come along every day, so I consider myself to be extremely lucky to not only have known her to to have been her niece.

I hope she's happy where ever she is now & I hope she knows that no one could have asked for her to be any better of a person than she was, because I think she was the best & so many others agree.

I'll love & miss her forever but I know she'd be so upset with me for crying over her being gone, so I'll try my best to just remember her happy days & to remember that her love hasn't ended just because she isn't with us physically.  Believe me...I'll always know how lucky I was to have her.

Hurting heart.

My head is all over the place these days. I'm 28.5 weeks pregnant, my aunt's cancer is progressing & my brother hasn't really spoken to me since April, when we spoke for a few days but it had been 2 months of not speaking prior to that.

My heart hurts. A lot.

I don't know how to reconcile losing my aunt, the day is coming, it could still be many weeks away but it has never felt so imminent & real.

I love her so much & I don't want her to suffer, but I'm angry that we are going to be without her in our lives.

I want my brother to be here for me now, I want to go through this together. He is the only other person who loves our Aunt like I do. I want to have him hug me while letting me cry & snot all over his shirt. I need him but he isn't a part of my life now. He made that choice, I didn't. He has shut me out. I don't know what I've done to make him think I deserve this but it hurts & I'm so incredibly tired of it hurting.

I feel like protecting my sanity & telling him how I feel about the decisions he's made have caused him to shut me out. If that's how it has to be then I can't do anything about that. I can't change how I feel & I refuse to let anyone else's life decisions affect my life that much ever again. I did that for too many years.

Anyone who knows me well, knows how much love I have for my brother & have always had. We were as close as two siblings could be, that makes this wedge between us so much harder for me to handle.

I just keep thinking how does he not care enough about me to call or text me. How can he be ok with us not being in contact with each other? How is it even possible? I've made a few attempts by texting him but he hasn't replied. I don't understand it at all. I can't understand it because I'd never shut him out, no matter what.

My heart hurts so much but I can't fix any of this.

Wrecking ball to the soul.

Sometimes in life you have to learn to roll with the punches, even when the punches feel like a wrecking ball to your soul.

My Dad's sister has terminal cancer. We've all known since October when she was told she only had three months, thankfully she's already been with us twice as long as expected but the cancer has spread.

Although, I'm not her child she has always made me feel like I could be. She has always made me feel more than just loved, she has made me feel wanted, appreciated & seen.

I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with the inevitable. I don't know how to let her go & I just plainly don't want to.

Jeff & I went to visit her tonight, it was long overdue. We talked for a long time about so many different things - some happy, some sad, some real truths that I was unaware of.

Since finding out that she is terminal, I've learned more about her than I had ever imagined. I'm grateful for the chance to have these moments with her but I always imagined her being old & telling me these things, not now before she's even 70.

Knowing someone you love like a second mother is dying is hard to process. I can't begin to imagine the pain my cousins feel knowing that this rotten disease is going to take their mom from them.

She's my Dad's baby sister, she's my Mom's best friend, she is like a sister to all of my mother's sisters & she's the world to my Uncle. She is loved beyond measure.

I don't know how to deal with the aching I feel daily in my heart knowing that not only I but so many people I love are going to lose her & the heartache is going to be unbearable. It honestly already is & she's still with us.

Tonight, when we visited I asked her how she's dealing with it all & then I cried while telling her how very much I love her. She kept telling me how much she loves me & I assured her that I've always known without a doubt how much love she has for me. That's partly why this is so hard. She is epitome of love. That's irreplaceable.

I plan to visit her as often as possible, to surround her with love as much as I can. After all she has given me in life, she deserves to always know & feel how much I appreciate her & will always love her.

Family can be hard to deal with, family can hurt you worse than anyone else but if there is love, that needs to be the focus. Love your family, hug them, appreciate them, tell them how you feel. Nothing is guaranteed so forgive their shortcomings & above all else - hold on to love.

I refuse to fix it this time

My heart & head have been hurting for a while - when someone you love isn't who you thought they were, it can take a while to reconcile the truth from the illusion. That's what I've been trying to do.

When someone you love doesn't care enough about you or others you love to be truthful, respectful & sensible. You have to eventually stop allowing that person into your space.

It's so hard to do, you can't shut off love, especially when it's family. My anger & disappointment don't cancel out my love or my wishing things could be different but for my self respect, I have to walk away.

Problems that aren't mine for years have taken over my life when this person needed me. Countless hours on the telephone, in person & online listening to the horror stories of how this person was being treated so poorly but wanted their partner to take them back. I consoled, I bitched, I gave my unfiltered opinions, I defended this person, but for what?  I'm so very angry.

I don't know when I've ever before been so deeply hurt. I don't know how to deal with the pain I feel or how to deal with the absence of this person in my life. I'm so incredibly pained by the lack of concern for others being shown by this person. People who have loved & supported them have just been shut out while this person makes possible life altering decisions for someone who would toss them away like a piece of useless trash.

I just can't reconcile the whole thing & it's taking over my spare quiet moments when I have time to think. It's making me spontaneously cry when I least expect it. It's making me angry.

I just know that I deserve better from this person. So very much better & I won't accept less ever again. I'm not a doormat, I'm not someone to use when needed & then ignore when 'life is good', I'm not here just for this person, I expect them to be here for me when needed too. That hasn't happened in a very, very long time.

So, as much love as I feel, the hurt & anger are taking over & I'm not sure how repairable that is. I'm done letting anyone, even family treat me like I'm only important when they need me.

I guess what I'm saying is that I refuse to fix it this time.

Once an atheist, always an atheist? Maybe not...

For many years now I've identified myself as an Atheist because I don't believe in the bible, Jesus or religion. It was something that was hard to admit to myself & then even harder to admit to family. My parents were heartbroken, as if I failed them or they failed me, when it wasn't about any of that at all - I just couldn't pretend anymore.

I've never been one of those atheist who would tell someone they are wrong for believing in any of it but just that I don't believe in it. I've always been one to think, if it brings you peace & doesn't harm or hinder anyone else, believe in monkeys for all I care; whereas I know so many people automatically assume all atheist hate people who believe & think they're idiots for it.  I can't say that I understand how people can believe in a book written according to disciples thousands of years ago when a game of telephone with 15 people can't get a message across a room correctly or that I can understand people who say they do things that are hateful in the name of God but I by no means assume every Christian to be the same.

I don't really know when I stopped believing in Jesus, maybe I always had doubts but my young mind wouldn't go there because we went to church as kids, Sunday school, I was confirmed, the whole nine yards & I felt like I had to believe in it all. I think I wanted to really believe in it all but eventually my lack of faith in the unseen & my lack of feeling connected lead me to my current truths about religion.

I've been thinking about god lately though & my beliefs; I think I'm more Agnostic than Atheist because although I do not for one second believe in Jesus, I truly do believe there is something bigger than all of us.

There is a force in this world, some just call it the Universe, directing the ebbs & flows of our lives, the energy we put in & give out, it comes back to us. I believe in that with everything I am & all that I have. I believe if you work hard enough & believe in something with enough positive energy, good things will come to you. I believe we control our destiny with the way we think & the energy we put out into the world. If we hold on to negative feelings & energy they will fester in unimaginable ways. That's partly why I'm so glad that I'm not one to hold grudges, they're bad for your health & mental well-being but also because you can't have a positive life & be a negative person.

Being pregnant with our second child is what made me start to question my beliefs again. How could I think there isn't something bigger than us when I was told by so many Doctors that I'd have a hard time getting pregnant & I'm going to have a second child? I have to believe that this is part of a bigger plan, that this baby, much like it's big sister, came to us because I felt like it was something I wanted. Neither of our children were planned but they both happened around times when I spent an inordinate amount of free time looking at baby clothes, baby names & seeing myself holding newborns. I can understand how kooky that all sounds but it's my truth. I knew that this baby was going to happen because of the way it's sister happened. There was no real reason for me to be able to get pregnant the first time & plenty of mothers struggle the second time, but my body did what I didn't think it could do, twice. If that's not something bigger than all of us, I don't know what is but I'm not comfortable calling that something god or Jesus.

I don't know what I'll tell Katie when she starts encountering people who believe in god openly because she knows nothing about god or religion at this point in her life. I'm okay with that because I want her to grow to learn things that interest her & feel right for her, I don't want religious guilt to hang over her if she doesn't believe what she's being taught. I want her to question things & know that whatever she chooses to believe in whether it be Jesus, Allah, Buddha or nothing at all, I'm okay with it & her decisions as long as she's a good person. I don't believe morals need to be attached to religion, because there are so many religious people who are very immoral & hypocritical. I want her to know that right & wrong are all that matter in life, the spiritual being she believes in doesn't change right & wrong. I want her to believe in love, kindness & acceptance.

I really feel like allowing myself to feel a connection to the Universe & accepting that I do believe in something bigger than all of us gives me a peace of mind that I've been missing. So, peace & love once again reign supreme in my life. Thank you, Universe for all you have given me.

Doubt. Fear. A bun in the oven.

A lot has changed in the two months since I last blogged.

My sister-in-law has caused extreme amounts of havoc in the lives of my family members. I truly believe she needs psychiatric help but she'd say that I'm the crazy one. I've removed myself from the situation. I'm done dealing with her & him too. It hurts too much & it's too much stress. Not my zoo, not my animals. I have bigger fish to fry.

We found out a week & a half ago that we're having a baby.

Uh...yeah.

I was done having babies. One & done. That was my motto. I have the most amazing child, I never expected to have any children so I was overjoyed at being a mom to only her.

Then, Boom! Pregnant.

I knew almost immediately. I told Jeff that I was pregnant before it was even humanly possible. Chemistry hadn't taken over yet, how did I know? I still don't understand it but I knew & had to wait two weeks for a test to tell me what I already knew for sure.

We told everyone the day we found out, which was probably crazy but I spent so much time being afraid when I was pregnant with Katie & I want to try to relax this time.

I'm scared to death though. I didn't think I'd be so scared since I know how to raise a child to at least 4.5 but I'm almost more afraid.

How do moms with multiple children do it? I'm so afraid to fail Katie while being Mama to a newborn, especially since Katie holds my whole heart right now. She alone is my entire world, nothing & no one matter more. I don't know how I'm going to be able to share myself with another child & let Katie still be Katie.

Anxiety & doubt have been following me around like classroom bullies. I'm too old. I don't have the patience for two kids. What if my postpartum depression comes back? How am I going to cope with sleep deprivation & having another child who needs me? How am I going to provide two children with everything they deserve? I'm going to end up screwing this up. What if this baby doesn't sleep just like Katie didn't. I am SO worried about so many things.

Postpartum is on my mind a lot. Few things in my life have been scarier than that period of time. It changed me forever, some ways that have yet to be 'repaired' & although I'm hyper aware, I was last time too. I didn't know what I was feeling to be postpartum depression. I hope if it comes back I'll be better prepared to tackle it with a vengeance.

Last time, I told myself & everyone around me that I'd make sure to tell someone if I felt depressed. It took hysterical crying & hyperventilating on my living room floor while contemplating downing a bottle of dilaudid to get me to see that I needed help.

The fact that I wasn't afraid of dying but couldn't take the pills because Katie would be alone crying for too long before her father came home made me see that I needed help. That still scares me. I was so close to doing something very stupid & so very unlike me because of a chemical imbalance caused by childbirth.

Now, I'm going to have another child....

Christmas on autopilot

I'm having a hard time finding my Christmas spirit this year. In fact, I have none at all. There is not one bit of merriment in my heart, no feelings of happiness & that whimsical feeling from tree lights glowing. None of it exists. I've been trying so hard to figure out what's missing. Why am I feeling so down about Christmas this year? I think I've figured it out.

My family is about to experience a very bittersweet holiday. One that we know will be our last with my father's sister. How are the holidays supposed to be happy when I know next year she won't be here with us? How? I'm so sad & I don't know how I'm supposed to soak up this time happily. I understand that we're lucky to have this Christmas together; people say that they wish they would know if an event was going to be the last time together but really - it doesn't help anything, I promise you that.

My Sister in law hates me, she's the person who called the police on me in August so it's a mutual thing but because she hates me, she makes it really hard to see my nephew. Katie loves him so much & she keeps asking if he'll be here for Christmas because he's our family & I have to keep explaining that he'll probably be spending Christmas with his other family that day. She doesn't seem to quite get why he won't be here & I don't have words to fix it. It's breaking my heart more than I can even explain.

And well, Christmas is missing someone very important to our family on Jeff's side this year. His cousin Colleen passed away this year, she was a major part of our Christmas traditions and our lives. After Jeff's mom passed away, Colleen swooped in & made sure that we always had some of his family close. She made us feel so loved, she was crazy about Katie & last year, because I was sick, I didn't get to see her at Christmas.

You hear all over about how Christmas isn't about the gifts, it's about spending time with the ones you love,...I guess that's the biggest part of the problem...

I feel like I'm on autopilot, I'm just buying the gifts because it's what I do, I'll wrap the gifts because it's what I do. I'll be happy for Katie when she opens her gifts, but otherwise I'm kind of looking forward to January 1st..

The Right People.

I just saw this on Facebook & it summed up perfectly how I've been feeling the last few weeks. I miss my Right People, I don't have many of them around anymore. Why are Montreal & Calgary so far away?

On a regular basis I am with other mothers - they're a great bunch of women who outside of our children I have nothing in common with. I'm not like the other playgroup moms, I know that, I feel it, it hangs over me like a surprisingly heavy curtain. It's my reminder that although we get along when we are together for the sake of our children, I'm not ever going to be one of them. None of these women would ever do anything to make me feel out of place & I don't want it to ever seem like they have but I'm a realist, I'm not naive to my surroundings.

I guess part of being the very liberal, tattooed, Atheist, hippie mom who says fuck a lot is accepting that you aren't always going to easily find your 'Right People'. Some days that is a much easier pill to swallow than others.

I don't know how to find people who are like me, I mean, honestly I don't think a lot of people are actually like me, I'm a bit of a one off. People who love me just get me, they not only know but expect me to be passionate, loud, quirky, goofy, stubborn, potty-mouthed, loving, compassionate combined with a slew of other equally wonderful & potentially loathsome characteristics.

I miss the comfort of just laying my honest truth on someone & knowing they aren't going to judge me no matter what I say. I miss laughing so hard (over the simplest thing) that my face hurts, my stomach is cramped & we've both snort laughed. I miss being out & about with a friend who I can give that sideways 'did you see/hear/smell that' look to & then see how long we can hold in the laughter when we get on the same page. Truthfully, I miss being the presence of a friend who can tell me that I'm being an unreasonable asshole & know that it's coming from a place of love.

You may learn in school that Canada is 9.9 million sq. kms or simply that it's the second largest in the world but you can't understand the greatness of that until your Right People are spread out along those kilometers. 

Believe me when I say, Canada is a huge country & I miss my Right People. 

Freedom in a dye bottle

You may not have noticed but my hair is wild. I am currently sporting a pinkish red faux hawk. My father loves to tease me & call me Big Boy from the fast food chain, my mother is seemingly traumatized & I have a feeling my brother still thinks I'm a closet lesbian.

What's the deal with the crazy hair is what some may ask; Please, let me tell you.

My hair is a symbol of freedom for me. It's liberation from my biggest fear - social anxiety.

My social anxiety is largely based on the fact that I expect people to always be talking about me behind my back. I expect them all to be whispering about what a hateful bitch I am, how fat I am, how weird I am, how I don't think the same things they do, I don't believe in the same things most people do, I'm a weirdo. I just expect people to talk about me & never in a good way.

Naturally a pink faux hawk would be the best way to give people something to talk about if they so choose to.

The greatest thing I've discovered is that I'm really okay with it even if they are talking poorly about me. It isn't a reflection on who I am as a person, it's a reflection of who they are.

I'm tired of always worrying & being afraid. I'm tired of living in fear of judgment from other people. I'm tired of not living life because I may not be what other people expect or want me to be.

Letting go of fear is going to be my theme for 2015, I'm just starting a bit early. This ridiculous hair that even I think is a bit silly makes me smile. It's fun, it isn't hurting anyone else, it doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make me any less intelligent, capable or loving, it is just hair. I do not now, nor do I ever plan to again care what people think of my hair.  There so many bigger fish to fry in my life.


Besides...Katie likes it that she has a fun mom...

Emotional Dam.....

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm tired. I'm scared.

I'm really just fed up with people I love having to go through such hardships. I'm tired of it. I'm angry that people who don't deserve to go through things just keep getting slammed with bigger things. I'm scared that I could lose people I love. I'm so very sad that they have to deal with more.

Cancer. Everyone knows someone who has had it or who has a close family member affected by it. Everyone. That is so messed up. How is it still so rampant? I just want it to go away & leave my loved ones alone.

I try so hard to stay positive for the people around me who have their doubts & fears, I try but inside I'm so scared.  I'm scared I won't be able to be strong for the people who need me. I'm scared I'll crack in front of the people affected. I'm scared that treatment won't work & I just....I just can't deal with that....

I've been holding it all back but today the emotional dam is cracking & I don't know how much longer it'll hold up. I feel like crying won't solve anything here though & I don't know if I can stop myself once I start.

I'm so angry. I want to yell, swear, punch & throw things but that won't solve anything. My loved ones will still have Cancer & I can't do anything to help them. I hate that, I like to fix problems for people I love & there is absolutely nothing I can do for them.


And the emotional dam just busted wide open...I just cried so hard that no sound was even coming out...this shatters my heart & I'm no where near as strong as I'm pretending to be but I'll build a new dam. I'll keep a brave face & I'll fake positivity because it's what I do. It'll all be alright because in the end things always work out or some other bullshit I'll try to serve up later....

Bitch, Please

My tolerance for bullshit has maxed out, as has my tolerance for bullies, jackasses, douchecanoes & nasty ass psycho cunts who need a punch in the face.

I am a hippie. I promote non-violence, I believe words can be more powerful than anything else but damn, some people just really need a punch in the face.

I can't rid myself completely of the bully, I've done all I can to rid myself of her but it's not something that is 100% possible.

Can you imagine that someone called the police on me? ME?! I've been stewing on this for a week & a half, I wasn't going to say anything to anyone, but I just want to explode. My bully called the police on me & said that I've been harassing her via text messages & Facebook, she said that I trespassed on her property when I was actually there helping someone else.

I don't know her cell phone number & she's blocked from my Facebook, someone please explain to me how I'm supposed to harass someone that I have no means of contacting? I surely do not know. She, however, has used someone else's cell phone to attack me. She has used her own Facebook & sent Jeff a message warning me to never step foot on her property again. I'm not saying I'm innocent in all of this because I did say some very ugly things when I was being attacked but this is beyond excessive.

I will also fully claim responsibility for sending the first Facebook message when I felt someone I love very much was being attacked in many ways. We had it out on Facebook in January, she & I, then I blocked her. JANUARY. I have not contacted her since then but I am harassing her. Bitch, please.

On Friday, August 15th I answered the door to a police officer who said " I'm here about X & some texts messages you've sent her" - the first words out of my mouth to the Constable were 'I fucking knew it'. You see, the night before she had read a text message that I sent to the person in the middle that said I would call the police on her if she harassed me again, I scared her. She wasn't so tough when being threatened with real action, because she knows she's in the wrong. She knows. So she wanted to draw first blood & called the police so she wouldn't look like the crazy bitch that she really is. She wanted to look like a victim, because that's her bag. She is a victim in every scenario in her life while she points fingers at everyone else for being 'so mean to her & her family'. Perhaps, just perhaps, if you try being nice to people & treat them with respect regardless of how much money they have, you will get respect in return. Just a concept. I dunno. Seems to work for most people but what do I know, I'm just a 'fat bitch' 'nut job' who is 'mentally imbalanced' & who can't hold a job because I'd have 'a mental breakdown'. Yes, she's that kind of mean.

Her words used to cut like a knife, now they're like gun powder. She just gives me more reason to dislike her & pity her for having that much negativity in her soul. I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through life so angry; to always think people are out to get you even when they really aren't at all, it must be exhausting.  I'm so glad I'm not her, so very very glad. I wouldn't want to be angry at people all the time, to go out of my way to cause others stress, it just seems so time consuming & foolish to me. You can silently hate someone...it's okay...most people do & I wish she'd learn this technique.

I should hate her. I want so very badly to hate her. I don't hate her, however. I do dislike her as much as I can but I can't hate her. I think she needs help. She's mentally unstable & needs help, I fully believe that. She's the absolute most paranoid person I've ever met. She literally thinks people are out to get her, that people talk about her when they aren't, she thinks everything is about her. She has rage issues, I mean, I can really lose my cool, but I have never seen anything like her in my life. I, once, stopped her from falling in a fire while she was drunk & raging, she looked at me & said 'don't touch me you fat bitch'. She is the meanest of mean but I still don't hate her. I want her to get help & maybe just one EXTREMELY deserved punch in the face.

The 100% honest truth about all of this, however, is that this more than being angry or vengeful about it, this situation makes me very sad & I truly hope somehow (even though I can't imagine any way here or on any alternate universe that it could happen) things work out positively.

One thing that I know for sure is that I will no longer tolerate any further harassment from her. I have the Constable's number & I'll gladly call him. 

She'll never have friends with a weird mom like me.

Two weeks ago I stepped outside my comfort zone - way outside. I sent Facebook inbox messages to two moms that I know a bit, inviting each of them over with their daughters for a play date with Katie & I. One mom replied that she'd love to, the other mom (who was online a lot that day & I know saw the message) didn't even bother to reply.

I set up & had a wonderful play date with the mother who did reply but for two weeks the mother who didn't reply has been on my mind. A constant barrage of unanswered & often irrational questions & thoughts. Why didn't she reply? What about me doesn't she like? Am I always going to cost Katie friends? I'm definitely going to be the reason she doesn't have friends. Why can't I just be like everyone else? Poor Katie, why does she have to have such a weird mother? I wish I was just normal.

I, honestly, expect to be the reason she doesn't have certain friends in her lifetime.

I am not your average person, most definitely not your average Miramichier & I know that. I tend to think outside the box more than most people. I try hard not to judge people on their outer shell, because all too often it really is just a shell & once you crack it, there's so much beauty. I believe passionately in equality & justice. I get fired up over injustice & judgment. I'm a hippie, I know people have their ideas about what a hippie is, but in my soul, that's just who I am. I wear bright clothes, I talk too loudly, I swear too much, I don't believe in god but I believe it's your right to if you so choose, I think all love is equal, babies need love not parents of both genders, I am pro-choice & that doesn't mean I'm pro-abortion, Climate change is happening, SCIENCE MATTERS, marijuana shouldn't be illegal & Americans need better gun control.

There are people in my life that I have plenty of reasons to hate but there is no single person that I actually hate. Not one. I believe to hate is to actually wish ill for another person or to be happy if something unfortunate were to happen to them, I don't have anyone in my life like that. I can't hold hate in my heart. That's not saying that there aren't people I dislike a lot, people I never want to be around EVER but I don't hate them.

For two weeks, these have been the thoughts in my head, I've been reviewing what I believe, am I too vocal about it, should I tone down who I am, maybe I should talk less about being atheist or maybe anyone who doesn't like me for who I am can kiss my ass?? Yeah, we're going to go with the latter. That was the grand conclusion of my two weeks of soul searching.

I like who I am, I like the person I'm becoming, I like the lessons I'm teaching my daughter & the person she's becoming as a result. So what if I don't believe in god - I believe in right & wrong, I'm pro-choice - you don't have to choose to have an abortion, I'm 100%  for gay rights - chances are someone you love is gay & you just don't know it, legalizing marijuana - people are going to buy & smoke it either way but only one is good for the economy. I like making up silly songs about everything I do, I like dancing randomly in public & not caring at all, I like not being so wrapped up in what other people think because their opinions of me do not matter.

Hindsight has shown me that the mom who didn't reply did me a huge favour, I went from feeling really terrible about myself for not being accepted by her to realizing that it's okay because I truly like who I am & the values I have.

She's still on my Facebook & may very well see this after I share it but I don't care either way. Hopefully she'll realize that basic etiquette can go a long way.

My cankles, my business.

The women in my family are generally average height or on the shorter side, I'm not. They have average size feet, I do not. They all, no matter how big or small the body, have skinny or average legs, I absolutely do not.

My legs are the only thing on my body that I'm absolutely ashamed of & I can't seem to do anything to fix the problem. I've always had 'big' legs or so I was told. Once around 15 or 16, overheard a cousin ask my mother where I got my big legs since they all had skinny legs. I have never forgotten it. I didn't like wearing shorts or skirts in high school because I thought I had fat legs.  Then I gained weight, so much weight packed onto my body & my legs just expanded to the point of no return, I guess. I began retaining fluid in my legs, I've said it before but I had so much fluid in my legs that if I cut myself while shaving, clear liquid came out instead of blood - it would leak for hours, soaking the cuff of my sock.

Right at this moment, I'm 110lbs lighter than I was when my legs did that. I expected to lose weight & get my legs back to 'normal' or at least my normal. I thought I'd have ankles again...crazy me! Still no sign of ankles but I'm the cankle queen. I spent every summer from 2004-2012 wearing jeans all summer long because I couldn't bear the thought of people judging me - 'look at that fat girl with the fat legs', 'check out the cankles on her'- the judgment I assumed would be thrown my way. I couldn't do it, I couldn't risk it. I lived in fear of what people thought of me. Last summer was the first time I wore capris most of the summer, it was hard to do but I did it. I still worry about what people will think though, the judgment that I still assume is being thrown at me. Why do I even care? It's because a cousin once asked my mother where I got my big legs - obviously strangers are judging me if a family member took notice.

This summer I want to take Katie swimming. She at almost four years old, has NEVER been swimming & I feel like I'm seriously failing her because of it. I just don't know how I'm going to put my body in a bathing suit, even! I know I can wear shorts but even that is a huge step for a woman who two summers ago wore jeans most of the summer. In one moment I'll think, 'no big deal, just do it, who cares what anyone thinks', then reality kicks in & I start to realize that I care what people think. I need to stop doing that. No one else's opinion of me really matters, I know that on a cerebral level but emotion takes over & I get self conscious.

I have to get over this. I just have to, it's holding me back & there isn't anything I can do about it. I've lost weight, my legs only get a bit smaller when the weight comes off. My legs are just that, legs, they aren't my worth as a human. It's time I stop letting them define me, so that's what I'm going to do right now. My legs no longer define me. These are my legs, you may see them at a local beach this summer, I apologize if the whiteness of them blinds you, it's been a while since they've seen sunshine.

Endless Ocean

Swallowing me whole
Like a tidal wave
Overwhelming, unpredictable
Fighting as hard as I can
Some days my hands feel tied
An unfair fight
Floating life raft in the middle of the ocean.
Isolated & Hopeless
Screaming for help
No one to hear my cries
So here I float in an endless ocean
Hoping one day to wash ashore